The experts decide now, in the final hours, would be a good time to tell everyone about their appalling behaviour and how it's not appropriate to throw household items at one another which feels approximately eight weeks too late.
"We're quite shocked at how quickly things escalated," expert Mel says and REALLY? We're shocked no one is DEAD. And that Cyclone Cyrell is not in PRISON.
Interestingly, however, we then discover that Sam won't be coming tonight and... Sir.
We have never seen anyone take so much time off a reality television show that you literally signed up for. You have no more annual leave left. You used it all for the funeral do you understand?
You're a terrible employee.
We begin with flashbacks (which can go to hell) and Ines cannot stop laughing at how funny she was when she demanded Bronson take out that eyebrow ring.
First up are Heidi and Mike and if you don't tell us precisely what happened we will never forgive you.
They keep being vague about how their relationship became "rocky" and then "went bad" and then the experts suggest we take a look back and NO ONE wants to look back at Heidi and Mike.
"What happened?" John Aiken asks, looking directly at Heidi like always.
They both break down in tears to the point where they can no longer speak and suddenly we notice a crying Mel.
ALERT. ALERT. We have a crying expert. And Trish is nodding not quite sure who either of these people are, but resentful nonetheless because they've been intefering with her usual Monday night schedule.
Now that we've had precisely no closure about Heidi and Mike's relationship and why the F*CK it ended, it's time for Cyrell. And yes. She's lost her voice from all the yelling.
They show flashbacks of Cyrell going rogue and the imagery of a storm is honestly slightly offensive but also helpful in the characterisation.
It turns out that everyone quite likes Cyrell in retrospect, and she feels very proud of herself for being so a) entertaining and b) consistently violent.
"THAT'S SO CHILDISH YOU'RE A BABY," yells Martha, who if we recall correctly lives in her parents home and doesn't have a job.
Before we can even think it ourselves, Cyrell spins her head 180 degrees and shouts: "SAYS THE WOMAN WHO THREW RED WINE YESTERDAY".
Good point Cyrell.
HUSH NOW it's time for Elizabeth.
She's disappointed that Sam a lil bit ghosted at least 50 per cent of the experiment and didn't even bother to fake a funeral this time.
"Yeah she's full right," Ines whispers and GOODNESS WE LOVE THIS UNLIKELY FRIENDSHIP.
But now it's time for the footage and holy shit we almost forgot about the time Sam called Elizabeth "big" and then said he might get her running in the mornings like she was some sort of dog who needed more walks.
For some reason this news especially shocks Mark whose expression is perhaps the highlight of this season.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" Elizabeth says and that would be the man you were scientifically matched with by experts who allegedly know what they're doing.
She then descends into the greatest feminist monologue of our time only to be interrupted by Mike who thinks it would helpful to suggest that maybe if Elizabeth wasn't such a bitch then Sam wouldn't have called her fat.
But Ines isn't having any of it. "ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF," she yells and GURL we've loved you from the beginning we just couldn't say it because you were objectively evil.
In the context of Elizabeth and Sam's relationship, there's only one piece of footage we want to see, and yes, it's the finger-sucking incident.
Who sucked whose finger and for why?
But instead they show us the footage of Sam and Ines' affair which we're already very much across.
Ines decides to tell everyone how awful Sam was and how she backs Elizabeth and surely we can all agree that the biggest shock of this episode is Ines' (newfound) humanity.
She even cries and apologises to Bronson who she definitely still low key hates.
It's at this point that expert Mel decides she should frame this entire shitshow as a 'learning experience', so asks the women why they all f*cking hate each other.
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Martha tries to say the older women don't understand Instagram which seems irrelevant, and then another voice chimes in.
Is that Mike?
"MEN CAN COPE BETTER UNDER PRESSURE THAN WOMEN," he explains, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Sam literally didn't show up tonight because he couldn't handle the pressure.
"It speaks to their biology," he adds, looking at the experts for back up.
Oh honey, no.
This is why Heidi doesn't want to touch you anymore, okay? Because you just tried to mansplain female friendships to the females.
He then mutters under his breath that maybe if one of you women just made me a sandwich I wouldn't be so grumpy, before writing a lengthy status to his 105 Facebook friends about how the gender pay gap doesn't actually exist.
SHHH IT'S TIME FOR DAN AND JESS and it annoys us when they smile.
Jess yells to the room that Dan is "SUCH A GOOD FATHER," before casually mentioning that she's a) never met his child and b) hasn't seen him in upwards of six weeks.
They are shown footage of the time they ruined two marriages and Jess smiles proudly because it's like their version of a wedding video but funnier.
But there's more.
Cam pipes up about the rumour that Jess tried to crack onto Nic before she was with Dan and excuse us but the experts have the receipts.
"I am sexually attracted to Nic. He is a very good looking guy," Jess says in the footage and no wait seriously do you guys have security on hand because Cyclone Cyrell definitely has a fruit bowl hidden behind the couch for emergencies.
Cyrell delivers the line she's been preparing all day, "Your legs are like 7/11 they're open for business 24/7," and the ease with which Jess responds, "If I wanted your opinion I'd kick your kennel," is highly concerning.
WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW WHO SPEAKS TO EACH OTHER LIKE THIS.
Dan is horrified and says he feels like he's been "played" and Mick can't stop smiling because HEAVEN TO BETSY she's even worse than he thought.
Why do we have to end on Jules and Cam when we were having so much fun.
Jules accidentally invites the experts to her wedding which we know she will regret, especially given she only really meant to invite Mel and John. Not Trish. Who's already jumped on The Iconic to find the perfect dress.
You guys weren't even invited to the dinner parties why would you be invited to the wedding ffs.
We close on the experts pretending this show is about 'learning' and not about 'violence' and 'betrayal'.
When it ends... there's no 'next time on Married at First Sight'.
What are we meant to do now. We don't understand.
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