The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it.

March 18, 2019

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No.

Everyone being a bunch of f*cking psychopaths has officially broken Cam and Jules and we shan’t stand for it.

They were the only semi well-adjusted people on this stupid show and now they’re traumatised by how seemingly normal adult humans can a) lie directly to each other’s faces, b) cheat… multiple times, and c) engage in a televised fight about towel usage.

It’s… demoralising.

“I feel so worn down by the drama,” Jules says through tears and yes but also… do you kinda love it orrr?

Cam starts telling a cameraman how hard this experiment has been, and then all of a sudden bursts into tears.

This is it.

This is the moment Married at First Sight broke the happiest man on earth.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 18, 2019

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It's so sad because he won't stop sobbing and he's literally crying because Jules is sad and dear God this is all we've ever wanted from a relationship.

"You get so caught up in it," Cam says and sweetie we know this is all we've talked about for seven weeks.

We then find ourselves in Jess' apartment, and pause.

Listen. Here. Jess.

You made Jules but then also Cam cry and we don't appreciate it one bit.

cam-crying — Cam thought humans were inherently good and then he came on this show.

You've also kept our friend Mick in a hostage situation for upwards of three weeks now and we think it's about time you let him go.

She tells the camera that she hasn't seen much of Mick this week which, "really confirms to me that the relationship between Mick and I is over," and dude NO SHIT.

He has literally written "LEAVE" in desperate handwriting every week before yelling "NO DEAR GOD NO" when he discovers you've decided to stay. Again. Ffs.

Over in Heidi and Mike's apartment there's been an... incident.

After the Commitment Ceremony Mike went out to get food, but when he came home he had only bought food for himself. Which is obviously f*cked.

mikemafs — Or cold or wet or needs a towel or whatever.

"I can't reach Heidi," he says, helplessly. "I can't make her smile," and what kind of woman would be smiling after their partner promised to get them dinner and then came home with nothing?

"I'm not crying on camera..." Mike says and sir we don't mean to be rude but that's your... job.

SHHH PLS it's time for Dan and Jess' cheatin date and yes, we're shown Dan literally unable to keep his dick in his pants.

We're fairly certain they're at the Sheaf in Double Bay and it appears to be 11am which in our opinion is too early to be drinking alcohol.

Jess decides to bring up the fact Dan has a baby (he's four and would probably be pissed you're calling him a baby but okay) and enthusiastically says she would like to share the baby, pls.

Dan thinks this sounds nice, telling the camera, "I can't fault her," and oh we can given that she's currently cheating on her husband and lying to everyone about it.

They then go back to Jess' apartment where she (sexually) strokes Dan's groin and says that because they've connected emotionally, "I want to know how we connect physically".

GURL you're still MARRIED.

"Everything about you turns me on," Dan says, and 1. ew, and 2. no.

Deciding not to have sex, Jess tells Dan, "I'm so respectful that you go home to Tamara" but like... are you though?

Pause.

We miss Cyrell. Wonder what she's doing.

Continue.

Meanwhile, Mike is accusing Heidi of emotional abuse at their lovely family lunch and tbh we'd call you not getting her dinner emotional abuse ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They can't stop fighting, and after Mike says he wants out, Mike's dad, a humble man named Bob, steps in.

At this point it's important we acknowledge that Bob is low key Dr Phil and is perhaps the only person in the history of this show to give somewhat helpful advice.

He tells them that there is a lot of "love and appreciation" there, but that their standards for each other are too high.

"Myself and your mother just had a fight outside," he says and shut up Dr Phil stop pretending like your marriage isn't perfect.

It takes years to build the relationship you want, he explains, and he forces Heidi and Mike to hold hands and say what they like about one another.

It works and of course it does he's Dr f*cking Phil.

Over at Jess' apartment, Mick has arrived for their family lunch and no, he's not wearing shoes.

As Jess is cooking, Mick has a thought. 'Hey...' he says, 'why did you say stay the other day?'

mafs-mick — Something doesn't seem... right.

DUDE. SHE'S CHOSEN TO STAY FOR THREE WEEKS IN A ROW DESPITE HAVING NO INTEREST IN YOU WHY IS IT ONLY OCCURRING TO YOU NOW THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE.

We would never say you deserve to be cheated on but... sir you deserve it.

When Jess' dad and brother arrive, Mick decides to acknowledge the time he called them 'drunks' and 'dickheads,' which is uncomfortable because they didn't... know he said that.

Jess' dad immediately calls Mick a "f*ckwit," and Mick regrets a) participating in this experiment, and b) ever being born.

After some swearing, Jess' family end up acknowledging that - though harsh - Mick's impressions were accurate, and they all cheers to that.

At another uncomfortable family dinner, Dan is trying to convince Tamara's family that their marriage isn't working because they're 'just not feelin' it,' not because he's currently pursuing a relationship with another woman who may or may not live next door.

"Tam has all the qualities I want, she wants to be a mum, she's pretty," Dan says and dude please tell us there's more qualities on your list because it's currently appalling.

Tamara explains that even though they have no chemistry/don't appear to like each other, she can trust Dan. She's just a bit disheartened that their relationship isn't progressing, mostly because he's busy telling her he needs space and then using that space to wear an ugly backwards cap and do a cheat.