The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home.

March 10, 2019

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It’s the morning after the dinner party and apparently Heidi and Mike broke up but are now back together – a fact that couldn’t concern us less if we tried.

Heidi says she’s sorry and hates the feeling of not being with Mike (??), but mostly we think she’s terrified of facing the commitment ceremony and having John Aiken yell at her again for a) having feelings, and b) voicing them.

In a nearby apartment, Dan is trying to act normal with his fake wife Tamara, even though he straight up cheated on her less than 12 hours ago.

married-at-first-sight-daniel — WHO WOULD NEVER CHEAT ESPECIALLY NOT IN THE RAIN.

He tells a producer, "I feel like I'm at school at the moment, playing two girls at once," and sir it wasn't okay to play two girls at once at school and it certainly isn't now - on national television, where you have approximately a 100 per cent chance of being caught.

Meanwhile, Susie is reflecting on what a good week she had in Byron Bay with Billy, and how there was only one hiccup.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 10, 2019

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She can't be... nope she's serious.

Susie tells us "I'm fricken proud of myself," for her behaviour this week, particularly the time she made a grown man cry over an inconsequential comment about surfing. Particularly then.

Meanwhile, her husband Billy is rocking back and forth in a dark room, intermittently hitting his own head (hard) and muttering, "bad Billy, bad Billy", which Susie finds entertaining.

Pause.

Why has Mick stopped wearing proper footwear.

Ever since falling out with his wife Jessika, Mick exclusively wears petrol station thongs which look like they'd give you blisters and also maybe tinea.

mick mafs — It's winter. That's why your foot is purple.

They're not even the right... size and they're frankly disrespectful to this process but also to us and all our ancestors.

It's at this point that we learn that while Mick has written 'leave' (in handwriting that... needs to be discussed at a later date), Jess is choosing to stay so she can pursue her relationship with Dan.

She says she's going to lie and say she thinks it's important that her family have the opportunity to change Mick's mind, ever since he called them all f***** c** a****** *** *****, but she's worried the rest of the group will notice that her decision doesn't make logical sense.

Sweetie.

Nothing on this show has ever made sense, really.

Oh.

Everyone is on their way to the commitment ceremony and it's clear that Susie was so busy insulting Billy that, yes, she forgot to put on her shirt.

Speaking of outfit mishaps, there's another one.

It’s Trish.

She's dressed for a rock concert and precisely no one knows why.

All we know is that it's confusing and makes her uncomfortably conspicuous.

First up are Heidi and Mike and EUUUUUUGH we don't care though.

Mike says Heidi's reactions are "over the top" and that everything "sets her off," and just as Heidi tries to tell her side of the story, there's a yell.

"I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M SEEING," says John Aiken.

Sir... we don't know if you can...

"I THINK YOU'RE SABOTAGING THIS."

John why are you... yelling.

You see, John has had enough of Heidi's standards and needs her to HUSH if this relationship is ever going to work.

“Stop wasting everyone’s time,” John says to Heidi, before reminding her that her two options in life are a) Mike or b) being single forever.

She chooses Mike which is definitely the wrong decision.

Next up are Nic and Cyrell and honestly no one is more surprised than Cyrell that she hasn't hit anyone this week.

They choose to stay, which is lovely, but... wait.

It's Trish.

She's comatose.

It's Billy and Susie's turn, and yes, they had an argument about ice cream this morning.

Why were you eating ice cream in the morning when it's an evening food pls.

Billy explains that he bought ice cream last night so that he and Susie could have a chat (over ice cream idk idk), but Susie just took it and ate it in her room. Alone. With the door closed.

Look. Susie's done some real f*cked up shit but this is next level.

When it comes time to make their decisions, Susie chooses to stay, and Billy is... traumatised.

He says he doesn't understand because he senses severe resentment from Susie, like the time a few hours ago when she told him he was annoying her, and when he asked why, she said, 'just your face annoys me'.

Cool.

Billy chooses to leave, but obviously has to stay because this show is based on the premise that consent is irrelevant, and remains highly suspicious of why the hell Susie wants to stay.

Channel 9 you seriously cannot make Billy stay with her she will hurt him very badly.

billy-mafs-susie — "John Aiken, your rules are f*cked."

It's Tamara and Dan and excuse us but Trish has something to say.

"HOW'S THE INTIMACY?" she asks, and Tamara says something about Dan letting his walls down but we're 92 per cent sure she says letting his balls down.

Dan says he's having trouble letting his balls down because of his son, but we think it might also be because he's currently having an affair with that woman over there in the corner. Waving at you. Smiling. (Hi Jessika).

jessika mafs — "Hi. I think I might be your intimacy problem but idk."

Now that their issues are entirely unresolved and the experts have offered no advice whatsoever, they both decide to stay for another week.

OH.

It's Jess and Mick's turn and Mick does not want to talk he just wants to pack his one pair of petrol station thongs and go home.

His card says 'LEAVE' and dear God how does his handwriting make it onto prime time television without a warning.

But Jess explains that she will be staying for reasons that are complicated and she shan't be going into them right now.

Oh honey, no.

We need you to go home. Don't you have... things to do? Like a job to return to and maybe friends to see and errands to run?

Mick's even stopped farting he's so emotionally broken.

Jules yells out that Jess is completely contradicting herself and yes we know Jules but since when has that ever been a problem on this show.

Ning asks why on earth Jess wants Mick to spend more time with her family given that he called them a bunch of f***** f*** b*** c*********** and look, Jess doesn't really have an answer for that.

But wait.

It's Kim Kardashian and she has thoughts on the ethics of this situation.

Martha explains that maybe Jess just wants to end things with Mick on good terms, and that's why she wants to stay, and dear God she knows all about this cheating scandal and is very keen to enable it.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 23: The off-handed comment that ruined a relationship.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: Oh. We didn't know there was anyone crueler than Ines.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The commitment ceremony breaks a man.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: Jessika. What the hell.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: The truth about Martha and Cyrell's fight.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 18: Can we be real about the intruders?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 17: The biggest cheating scandal blew up and are we missing something?