The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 35: Heidi and Mike are cancelled.

March 26, 2019

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We open on Jess and Dan snuggling in bed together and, no, we don’t like it.

Jess tells the camera that they did take their “relationship to the next level,” and “Dan is very knowledgeable in the bedroom,” and what about ‘we don’t like it’ do you not understand.

Dan calls it one of the best nights he's ever had, making it clear that he's never stayed up all night watching Say Yes To The Dress eating an entire packet of refrigerated M&Ms. How... sad for him.

Meanwhile, Ning and Mark have woken up in ~~hell~~ their dilapidated tree house which definitely looked more 'rustic' and less 'dangerous' online.

"Do you want your croissant heated up?" Mark asks Ning, and no, Sir.

She wants your d*ck. Please.

Despite her best efforts, Mark believes having sex would "complicate things" and... dude. You're in a broken tree house on reality television with a woman you've been fake married to for two months and expert Trish yells "INTIMACY" at you weekly, things are already pretty fckn complicated.

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The Spill

Back a Sydney apartment, Mike and Heidi are hating life mostly because their life together is awful.

Mike is hoping to win Heidi back with a final date, but... wait.

He can't stop conspicuously staring at her breasts and SIR WE CAN SEE YOU.

As they arrive in Darling Harbour, Mike asks Heidi if she's ever climbed the Harbour Bridge. "No," she says. "Don't really have an interest."

But Mike has trouble hearing Heidi over the sound of his own (more important) thoughts.

"WE SHOULD CLIMB IT," Mike yells, but... she just. She just said she wasn't...

This is why.

But Mike's final date doesn't involve the Harbour Bridge. Instead, he's hired out a pirate boat, we presume used mostly for pirate activities.

Luckily it's raining, so Heidi gets to sit in the wet, but also with the cold and the wind.

But in good news, Heidi fckn hates boats because she gets seasick which she told Mike on their honeymoon. They even had a fight about it. We were fkn there.

It's at this point that John Aiken emerges from the ocean, and yells "RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT COMPROMISE, HEIDI (you bitch)" before descending back into the... abyss.

But pause.

JULES HAS WOKEN UP ALONE WITH NO SIGN OF CAM.

ALERT ALERT.

Oh.

He's just been planning their final date that doesn't involve a series of activities which Jules expressly hates.

They go back to where they both got married, and then there's a two-piece music act and they're dancing, but look.

We're not here to watch two people fall in love.

We're here to see Cyrell assault women in face masks, and we haven't wanted to say it, but there's been a severe lack of that lately.

cam jules — "There's some fruit bowls here that look like they'd be pretty fun to throw..."

It's been nine days now and Mike and Heidi are still on a novelty pirate ship that appears to be stationary in Sydney Harbour.

The one and only activity available to them is the opportunity to climb to the very top of the sail. "Heidi's going to be a bit anxious about this, but that's OK I'll help her," Mike says and SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT MATE NO ONE WANTS TO BE ON YOUR STUPID SHIP.

IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYING THEY'RE ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH AND YOU FORCING OYSTERS ON THEM THEY DON'T WANT IT. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT ONCE THEY HAVE A MOUTHFUL. HEIDI IS A 38 YEAR OLD WOMAN SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE HATES.

Surprisingly, Heidi definitely does not want to participate in the climbing on the boat she doesn't want to be on.

Mike is unperturbed, mostly because he's distracted with the view HE CAN SEE FROM THE TOP.

No offence, Mike. But no one wants to see you climb a thing.

"It's rocking a bit too!" he yells at Heidi who is curled up in a ball down below trying not to vomit and omg no one cares Mike.

Eventually Mike climbs back down and announces, "I didn't realise she wasn't enjoying herself," and that's because you were at the top of a... pylon.

Heidi tells him that she doesn't think they see the world the same, to which Mike responds, "this is as good as it gets".

Holy shit that's so depressing.

Speaking of depressing, Mike wrote a poem.

Given it doesn't rhyme or have any discernible rhythm, Heidi passive aggressively insists on calling it a 'letter' which we like very much.

Ultimately, Mike tells Heidi, "you don't know how it makes a man feel to see his wife crying because of him..." and MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE HER ON A SHITTY BOAT SHE WOULDN'T BE CRYING.

Back at their apartment, Mark and Ning have returned from their frankly appalling overnight stay in the Blue Mountains.

As Mark sits on his laptop, and Ning sits separately reading a magazine, we realise that this show has failed more rapidly and more severely than we ever thought possible.