The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: An X-rated affair has everyone asking one question.

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Yes, well.

The entire Married at First Sight cast has been asked to leave the city of Sydney, immediately, due to a chicken pox outbreak started by Patient X (Sam).

Everyone is going to the Gold Coast and, pls, you already did this. A week ago. When you went on your honeymoon. We were there.

John Aiken is pretending like this is an opportunity for a new and challenging ‘real world experience’ and a free trip to Queensland for no reason doesn’t really feel that much like a ‘real world experience’ but okay.

Sam is walking around his room in circles saying, “Elizabeth is too sick to see her hubby so I’m here in the GC by myself,” and you literally brought a chicken pox epidemic into our borders we have no sympathy. 

He's reminiscing on his decision to stay in the experiment in order to pursue a relationship with Ines, and pause.

WHY DIDN'T BOTH OF YOU JUST LEAVE AND GO ON YOUR OWN SHIT HOLIDAY TO THE GOLD COAST IF YOU WERE THAT KEEN.

Speaking of shit holidays, Heidi and Mike are fighting about how Heidi coughed in the morning and Mike got aggressive about it and we love how petty fights in relationships get after like three weeks.

We... think they make up but mostly we are distracted by the fidget spinner in Mike's hand clearly revealing that this scene was shot in 2017.

Oh.

There's something else we've noticed, and yes it's that every time Martha is on screen this show turns into an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 

"Haaaaai baaabe," she says to Scott Disick Michael in their hotel room, "let's do a spray tan!"

No.

There is Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. And now there is Martha and she is far more of a Kardashian than Rob.

Michael's spray tan is definitely a form of cultural appropriation but no one cares because as we all know we don't watch KUWTK for the politics. 

Over on Jess and Mick's holiday there is drama because Mick a little bit told all da boiz about how they had sex when Jess explicitly asked him not to.

Mick makes a poolside picnic for Jess and it's... appalling.

It appears to be morning which is not at all the right time for cheese and wine. Furthermore, it is not a 'spread' as Mick alleges, but rather a few things haphazardly purchased from Coles and emptied out onto a bath towel.

LASTLY we cannot look at Mick's fingers handling the cold meats without yelling, "WASH YOUR HANDS SWEETHEART THE CHICKEN POX IS SEEPING INTO EVERYTHING," and this is why you were banned from Sydney indefinitely. 

Somehow, Ning and Mark have been allowed into Wet n Wild for the day, and yes, they're getting their chicken pox germs into the public pools.

Ning feels guilty about a) rejecting Mark constantly, and b) telling the experts but also all of Australia that she wanted to leave him, so is trying to be kind. When he attempts to make a joke, she says, "Stop with the dad jokes it's sh*t" and sweetie you need to try... harder.

But SHHH because Cam wants to tell Jules he loves her and pls Cam you've told her many times with your soul.

He gets weird and quiet, and Jules starts to get suspicious.

Eventually he nervously yells I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES, and Cam, you can't carry Jules' babies but that's okay. She's very relieved he doesn't have the pok and so tells him she loves him too.

Oh dear God Ines is texting Sam while smirking and WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT you're both stuck in the Gold Coast for no reason.

Ines tells the producer that, yes, she'd quite like to go out and get a drink with Sam tonight but she'll need to avoid running into Bronson - her current husband.

Speaking of Bronson, Ines gets a knock on her door and it turns out she's meant to be doing some sort of social activity with Bronson. They go to get ice cream and Ines entirely ignores the content of what Bronson says, until he asks what she wants to do and she says "I want to go shopping for like babies outfits so I can like give birth."

Omg same.

When Bronson asks Ines what she's doing tonight, she says she's fake tanning, and then doing a face mask, and then she'll be sleeping. "Why, what are you doing?" she asks and INES PLS maybe you could do something together given that you're married.

Elsewhere, in a rogue game of mini golf, Mel is yelling, inappropriately, about sex.

Her general (highly problematic) attitude towards sex with Dino is as follows: neither of us want to do it, but we should, because I haven't done it in ages.

Dino says that he feels he should make love to her soul before her body which we can all agree sounds awful. 

"GIRLFRIEND NEEDS TO HAVE SEX," Mel yells and... we know, Mel. We know.

SHHHH it's time for the cheatin' and we need to concentrate.

Sam explains that he did really want to speak to Elizabeth before he opened 'a new path', but now she's sick. So you just gotta cheat ya know?

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Ines is weirdly walking around her hotel room getting ready in sexy underwear and suddenly we're watching a porno and we're here now it's too late to leave.

As they make their way to their cheatin' spot we reflect on how we just hope, in our hearts, that Ines is being paid well for this... and that she uses that money to wipe away her tears from the level of abuse she is about to get from an entire nation.

"I was trying to give it a shot but unfortunately Elizabeth decided to go rogue a bit," Sam says and DUDE YOU WERE CHEATING BEFORE SHE GOT CHICKEN POX AND WHY IS THIS A SENTENCE WE'RE TYPING.

What... unfolds is... how do we.

It's like two bad actors pretending to have an affair and, yes, we love every moment of it.

They talk about how much they hate playin' games and compliment each other on how they drink wine (??) and Sam congratulates Ines on her legs and WHAT IS HAPPENING.

We are well into the porno now and we don't mind it at all.

They go back to Sam's... hotel room... and... kiss... and then Sam says he's tired but Ines doesn't care because she gets paid more if they do the sex.

But we're left with a shot of them taking their clothes off and kissing on the bed and are they going to film them having sex because that's a lot and when did this show become rated R. 

Sex is implied but not shown but SHUT UP WE'RE DISTRACTED BECAUSE ELIZABETH IS BACK TOMORROW NIGHT AND HOW DOES INES NOT HAVE CHICKEN POX YET FFS.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The lie that's going to end in disaster. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: The sentence that broke Australia. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: The sex request that almost breaks Ex-Virgin Matt.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: This cheating scandal feels especially... mean. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9: The commitment ceremony that came with a content warning.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: We finally know why Sam refused to contact his wife.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: We just watched a man lose his virginity on national TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.