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No. No, no, no, no, NO.

… No.

This is not what we... want.

It has only just occurred to us that we're about to watch an ENTIRE EPISODE OF TELEVISION DEDICATED TO HEIDI AND MIKE AND WE DON'T WANT IT. TAKE IT AWAY.

You see, it would seem that somewhere along the way there's been a miscommunication.

Channel Nine, bless them, appear to be under the impression that we are at all invested in Heidi and Mike's relationship.

But we're... not. We are invested in Cyrell and her fruit bowls and her brother Ivan who missed an undefended lay up. Do you understand?

But here we are with Mike and Heidi talking about their fight last night and THEY ARE LIKE THE COUPLE YOU'VE CHOSEN NOT TO HANG OUT WITH ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY ARE SO ANNOYING.

Before they part, they sit down to watch their wedding video together.

"Watching our wedding video has taken me back there," Mike says and omg we actually can't anymore you've been dating for like eight weeks it cannot be that complex.

As a side note, Mike always sounds like he's reading from a teleprompter. Which is annoying. For us.

The couple separate to think out loud for a week about a relationship no one cares about, and when Mike puts on his weird black security guard sunglasses he turns into Pitbull. The American rapper.

"Her charm is irresistible to me [pause], it's like kryptonite," Mike says before looking longingly off into the distance and SIR WHY ARE YOU READING FROM A SCRIPT.

Sorry.

Just to criticise Heidi and Mike for a moment, they seem to think they're the stars of a romantic movie but the reality is every time Heidi talks about her feelings, Mike yells "I'M NOT YOUR THERAPIST".

And instead of an emotional soundtrack you just have John Aiken... insulting Heidi.

This is not A Walk To Remember. Mike, you are not Shane West. 

Mike sits with his family to talk about his (fkn) feelings and he suddenly comes to the conclusion that he can't cope with Heidi's "sh*t" and the "cons are deal breakers" so it would appear he's going to say... no?

Pause.

Still don't care.

Continue.

On the Sunshine Coast, Heidi is eating breakfast alone on her balcony and it's by far the happiest we've seen her all season.

She decides to meet up with two of her friends to discuss her appalling fake marriage and whether or not she should let it destroy her real life, too.

One friend has gone to great lengths to fake sick, in an admirable attempt to get out of... today. The other, it seems, would just like to be asked a f*cking question about her and her life for the first time in more than two months.

But Heidi isn't interested.

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She would like some advice to ignore, pls.

Her friend who doesn't appear to have a voice is forced to speak about what she thinks of Mike and LET THE WOMAN GO HOME SHE'S HAD ENOUGH AND SO HAVE WE.

We're nearly at the final vows but we must listen to Mike think out loud some more. And he's... sad.

He refers to Heidi exclusively as a 'kid' or a 'girl' despite the fact she's 38 years old which we do not at all appreciate.

HUSH NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL VOWS AND THEN THIS WILL BE OVER.

We're fed 15 minutes of rhetorical questions like, "Do we have a future?" and HOLY SHIT we can't remember a time when we weren't watching this episode of television.

If. You. Do. The. Slow. Motion. Walk. Again.

THEY DID IT. NO MORE.

After Mike walks through a jungle for an hour, he arrives under a tree and (finally) Heidi meets him.

They're nervous and we don't care.

Heidi says some things but ultimately commits to Mike which is a frankly terrible decision.

But now it's Mike's turn.

He says he's been "conflicted with this decision," before begging Heidi to "forgive" him.

And then he says "I simply need to be with you. I love you."

..................

............

K.

We're trying to contemplate if anything has ever been a greater waste of our time and no. Not that we can think of.

Heidi says "I love you" back and for a moment we feel something but then remember that in 15 minutes they'll be fighting about how Mike offered to get lunch. And then gave her a bag of dog poo. With flies on it. And doesn't know why she's so upset.

UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT WHERE WE ARE REUNITED WITH OUR DARLING CYRELL.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 38: The groom who was stopped halfway through his vows.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 37: WE'RE CRYING.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 35: Heidi and Mike are cancelled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 34: Jess and Dan just had sex and we didn't like it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 33: Well. That's the best episode of TV we've ever watched.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 32: The problem with Jess and Dan's secret pact.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: Jess just got next level mean.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.