reality tv

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 36: Things just got completely out of control.

To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

It’s week 47 of the ‘experiment’ and everyone needs to go back to work. You’re a burden on the economy. Including you John Aiken.

Everyone’s tired. And irritable.

Ning. We feel like you should be... across that.

The narrator tells us that Ning and Mark's relationship is "slowly evaporating" after they didn't have sexual intercourse in their dilapidated tree house in the Blue Mountains.

Mark feels rejected because Ning has tried to leave him twice at the commitment ceremonies and no offence but get over it.

But Ning does what all of us do when shit around us is falling apart. She starts shitting on other people's shit and, yes, we very much approve.

Listen to the latest episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below...

Her target is obviously Dan and Jess.

"It's not called Husband Swap or Wife Swap it's called Married at First Sight," she says, and pause.

Wife Swap was a great show.

Continue.

Dan and Jess' presence on this show is now exclusively accompanied by Exorcist music, which works particularly well with Jess' frankly demonic smiling.

jess mafs
"Watch me turn my head 360 degrees."
ADVERTISEMENT

"Dan and I are great people and we're even better together," Jess says. And no. To that suggestion.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Mike are having a discussion about their relationship which at this point we refuse to recap. You can find our commentary regarding the same fight they've been having for eight f*cking weeks in our recaps 1-35.

But wait there's been a breakthrough and Mike has managed to convince Heidi it's all her fault.

She starts to take responsibility for her negative attitude, and Mike says, "I'm proud of you... I was starting to think it was me there for a while."

Sir. It has always been you.

heidi mike
"Just admit you're crazy. That's all you need to do."

IT'S DINNER PARTY TIME AND THE EXPERTS ARE READY IN THEIR FORMAL WEAR.

ADVERTISEMENT

But here's the thing.

Cam and Jules have been early to just about every dinner party. And it's definitely because they've been given a different start time to everyone else to make them look like losers. 

Next to arrive are Mark and Ning and immediately they're asked about their sex life. The experts keep going on about how uncomfortable it is to discuss with the group and you LITERALLY created this situation as well as all the ensuing problems.

The contestants then start bitching about the experts, specifically how/why Dan and Jess are allowed in the experiment, which is awkward given the experts are... watching.

Always.

mafs
"That's clearly who they're talking about."

IT'S DAN AND JESS and Jess is all like "meet my new boyfriend!" and everyone's all like "Ma'am that's Tamara's husband".

They are inundated with questions to which Jess responds, "everyone needs to back off..."

Says the person who aggressively stole someone else's husband this week ffs.

But Heidi cannot. 

"I just keep thinking of Mick at home with his sheep," she says, nearly in tears. "Cuddling his sheep..."

OK. He's not necessarily cuddling his sheep. The sheep wouldn't... like it.

mick
"I also cuddle cows."
ADVERTISEMENT

HUSH NOW dinver is SURVED and Dan and Jess would like to make a toast to a room full of people who hate them.

"Thank you for accepting us," Jess says, far too prematurely.

Oh, sweetie no. No one has accepted this shit. What gave you the impression...? Did you mishear?

The majority of the table responds by making it clear a) they don't at all accept it, b) they will never accept it and c) have quite profound issues with both of them. Personally.

Jess continues to imagine that the group is at all invested in her relationship with Dan, and accidentally mentions the conversations they were having three weeks ago.

But, hold on.

They were married to other people three weeks ago.

gif
ADVERTISEMENT

And Jules doesn't like it.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO RIGHTEOUS AREN'T YOU," Martha says to Jules etc. and like... yeah. If by righteous you mean morally right.

Then. Yeah.

Martha reasons that people cheat all the time so what's the big deal and holy goodness that's a terrible argument.

"I feel like I'm in hell" Heidi says under her breath, and darling you've been here for two months now. We all have.

That's when Trish decides to drop her allocated sentence for the episode: "A BRAIN HIGH ON LOVE IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS A BRAIN HIGH ON HEROIN."

And it's confirmed.

Jess is on heroin.

jessika mafs
Some alcohol yes.

That explains why she's telling the table about her sex life - more specifically, having sex with Dan during the day with the blinds wide open, which sounds... illegal.

SHHHH JOHN AIKEN IS HERE and Sir pls, you're meant to be in the cupboard.

"I need Heidi and Mike to sit in their original seats," he says and that seems like dialogue that could have been cut but okay.

John Aiken has hired people to deliver each couple an honesty box, and once they have their questions, he asks if he can please stay for one drink, to which the table unanimously replies: no.

john aiken
"Go back to your cupboard."
ADVERTISEMENT

When it comes time for Jess and Dan, Jess replies to the first question with, "I'm definitely in love with you," and ma'am, we don't mean to be cynical but by our calculations it's been one week.

The experts are... horrified. How can two people be in love so quickly when they're not even fake married?

When Jess is given the opportunity to ask any question she likes, she asks Dan whether he loves her - which is the sort of question you should always ask in a public setting, surrounded by eight of your closest friends people who hate you, in a scene that will soon air on national television.

He pauses for a period which is longer than their relationship thus far, and eventually answers, "I think I do".

Ohhhhhh no.

Expert Mel lets out an audible 'oww' and yes the awkwardness is painful for all of us and we didn't like it at all.

ADVERTISEMENT

It's Heidi and Mike's turn, and we've completely tuned out of any dialogue about their relationship given that a) we've heard it a million times and b) we don't... care.

But only we are allowed to make fun of Heidi and Mike's relationship.

Not Jess, who starts laughing during their sacred honesty box time.

Mike, who was presumably on a tangent about how Heidi is the single biggest problem in their marriage, pauses to ask: "Is this funny to you?"

"I just think you're a pig really," Jess says and um this isn't the... time.

"I CAN'T STAND YOUR FACE ANYMORE," Mike yells and goodness John Aiken is very much wishing he stayed.

Jules tries to explain that everyone pretended to care about Jess' relationship so it's only polite that she pretends to care about Mike's but she doesn't... understand.

mafs
"We all have to listen to the bullshit."

Pause.

Imagine if Cyrell was here. There'd be no fruit for desert. That's for sure.

Continue.

Jules finally cracks it and starts yelling that there's women and there's girls in this experiment, and Jess can't seem to get her head around what she's saying and this is why.

"JULES WHY ARE YOU A WOMHAN AND WE'RE GEWLS?" she demands, forgetting that she's spent the last eight weeks spreading gossip, stealing husbands, and using the word 'allegations' in exclusively the wrong context.

When Mike starts to weigh in, Jess decides she's had enough.

ADVERTISEMENT

Suddenly she shouts: "YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO SAY NO IN YOUR FINAL VOWS BECAUSE YOU AND HEIDI'S RELATIONSHIP IS SO BAD."

When you've
When you've
just ruined
just ruined
another relationship.
another relationship.
ADVERTISEMENT

Oh.

Okay.

So you've just ruined that relationship but okay.

In all seriousness, how does Jess manage to get literally all the gossip when no one speaks to her. It's... incredible. 

But Dan doesn't think it's incredible.

He yells, "I'M OVER IT," before telling the camera that he doesn't like this side of Jess and shut up mate we thought you were in love.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook OR join our 'Married at First Sight Lols' Facebook group, where we spend the majority of our time.

Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 35: Heidi and Mike are cancelled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 34: Jess and Dan just had sex and we didn't like it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 33: Well. That's the best episode of TV we've ever watched.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 32: The problem with Jess and Dan's secret pact.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: Jess just got next level mean.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home. 

ADVERTISEMENT

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 23: The off-handed comment that ruined a relationship.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: Oh. We didn't know there was anyone crueler than Ines. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The commitment ceremony breaks a man.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: Jessika. What the HELL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: The truth about Martha and Cyrell's fight.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 18: Can we be real about the intruders?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 17: The biggest cheating scandal blew up and are we missing something?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 16: Ines, you're about to get everything you deserve.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 15: The weird sex act that's divided the men and the women. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: An X-rated affair has everyone asking one question.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The lie that's going to end in disaster. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: The sentence that broke Australia. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: The sex request that almost breaks Ex-Virgin Matt.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: This cheating scandal feels especially... mean. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9: The commitment ceremony that came with a content warning.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: We finally know why Sam refused to contact his wife.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: We just watched a man lose his virginity on national TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered. 

00:00 / ???