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We open on Jules and Cam who are apparently “chirpier than usual this morning,” but how is that possible. 

It turns out that last night they got… intimate. In the words of Jules, “we took intimacy to the deepest level possible,” and omg did you have anal or no.

Over in Ning and Mark’s apartment, however, precisely no one is having anal.

Ning shouts that she’d like to “KEEP MA PRIVATES PRIVATE” and then when Mark agreeably says, “baby steps,” she decides that she doesn’t like the phrase baby steps so Mark dutifully adds it to the list of shit he’s not allowed to do or say anymore.

But it’s ‘Yes’ week for Mark, so he decides to take Ning to the gym for an intense full body work out which she never once consented to.

It’s uncomfortable because Mark clearly wants to be the next Commando Steve on The Biggest Loser, but sir, that show was cancelled for a reason a million reasons.

Ning starts crying because Commando Mark is being very serious about her shitty workout, and we swear we hear him mutter something about how she'll regret it at the weigh in.

Eventually, Ning decides she doesn't like this side of Mark at all, specifically the side that demands she exercise when she clearly doesn't want to.

She keeps yelling that she "DIDN'T EVEN PAY" which feels like an argument for the other side but we'll let it slide because Ning is justifiably traumatised from that time she had to do push ups while someone kept repeating in her ear, "PAIN IS TEMPORARY GLORY LASTS FOREVER".

There is no glory here, Commando Mark. None at all. 

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Meanwhile, Ex-Virgin Matt made Lauren sign three permission slips, and obtained permission from both of her parents, in order to take her dancing during the day time.

As they do the tango, Ex-Virgin Matt maintains eye contact, desperately trying to work out when might be the best time to ask her what or whom a 'lesbian' is.

It's been a very confusing week for Ex-Virgin Matt and it's about to get more confusing.

After he has a mid afternoon nap, which would be fine, except that he's sitting completely upright the entire time, Lauren decides to confront him about her sexual needs.

Ex-Virgin Matt doesn't understand because he put his sticky thing inside the other thing and that was that. It's finished now and it was all very scary for him. 

"I need someone to be dominant," Lauren says, but Ex-Virgin Matt is confused.

He doesn't want to be abusive he tells the producer, which is very nice and also good to know, but also somewhat unrelated to the current discussion.

Finally he admits that he actually doesn't understand what the word 'dominant' means because it's not in any of his wizard novels, and sweetie sometimes we need to look things up on Porn Hub when we're confused and not ask the entire nation okay?

Seeing how receptive Ex-Virgin Matt was to the discussion about being dominant, Lauren decides to float the idea of threesomes and swinging, and no. 

Ex-Virgin Matt doesn't like it. 

If THIS is what the grown ups do then Ex-Virgin Matt wants no part in it. He is perfectly happy going to bed early and ironing his hiking socks and all this sex stuff is getting a little bit silly.

They decide to invite their friends, Jules and Cam, over for dinner.

Matt thinks they might like to know about the sex conversations they've been having and pause.

It's important we don't tell our new friends about Lauren's sexual preferences because it makes them feel... uncomfortable. 

Meanwhile, Cyrell is cooking Nic traditional 'Filo food' and no one has ever found anything as funny as Cyrell finds herself and same. 

Watching Nic eat chicken feet, salty fish but also a goose egg makes her laugh so hard she chokes on her red wine, falls off her seat, urinates in her pants and then vomits from all the laughter. 

Over in the apartment from hell, Elizabeth is trying to woo Sam with chocolate and strawberries and we want to die. She keeps talking about how much they have in common and how she needs affection in a relationship, but Sam suddenly has to leave because he says he has an urgent night funeral to attend.

Meanwhile, Ines has just wrapped up a mandatory dinner with Bronson, which is, as we all know, the best kind of dinner.

After 13 minutes, Ines kicks him out because, as he knows, she needs to recite her nightly mantra ("f*ck Bronson and his eyebrow ring") before she goes to bed.

But she's not doing her mantra yet.

Because Sam arrives, keen to put his night funeral time to good use.

Ines starts telling him that her relationship with Bronson isn't going so well, which shocks Sam, who was very much in the room when Bronson called Ines a ****.

"We've had real bad fights..." she says and WE KNOW.

After exchanging a few sentences, Ines says Sam makes her feel "real like cute and soft" and maybe that's because you're not literally yelling at him to SHUT THE F*CK UP but idk idk.

She feels sexual chemistry and tells Sam she wants to kiss him and Ines pls. They decide they can hang out all the time, they just can't hook up, because that would be deceitful, and then two minutes later Ines yells that she would like to send Sam nudes, immediately. If he will accept them.

Sam says that's fine and promises to continue their cheating later.

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Forgetting he told Elizabeth he was attending a night funeral, Sam walks in the door and says he was on the phone to his mum. At 11pm. For three hours. And that's why he has an erection.

YOU LIAR.

IT'S JUST LIKE THE TIME YOU SAID YOU WERE AT A FUNERAL WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY AT IBIZA.

Elizabeth understands and as they get into bed, she kisses him far too forcibly on the mouth and the cruelty of this show is almost becoming too much...

Almost.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.