To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

Guys, no.

Elizabeth is not doing fine.

Sam has been at a funeral that doesn’t exist for five days now and Elizabeth has found a new husband: the wall.

She’s asking it… questions. She’s being… affectionate. She’s saying things like “WHERE 4 ART THOU SAM” while laughing but also crying because she thinks the wall might leave her too.

“You didn’t even get to put your bikini on,” a producer remarks to Elizabeth and… no.

Only we get to make fun of the fact that Elizabeth never went on a honeymoon because her husband urgently had to go to a funeral in Ibiza with the boiz and he can’t answer his phone because the club has no reception.

SHH.

IT'S THE DINNER PARTY and we are more excited than we've ever been about anything in our lives.

Ines says, "I wonder if people will do outrageous things..." while secretly fantasising about skinning Bronson alive, publicly.

She casually mentions that she plans to walk in 10 metres behind Bronson because he's not a "respectable human," and sweetie pls at least you're not arriving with a wall.

Listen to The Recap, where we chat everything Married at First Sight. Post continues below. 

Speaking of Elizabeth, she's rocking back and forth saying things like, "I FORGIVE BUT I DO NOT FORGET" and can someone tell this woman that she's not contractually obliged to stay married to a man who left the show and also the country. A week ago.

As Matt and Lauren arrive, Matt announces that he's going to get himself a "drink of the hard stuff" before pouring himself a glass of icy water and we guess non-Virgin Matt tells self-deprecating jokes now.

Expert Trish notices and yells in John Aiken's face: "I THINK THEY'VE HAD SEX!" and Trish, calm yourself. We know how important this is to you.

Pause. 

Elizabeth has arrived on her own, deciding to leave the wall at home which we think was for the best. She hasn't known these people for... long enough.

John Aiken puts his head in his hands and moans, "Oh no," before remarking aggressively, "This is why I don't let you make the matches, Mel."

Ines can't stop laughing that Elizabeth has no husband, yelling "WHY IS SHE HERE?" and where else does anyone have to be, Ines? Where. Else?

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO HIM?" we hear from the back and yes it's yelling Melissa oh goodness how we've missed you

But Cyrell ain't buying it.

She thinks that the funeral might be fake which is a preposterous thing to say that never even crossed our minds.

These are the exact phrases we find ourselves yelling at the TV while watching Married at First Sight. Post continues after video.

A fight then erupts between people who think a) Sam definitely made up the funeral and b) Sam probably made up the funeral, and Elizabeth gets very defensive of her fake husband who is definitely at a funeral it's just that all the phone towers must be down in New Zealand and ON TOP OF THAT Sam has lost his thumbs in a tragic hand accident and so can't get back to her.

A man who isn't paid nearly enough announces "DINVER IS SARVED" and everyone takes their places at the dinner table.

"IT'S AMAZING I'M HAVING THE BEST NIGHT," Melissa yells and omg same.

But Ines is... bored.

She interrupts someone who was wasting her time and says, "I feel like this season is going to be different and everyone is going to get new husbands. This is going to turn into a massive sex party," and John Aiken loses his shit. 

"NO. YOU CAN'T," he says, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

It's like Ines thinks this whole thing is just a big joke when this is John Aiken's livelihood.

He has a PhD in Gossip and a Doctorate in Ruining People's Lives and this is no laughing matter.

Trish pats him on the back and suggests that Ines probably just said that for attention, which John Aiken likes very much.

Elizabeth is assuring those around her that she's still committed to Sam, it's just hard because she doesn't know where he is. Physically.

Then...

NO.

NO. 

SAM IS HERE AND WE ARE YELLING.

Expert Mel is shook and keeps repeating, "That's Sam... that's Sam..." and we KNOW Mel we're right here.

"Honey I'm home," Sam says to Elizabeth, with the smile of someone who has given a lot of women chlamydia in the last five days.

Elizabeth doesn't know how to tell him about the wall, so instead asks if he got her voicemail.

Sam says he doesn't have a voicemail, which doesn't feel to us like the most pressing issue right now, but Elizabeth very much disagrees.

Here is the story of Elizabeth discovering that Sam, does, in fact, have a voicemail, as told through images:

"I didn't have your number," he says and... look... we had a 15 spare minutes this afternoon and managed to find Elizabeth on Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn so we're not saying he's lying, we're just saying he didn't try. Not even a little bit.

"You're so angry," Sam observes, "you should just relax and breathe," which sounds like advice she needed three days ago before she was in a sexual relationship with a wall.

He then tells Elizabeth that she's 'carrying on' and needs a bit of 'compassion' and mate you're the one who made up a funeral for no reason.

Elizabeth goes to call you-know-who, and Sam catches up with Mike.

They discuss how women are ridiculously emotional and, as Sam puts it, "with men it's more logic."

Says the man who went to a fake funeral and did not consider for one moment letting the show he was currently on know where he was and when he might be coming back.

At this stage of the night, Ines has given up speaking to anyone and is just sitting in the dark, listening.

She has decided that Sam is a playboy, but one with a nice face, so muses: "If I was Elizabeth I would have sex with him for as long as I could until he left me," and holy shit that plan is too real.

We decide that Ines is the best kind of a spy. A judgemental one. Who sees nothing objectively.

Elizabeth has been advised by the wall to confront Sam again, because if there's one thing everyone knows, it's that you can always make a man care with more words.

She explains her feelings and we get a really weird voice over of Sam saying "kill me," before he reluctantly apologises believing it's his only way out of this conversation.

Elizabeth is confused. Apologetic and nice Sam doesn't seem... authentic.

At least when he was being mean she knew he meant it.

Hold. UP.

Jessika has decided it's time to confront Mike about a comment he may or may not have made three hours ago, which is all of us after 14 standard drinks.

Apparently Mike said she looked 'fake' when she walked in, which we believe given that he said without hesitation in a piece to camera that she had 'botox' in her lips.

When asked to explain what she heard she asks "SHOULD I DRAW A DIAPHRAGM?" and... no. Please don't.

It's not appropriate.

Mike reminds her that she's just a silly little girl who misheard something and maybe next time she should leave the talking to the logical men, like Sam over here who doesn't know how to find a woman on social media.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK...

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: We just watched a man lose his virginity on national TV.

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.