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The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: Jess just got next level mean.

To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

It’s week 409 of Married at First Sight and we didn’t want to say anything but they’re clearly running out of ideas.

We already had home stays. We already met the families. And the friends. And the pets. Then we met the families again. And now we’re meeting the friends again and next week we will meet the man who makes Mark’s fckn coffee on Wednesdays and why are we still here?

Ning is worried that Mark’s best friend won’t like her given her frankly appalling behaviour on her wedding day.

They decide to break the ice by telling a table full of people the story about how they nearly had sex but then Ning’s phone rang and we’re sorry but we can’t hear this story one more time it’s too much.

The story, unfortunately, doesn’t win Mark’s best friend over and he tells Ning that he doesn’t reckon they’ll last.

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'I firmly believe in doing whatever that strange man in the corner told me to do.'

"I just think they're doomed," he tells the camera and shut up Mark's best friend you haven't BEEN here you haven't SEEN.

It might be dysfunctional and Ning might refuse to touch Mark because she thinks it's gross but that doesn't mean they don't love each other deeply.

Meanwhile, Mick's sister is starting to feel like, "there's something not quite right about Jess," and ma'am are you a private investigator because you cracked the case.

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"Did I mention I work for the FBI or no."
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"I feel like she is a very good talker and can get her way out of things easily," she reflects and, oh no, we firmly disagree. Jess literally just said she is keeping her relationship with Dan "firmly under wrap" and is that toasted or no?

Back in his apartment, Mick is dressing for the boiz night (of which there has already been one too many) and holy crap.

We don't like it.
We don't like it.

He's matched his outfit to his offensive thongs and you're not going out like that Mick you look revolting.

Heidi and Mike are making up after their fight, which started after Mike went out for takeaway and came home with only food for himself - a transgression which we believe to be unforgivable.

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They're both still in shock that their families managed to offer advice that a) made sense and b) didn't involve yelling at Heidi.

"I learned more from that conversation today than I think I've learned about relationships possibly ever," Mike says, and in the background we can hear the faint sobs of a grown man named John Aiken.

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John pls compose yourself.

Tamara is excited for the gewlz night because she loves gossip so much. But she won't love this gossip. Because she is the gossip. In a bad way.

HUSH, DOWN THE BACK. IT'S TIME.

Mick wore his fckn unspecified sporting jersey and yes it has fckn holes in it.

Listen to the latest episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below.

It's entirely inappropriate for a night out in Sydney and we are offended on behalf of the venue but also this franchise.

Jess is telling the GEWLS that even though she kept Mick around to develop their friendship (??) she just hasn't "had the time to..."

"I BEEN TOO BUSY CHEATIN'," she says with her eyes. "You understand?"

Yes we... understand.

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"It's very hard for me. To find time for everything."
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After about five minutes she takes Martha off for a private conversation because you can't talk about kissing a man when his wife is right there that's the rules.

But Jess is very excited, and is using words like "DATE" and "DAN" very loudly within earshot of everyone else.

There is only a single bush between all the women and Jess and Martha and WHY ISN'T SOMEONE HIDING IN IT WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

"I don't like to start rumours," Ning says, with the expression of someone who very much likes to start rumours, "but I think there's something going on [between Dan and Jess]".

NING YES you start your rumour sweetie.

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LISTEN HERE LADIES.

Over at the boiz night, Mick keeps yelling, "I CANNOT WAIT TO FINALLY GO HOME," and maybe he's hoping that jersey will get him kicked off the show idk idk.

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But the subject of conversation turns to Dan and whether he is interested in any of the other women.

"I think his misses is hot as f*ck if I'm going to be honest with ya," Dan says, pointing at the disheveled stranger in the jersey.

He explains they've had "conversations at the dinner party" but their relationship hasn't gone any further.

Dan tells the camera that it would be "disrespectful" to tell the boys about his relationship with Jess without her there, and Sir that's not the part that would be disrespectful.

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"And when she's stroking my groin. Sexually."

Meanwhile, Jess is vehemently denying any relationship with Dan to Tamara's face and watching people lie this much cannot be good for our souls.

"Why is it always ME under the MICROSCOPE," Jess yells and probably because you're the one cheating and fckn lying about it.

She then decides the moral thing to do in this situation would be to divert attention and ruin someone else's marriage. 

Jess tells Ning that Mark "lies to [her]" and is planning on having sex with heaps of women once this experiment is over.

Oh.

... No.
... No.
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No, Jess.

We don't use Ning and her slightly problematic relationship as a means of distraction at social events.

But Ning feels confused.

"Where was this information two weeks ago?" she asks and Martha responds, "SHE NEEDED TIME TO MARINATE."

We're going to marinate you in a second if you don't quieten down.

She decides she will confront Mark tomorrow, with Jess as her lead (and only) witness.

There certainly won't be any sex for Ning and Mark tonight, and holy shit Mark is gonna be so mad when he finds out. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 23: The off-handed comment that ruined a relationship.

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The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: Oh. We didn't know there was anyone crueler than Ines. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The commitment ceremony breaks a man. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: Jessika. What the hell. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: The truth about Martha and Cyrell's fight. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 18: Can we be real about the intruders?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 17: The biggest cheating scandal blew up and are we missing something?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 16: Ines, you're about to get everything you deserve.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 15: The weird sex act that's divided the men and the women. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: An X-rated affair has everyone asking one question.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The lie that's going to end in disaster. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: The sentence that broke Australia. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: The sex request that almost breaks Ex-Virgin Matt.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: This cheating scandal feels especially... mean. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9: The commitment ceremony that came with a content warning.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: We finally know why Sam refused to contact his wife.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: We just watched a man lose his virginity on national TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered. 

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