To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

For four days now we’ve been calling hospitals and contacting police stations – because where the f*ck is Elizabeth and why is no one concerned, least of all her husband?

You see, Sam is distracted mostly because he is very itchy. 

For reasons that are never explored, he is a man in his late 20s who has suddenly contracted chicken pox.

Sam applies his pox lotion all over his body while looking at the bathroom door yelling “ELIZABETH” and dude… she’s not there. If she’s been gone for more than 24 hours then please, please, tell us you’ve checked the toilet.

Over in Jessika and Mick's apartment they're discussing how "the chicken pox was random," which is probably the most precise summation of the dinner party.

But tonight it's the Commitment Ceremony, and John Aiken has taken it upon himself to explain the rules even though we know the rules better than we know our own parents.

In preparation, Lauren is speaking to her friends about the time her fake husband announced in front of a group of people that he wasn't sexually attracted to her, like at all, and how he then came home and took all his food out of the fridge before he left.

"YOUR HUSBAND TOOK FOOD FROM YOU," Cyrell yells and sweetie you always have your priorities right.

First to see the experts are Jessika and Mick who are doing... fine... until expert Trish starts sh*t like always.

You see, Trish likes to talk about naughty sex things because it gives her the tingles. But the pair haven't had sex yet because Jess wants to wait.

"WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED, JESS," Trish shouts as she stamps her foot, and we need to not pressure strangers into having sex for no reason.

Next are Cyrell and Nic, and... look.

All Cyrell needs is a therapist who is qualified in something other than gossip and breaking people and she doesn't have that right now.

They have precisely the same conversation they had last week about how Cyrell yells about nothing in particular which scares Nic, but it's only because she loves him which sounds like one of the forms of abuse but okay.

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That's when John Aiken decides they need some rules like a) stop threatening to leave the experiment, b) take a break when the fighting intensifies and c) Cyrell needs a time out. Always. And since when does John Aiken have advice that makes sense and why is he waiting until literally right now to start issuing it ffs?

It's Mel and Dino's turn and Mel feels rejected because Dino only wants her for her soul and not her body, which is f*cked.

Mel drops in that the last time she had sex was New Years Eve.

.....

...

.

2009.

Oh.

That's almost a decade ago and now we know why she can't stop yelling.

She starts crying and explains, "I just feel like I won't be loved by a guy and that scares me because I want it so much," and no. 

WE LOVE YOU YELLING MEL.

Unconditionally.

Dino then gifts her a bracelet and says he'd like to stay with her for her soul and she starts crying all over again.

Cool.

IT'S TIME FOR EX-LESBIAN LAUREN AND EX-VIRGIN MATT AND EVERYONE PLS HUSH.

They tell the experts about the time Ex-Virgin Matt told a room full of people but also the entire nation he wasn't attracted to Ex-Lesbian Lauren, and that made her feel "humiliated" mostly because it was humiliating.

Ex-Virgin Matt is very sorry he just doesn't know because he only reads wizard novels.

Ex-Lesbian Lauren says she can't stay mad at him because he's an endangered species.

Both decide to leave and they thank the experts which feels unnecessary but okay.

Next up are Ning and Mark and Mark's all like "I do training in Melbourne, you might recognise me as Commando Mark," and Mark, pls. No one recognises you.

They talk about the time a gym session ruined their relationship because Mark went full Biggest Loser which Ning swears was axed like two years ago.

She decides to leave because she doesn't want to see what happens during the weigh-in, but Mark stays, and given this show doesn't believe in consent, they're forced to live together for another week.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But excuse us, it's Ines.

And she is here to lie to the experts in order to continue her naughty affair with Sam.

Bronson is very happy because he thinks they could "take over the world in a few weeks" and Jesus no.

He tells the experts they might even move back into the same apartment this week, while Ines explains to the camera that "if he steps into my front door I'm getting divorce" and darling that is not at all how marriage works.

They both decide to stay, including Ines, who is pretending to not hate Bronson for the purposes of breaking him via a cheating scandal.

It's now time for the final couple to speak to the experts - except there's an issue in that ELIZABETH IS STILL MISSING AND NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.

Sam sits on the couch, alone, and says he finds it very disrespectful that Elizabeth would leave and not contact him, who would do that sort of thing, how hard is it to send a text, etc

The experts drop the bombshell that they know where Elizabeth is (are you f*cking serious), and that, as we suspected, she has a viral infection and is too unwell to do Married at First Sight today.

Okay:

1. WE KNEW IT. She has goddamn chicken pox and like a NORMAL PERSON she's chosen not to appear on national television and... recover.
2. OF COURSE SHE ALSO HAS CHICKEN POX Sam was force feeding her strawberries with his chicken pox hands literally 48 hours ago.

Sam attempts to argue that he's sick and he still came to Married at First Sight today (yeah but... why), and the experts get mad because HE WAS CLEARED TO COME AND ELIZABETH WASN'T.

Of course, this begs the question, why did no one let us know where Elizabeth was and did they not consider that people would launch their own private, now embarrassingly unnecessary, investigations into her whereabouts?

Sam chooses to stay, so that he can pursue a relationship with Ines find out what's happening with Elizabeth, and why are people straight up lying to the experts now.

We are told that the next phase of the experiment involves travelling to the Gold Coast and holy shit Sam is going to start a nationwide chicken pox epidemic and how is this even legal.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: The sentence that broke Australia. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: The sex request that almost breaks Ex-Virgin Matt.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: This cheating scandal feels especially... mean. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9: The commitment ceremony that came with a content warning.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: We finally know why Sam refused to contact his wife.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: We just watched a man lose his virginity on national TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered. 

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