reality tv

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: We just watched a man lose his virginity on national TV.

To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

We open on Ines finding new and innovative ways to criticise her new husband, whom she hates.

“What do you do in your free time?” she asks while rolling her eyes and bitching about him to the camera, before interrupting his response with, “I like watching my sister’s dog drink milk.”

To be fair, that sounds fun. But also… should dogs be drinking milk? According to Google, no. Not particularly.

Meanwhile, Virgin Matt and Lauren have been sent to a winery in South Australia, which is perfect for a man who has made it abundantly clear that he does not drink alcohol.

Virgin Matt is always sitting a little bit too close to Lauren, who he now exclusively calls “LOZ”, because, yes, they have nicknames and, yes, Virgin Matt would like us to know about it.

"LOZ. I'm right here. On your left!"
"LOZ. I'm right here. On your left!"

Loz has suggested having a spa together, and immediately Matt starts to get sex anxiety but no, Matt.

No one is having sex in the spa. The water washes away your natural lubrication and then everyone gets thrush. No one wants that for you. Not for your first time. 

You see, Virgin Matt believes in his soul that as soon as you're semi-naked with a woman, all the bits slip inside and then you've done the sex.

But before anyone can get in the spa, something very bad happens.

Virgin Matt has a terrible stomach ache that he thinks might have been caused by anxiety, but Virgin Matt, that's not it. 

We think that maybe since the introduction of Loz, Virgin Matt hasn't had his... poo time.

ADVERTISEMENT
matt mafs
"Pls. I can feel it pushing."

For 29 years Virgin Matt has always had his poo time. It's at 9:15am every morning. Sometimes he plays Sodoku. Sometimes he practices his singing.

But now at 9:15am, Loz wants to get breakfast. Or, she's laying on the bed just over there and it's far too close to the toilet door for Virgin Matt's sphincter to adequately relax.

Virgin Matt hasn't pooed in four days and yes, he gets hospitalised for it, and no, the cameras don't show it because that would be distasteful.

Back in Sydney, Elizabeth is wondering why she hasn't heard from Sam since he left for a funeral that doesn't exist in a country he made up.

Just when we think things can't get any worse for Elizabeth, we catch her placing a cold piece of pizza inside a toaster and this is a woman who has been pushed to a brink we didn't know existed. 

Pizza doesn't go in the toaster, sweetie. We all know that.

elizabeth mafs
The cheese is going to get all... stuck.
ADVERTISEMENT

The next morning, Elizabeth decides to call Sam and tell him that they're going to need to replace the toaster, but he doesn't pick up. Mostly because he's out. At the club. At 11am. On a Monday.

Meanwhile, in Port Douglas Ines is complaining about how her and Bronson "don't have any chat". Of course, it's hard to have chat when one half of the conversations is pure insults but okay.

The pair go to a wildlife park where Ines criticises the way Bronson holds a koala and starts fights with half a dozen reptiles.

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU."
"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU."

They then decide to go parasailing which seems like a nice bonding activity until Ines yells, "Shut the f*ck up. When I say don't speak, shut the f*ck up."

Oh. 

You see, Ines tells us she's very anxious about parasailing, so needs to relax and "decompose" which sounds like it will be messy but also... smelly.

Bronson takes a deep breath and calmly says, "As a human you are a horrible, horrible person," which honestly feels two to three days overdue.

Ines tells him to "grow a ball sack" which is helpful and productive feedback, and Bronson respectfully suggests that he might know why she's still single.

Listen to our latest Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below...

ADVERTISEMENT

Ines spends the rest of the boat journey filing her nails (where did you... get the nail file) and coughing, so as to indicate her severe allergy to Bronson.

Luckily, she successfully decomposes and Bronson responsibly puts her in the compost bin.

Back in Sydney, Elizabeth has asked her girlfriends out to dinner, mostly because her toaster is broken and she can't make pizza anymore.

She brings up the slight issue that her fake husband left the morning after their wedding and now she hasn't seen him in like a week and he's not answering his phone.

One of Elizabeth's friends suggests that maybe that's a 'bit of a red flag,' and dude, yeah.

elizabeth mafs
"Gurl we've all been there."

Like... Sam. You can't just ghost someone on the television. We're all here and we... saw you.

Another friend, trying to comfort Elizabeth, suggests that maybe he doesn't have reception AND KAREN PLS THERE'S RECEPTION IN NEW ZEALAND WE LOOKED IT UP.

Down in Adelaide, Virgin Matt got up to poop in the middle of the night and now he feels 10 kilos lighter.

He decides to open up to Loz about losing someone very close to him, and they kiss etc.

But...

HOLY F*CKING SHIT VIRGIN MATT LOST HIS VIRGINITY AND NOW HE'S JUST MATT.

WUT
WUT.
ADVERTISEMENT

"It was worth the 29 year wait," he says, with a new smirk, adding, "I can't remember the last time I was this happy."

This is all we wanted but now that we have it why do we feel weird about it. 

We're worried that he's going to introduce himself to everyone in future by saying "Hi, I'm Matt, I have sexual intercourse occasionally," and Matt, pls, that's too forward.

He rushes off as he needs to tell John Aiken, immediately, closely followed by his parents, grandparents and singing teacher. He calls the RTA and also the passport office to tell them that they can officially take the 'virgin' part out of his name.

WE FEEL WEIRD AND NO WE DON'T KNOW WHY.

Until tomorrow night...

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook OR join our 'Married at First Sight Lols' Facebook group, where we spend the majority of our time.

Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom. 

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered. 

Light blue and pink butterfly illustration. You click, we help. Shooting star illustration.

Mamamia is funding 100 girls in school, every day.

So just by spending time with Mamamia, you’re helping educate girls, which is the best tool to lift them out of poverty.

Thanks for helping!

Light blue and pink butterfly illustration. Girl with pigtails sitting at desk writing in notebook. Row of four books.
Three hands holding books
00:00 / ???