The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak.

To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

Look.

Mark got his penis out and it’s far too soon.

Ning is horrified – but in fairness – Ning is always horrified. The morning after their wedding, Mark turned the light on in their bedroom, and there it was, flopping around in the wind. Ning describes it as a “nasty surprise” which seems cruel but also accurate.

But pause because it’s HONEYMOON TIME PLS.

In Fiji, Melissa is yelling at Dino for talking about the Hindu God Shiva before 8am. Everyone knows you’re not allowed to talk about spirituality before midday, it’s the rules.

She’s concerned they don’t speak the same language, mostly because Melissa speaks exclusively in yelling.

Dino tries to make Melissa meditate which she hates, as it’s difficult to quieten thoughts that are yelling. Always.

Speaking of yelling, Ning and Mark have arrived in Bangkok and Ning decides she should put the penis incident behind her and kiss Mark in the hotel pool.

It's fine. Apart from the fact Ning f*cking hated it.

"Yay!" Mark says as Ning wipes her mouth of his germs. "Don't say yay..." she responds and THIS IS NOT FUN THIS IS HELL.

Ning decides she feels sorry for Mark, because of how much she hates him.

In an attempt to do something that doesn't involve directly insulting Mark, Ning plans a cultural activity that involves putting two flower baskets in the river. If the baskets stay together, it means their relationship will last. If they separate, then Ning kills Mark.

We think Ning has probably put weights on Mark's basket so it sinks to the ocean floor and stays as far away from her as possible. But then John Aiken took them out and ruined everything.

Over in Palm Cove, Jessika and Mick are fighting mostly because they're strangers and now they have to travel together, but wait.

At this point in the show, there's a Mike, a Mick, a Mark and a Nic and THIS IS WHY we don't need unlimited Caucasians on the television FFS. It's all very confusing.

Mick is surprised that Jessika seems to be spending all her time on Instagram, and thinks that maybe, just maybe, she didn't go on Married at First Sight to find love.

But you know who did go on Married at First Sight to find love? Cam. But also Jules. And they now have 17 babies and have been married for 31 years.

A producer tells them they have to go kayaking and head towards a violent waterfall which we think looks like a very bad idea. But Cam trusts John Aiken, so off they go.

Predictably, the kayak capsizes, and despite AN ENTIRE PRODUCTION TEAM being within arm's reach, no one does sh*t. They just film Jules and Cam drowning for six minutes before they finally float to the surface.

Jesus.

Meanwhile, Dino is stripping and we want our money back but also a payment of $50 for the inconvenience of... watching.

He's doing it as a gift (?) that Mel has explicitly not asked for, and she indicates her discomfort by screeching while simultaneously recoiling. When that doesn't work, she resorts to intentionally knocking over a glass of red wine and then yelling that Dino GET SOMEONE TO CLEAN IT UP so they're not alone anymore. Maybe then... the stripping will stop.

In a conversation the next day, Dino and Mel speak for the first time about their relationship histories. Dino mentions that he was engaged literally like two months ago, but his fiance didn't like the ring he proposed with so they broke up.

...

Wait wot.

Mel wants the gossip pls, but mostly she wants to bitch about Dino's behaviour. To Dino.

She would also like the woman's number so they can gossip about how shit Dino is, and see a picture of the (ugly) ring.

"I MEAN I CHANGE MY MIND EVERY SECOND. I MIGHT BUY SOMETHING AND THEN DECIDE I DON'T WANT IT IS THAT A PROBLEM," she says and, well, yes. Probably.

She clearly thinks Dino should get back with his ex and apologise for being an idiot but that doesn't sound like the kind of thing you should say on your honeymoon. To your husband.

Things are somehow even worse on Mike and Heidi's honeymoon, where Mike is explaining to his wife that he "isn't [her] therapist".

For more Married At First Sight check out our Recap podcast where Clare and Jessie Stephens get into the nitty-gritty of Ning's Nasty surprise....

Heidi has decided to open up about her traumatic childhood, where she was in foster care and then went into government housing, but what Mike can't understand is why she's telling him about it.

"How hot is it today," he interrupts, before telling the camera that he doesn't like "talking about the same thing but from different angles..." which sounds like the definition of a conversation but okay.

You see, it's hard for Mike. Because he wants to listen, but he just can't, mostly because he really doesn't want to. Deep down.

He helpfully suggests to Heidi that next time she shorten her points out, because "you just went on a rant and I had to stop ya".

In the beginning, he was quite interested in what she was saying, he assures her. But she didn't really come to a conclusion so that's something to work on for next time.

Honey, no.

Heidi's upset because when you're 44 years old there's an expectation that you follow a conversation without demanding it stop for no reason.

They appear to be stuck on a yacht, alone, and we can't think of anything worse than being unable to escape someone who won't let you speak because it's boring for them.

Heidi is giving Mike the "silent treatment" and he doesn't like it which is weird because we swear this fight started because he told her to stop speaking.

Moving on.

John Aiken has delivered his infamous honeymoon truth box to Jessika and Mick with the sole purpose of starting shit. 

Mick asks his wife "Are you really in this for love or just for Instagram likes?" and, Sir.

Jessika is horrified BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE FOR THE LIKES SHE'S HERE FOR NEW FOLLOWERS FFS how can you know so little about the Instagram economy, Mick?

After storming off, she decides she's not that offended, and also realises that having a fight with Mick might end the marriage, meaning she won't be on the TV for as long.

We jump to the honeymoon of Nic and Cyrell - arguably the most haphazardly matched couple in the history of this franchise - where Nic has decorated the hotel room for his new fake wife.

The producers have told Nic that after 48 hours, it's urgent that he tell Cyrell about how he recovered from testicular cancer and - while he's at it - any ejaculation issues he might suffer as a result.

Cyrell cries when Nic speaks about being diagnosed at 24, and his path through treatment and recovery.

But then Nic announces that there's a secret he's never told anyone before, and now he's ready to tell her but also the entire nation and any international viewers.

When he had surgery, the doctor snipped the wrong... cord. And now Nic doesn't ejaculate outwards, he ejaculates into his stomach.

F*ck that's heavy.

Cyrell asks if he's able to have kids AND WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS CONVERSATION IT SHOULD BE PRIVATE.

Nic can, he explains, it will just need to be via IVF.

Well. There you go.

Until next week.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook OR join our 'Married at First Sight Lols' Facebook group, where we spend the majority of our time.

Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.

And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.