The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 34: Jess and Dan just had sex and we didn't like it.

March 25, 2019

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We open on a narrator telling us that the “events of last night are still weighing heavily on Dan,” and dude no sh*t no one in Australia slept last night coz they were so mad.

Despite breaking precisely all of John Aiken’s rules and cheating on their partners, Dan and Jess have been allowed to re-enter the experiment as a couple, and now viewers are insisting they’re going to boycott the show out of PRINCIPLE which is HILARIOUS because this show is MORALLY VOID and have you FORGOTTEN when Ines slept with a giant chicken pok?

sam ines — How are Jess and Dan more morally bankrupt than this?

Realistically we all should have boycotted this show three months ago but alas here we all are in our pyjamas with our snacks.

Trying to process the dramatic events of last night, Jules says to her husband Cam, "Who are we to judge?" and ma'am pls that's our full time job.

Today, everyone is being paired with someone else's partner because they've run out of activities to structure the episodes and now we're literally left with different people having chats in various locations for an hour and a half which is not what we signed up for.

john-aiken-mafs — "Trish has brought nothing to the table. So here we are."

Clare and Jessie Stephens

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When Jess arrives at a bar to meet Mike, there are two things we immediately notice.

The first is that she's already purchased a (large) glass of wine, which feels like the sort of thing you should do after you've greeted the person you're meeting, but okay.

The second is that neither of them even acknowledge the nibbles that are sitting between them, even though it appears to be quite a hungry time of day. It feels wasteful and disrespectful to us, the viewers.

Mike initially acts as though he approves of Jess' newfound relationship with Dan, admitting that some of the comments made about her at the dinner party were 'regrettable' (sir... you insulted the woman's face. We were... there).

But his facade of not hating Jess/women can only ever last a few minutes at a time, so he gets out his palm cards and starts explaining why a) Jess is just a silly little girl and b) women should hush so the mens can speak uninterrupted.

mike-mafs — "What don't women understand about 'stop talking'?"

"WHATEVER LESSON HE THINKS I'VE SUPPOSEDLY LEARNED, I HAVEN'T," Jess says and for once we respect your attitude.

Next we cross to Ning and Michael in a park. Ning has made Michael brownies and...

No, pause.

This episode is a filler piece of television that never should have been aired.

We feel personally victimised by John Aiken who is definitely at home watching re-runs of Border Security while we are investing our entire Monday night into TRYING TO RECAP THE OCCURRENCE OF NOTHING.

At one stage we started watching our fckn feet because it was more intellectually stimulating than watching Jules speak to goddamn Mark about Ning.

And then it happens.

We're tipped over the edge.

Heidi. And. Mike. Have. A. Fight. About. Mike. Being. Inconsiderate.

WE KNOW HEIDI.

WE SEEN'T IT.

Heidi asks Mike whether he accepted "any of the responsibility" for the argument between him and Jess and no. He fundamentally does not understand the question.

IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL DATES and yes we've left out approximately 20 minutes of what occurred, because no one should have to experience that... twice.

Jess and Dan would like us to know that they've been in a relationship for a whole 24 hours and they haven't even had sex yet.

For their final date (but also first date??? that doesn't involve cheating???) they go on a boat, and we don't mean to be rude but... this isn't The Bachelor. This is Married at First Sight and we do bogan activities like mini-golf in big groups, or beers at a Sydney pub with a shitty Trip Advisor review.

Reflecting on her relationship with Dan, Jess says "I got what I wanted and that's all that matters," and what an attitude.

Meanwhile, Ning and Mark are spending their final night together in a tree house in the Blue Mountains, and look.

Yes.

It looked very different online.

We can tell by Mark's face.

mark-mafs — I'll be asking for my money back, yeah.

They both pretend it's 'rustic' and 'cosy' but in reality it's an unstable cubby house with tin walls, being held up by a single branch.

Ning wants to have sex in order to forget where they are, but Mark's concerned that any unexpected movement could send the cubby falling, and the impact would hurt his back.

Trying to get Mark's mind off the accommodation from hell, Ning suggests a spa bath. It's at this point we see Mark's full butt and no we weren't... prepared.

You see, no one at Channel 9 got to this point of the show to check for unexpected nudity because they fell asleep halfway through.

Ultimately, it doesn't appear as though Ning and Mark have sex, again making this entire spectacle a waste of our night.

In Sydney, Michael and Martha go on a romantic date and talk about such issues as their future living arrangements, but ffs we're not here to watch people fall in love, we're here to watch Cyrell hit people.

Meanwhile, Jess and Dan are spending the night in another Sydney hotel and YOU ALREADY LIVE IN A HOTEL WHY ARE YOU IN A NEW ONE DO YOU HAVE MONEY TO BURN?

As Dan almost destroys his own face with a bottle of champagne, Jess gushes to the cameras, "where has this man come from?" and... oh.

You must have... missed it.

He was another woman's husband. Just yesterday, in fact. Then you intentionally stole him and left two people sobbing and humiliated on national television.

jessika — Started from the bottom now we're... here.

Anywho.

That night, we're shown Jess and Dan getting in bed together. "I've been fighting urges to be with Jess from day one," Dan says and... ew.

Without warning, we're full on see them initiate sex and WHY ARE WE WATCHING PORN we didn't consent to this or maybe we did we honestly can't remember at this point.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 33: Well. That's the best episode of TV we've ever watched.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 32: The problem with Jess and Dan's secret pact.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: Jess just got next level mean.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home.