The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: Oh. We didn't know there was anyone crueler than Ines.

March 4, 2019

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After being reprimanded at the Commitment Ceremony last night, Susie has taken it all in, and upon reflection has concluded that John Aiken is a f*cking idiot and she shan’t be taking his advice.

She walks into Billy’s house and yells “CLEAN YOUR MIRROR” which feels like a rude thing to say when you’re a… guest… but Billy obliges by scrubbing it with the nearest cloth.

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"That's interesting cleaning," Susie says, before clarifying under her breath, "and by interesting I mean shit," and yes, Susie. We know.

Over on Mick's farm, his sheep are being very suspicious.

"We know she been playin'", one sheep tells the others, and they decide to stare at her with their creepy crossed-eyes which would terrify anyone.

mafs — "She flirted with Nic. AND Dan. All while married to Dad."

Jess is understandably worried that the conspiring sheep are going to bite her, and while Mick assures her that would never happen, he has a private word to his sheep tribe - telling them in no uncertain terms that the time has come.

mick mafs — "Chase the crazy lady, boiz."

Over at Mark's house, he's singing the praises of his full body pillow and THIS is why marriages don't work. Because DEEP DOWN everyone is painfully boring and the whole game is putting off having the other person know that for as long as possible.

"It's completely revolutionised my sleeping patterns," he assures Ning and dude are you a pillow salesman? Because we'll buy six.

He tells Ning that he's never had a woman back to his house before because he doesn't want them knowing where he lives and Mark, sweetie, no one cares where you live. Ning has literally already forgotten.

But that's when she... discovers it.

The cup but also the plate situation.

We learned earlier in the season that, yes, Mark only owned a single plastic cup with no back up plan whatsoever if it happened to rip or worse blow away in the wind.

mark mafs — Sir. Where is your vegemite.

But it would appear that in preparation for his guest, Mark has bought more plastic cups and JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LONELY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T AFFORD CROCKERY.

Ning, we beg of you. Buy this man a mug. Pls.

We're back with Billy and pause.

Billy has a full blown house in Byron f*cking Bay and that makes you above all criticism and someone needs to tell Susie.

In an attempt to make his wife hate him less, Billy shares with her a nude calendar he once did, and says, "It my flaccid penis, you like it yes?"

No Billy. It's 8pm on a Wednesday and people are having dinner. Furthermore, a flaccid penis has never repaired a single relationship.

Over at Nic's house, he's taking Cyrell to get to know his parents.

But Cyrell is nervous. Because, yes, it's likely the whole 'I-grabbed-a-woman-by-the-dressing-gown-and-tried-to-hit-her-and-then-yelled-at-a-producer-I'm-not-scared-of-you-brutha' incident will come up.

When Cyrell meets Nic's mum, she bashfully says, "I haven't been the best wife to your son, Kathy," before adding, "We've had meetings with John - the expert."

She then mutters under her breath, "ItriedtohurtawomanandJohnmademeapologise' and Nic's mum doesn't understand but assumes it's all fine.

Over at Michael's home visit, he's decided to take his wife to meet the kids he teaches and... no.

You can't just take Kim Kardashian into a primary school without security that's just irresponsible.

The kids get nervous and tell Kim all about how badly dressed Michael is which Kim appreciates.

mafs martha — "You feel too famous to be at our school for no reason."

HUSH.

Billy and Susie have gone surfing, and Billy offhandedly remarks that the last time he surfed was a few months ago.

Which would be fine.

Except that Susie has somehow trapped him in an entirely insignificant lie.

"You told me you surfed a few years ago it's just misleading darling," Susie says and wtf are you talking about.

Billy is in shock because Susie is picking a fight about when he last surfed and since when does Susie listen to anything he says?

But she's becoming increasingly angry.

Susie. Darling. Everyone is always lying about literally everything. When you catch them out you just feel embarrassed for them (internally) for a moment and then move on. Maybe bitch to a friend. Write it in your diary idk idk.

The fight progresses, with Susie suggesting that Billy just "be honest darling" and Billy crying because he feels like "a piece of shit," and we are suddenly overwhelmed by how unspeakably embarrassing this entire exchange is for everyone involved including us.

HE LIED TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE HE SURFED MORE THAN HE DID WHICH WE HAVE ALL DONE IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER.

mafs-billy — "I thought if I convinced Susie I surfed regularly then she'd finally love me back."

"What is the problem?" Billy desperately asks the camera.

Yes, well.

The problem is that you married a stranger on television for no reason.

That would definitely be the main... problem.

Billy decides to just cry under a tree for a while and tell the camera how hard he's trying but... why?

The demon who possessed Ines has now possessed Susie, except it's much worse because at least Ines didn't insist on calling anyone 'darling'.

Meanwhile, the other couples are being particularly boring.

Ning shows Mark what a 'candle' is, and explains that people put them in their homes to feel less lonely etc. Jess demands that Mick change his pillow cases because they "smell" and look we didn't want to say anything but, yes, they look like they smell. Like drool.

But we're distracted because Billy is not doing... great.

Susie's had some time to think and yes she has some more (new) insults.

"I'm not a sook like you," she helpfully explains before reminding Billy of all the little white lies that keep coming up, like when he said he thought he had sweetener in the cupboard but didn't.

......

................

We're fairly certain Billy lies because he's scared of you but okay.

With his very last shred of dignity, Billy yells 'THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU', while dousing Susie in holy water and demands she leave this house.

She makes a swift exit while hissing.