The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 37: WE'RE CRYING.

March 31, 2019

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We open with at least seven minutes of flashbacks and excuse us we’d like to file a formal complaint.

The problem is this:

We already seen't it.

There is simply no detail over the last three months that anyone has missed... do you understand?

Every night at 7.30pm (7pm on Sundays, obviously), we have diligently sat in front of our television screens, in silence, and felt our collective IQ lower by the hour.

The flashbacks are a waste of everyone's time. We were there. Always.

Luckily, we run out of flashback opportunities with Dan and Jess fairly quickly, given they've only been together for five business days.

Instead, we see them waking up in bed together the morning after the dinner party, where Dan is feeling a little uncomfortable about the time Jess nearly glassed a guy last night.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 31, 2019

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"I got to see a side of Jess that seems to like a fight," Dan tells the camera, and holy sh*t what other side have you been seeing?

Meanwhile, Jules can't stop crying because she doesn't want to say goodbye to Cam and darling neither do we.

They sit down and watch their wedding video together while Cam loudly sobs because he is so overwhelmed with emotion.

Pause.

Genuine question: Is this what romantic relationships are meant to look like? Because we're 100 per cent doing them wrong.

Continue.

In Perth, Jess is walking around her house thinking about Dan which makes for frankly terrible television.

"I'm moving to the Gold Coast to be with him and I'm really excited," she tells her cat, and why do we feel like that wasn't a conversation but more of a decision Jess made and then announced. To Dan.

Over in the Gold Coast, Dan is telling his mum about how he a lil' bit cheated on the other woman he brought home (Tania he thinks her name was) but now he's met another lady and they fell in love on Tuesday.

"You've shocked me!" she says, despite the fact she doesn't look even remotely shocked.

"Do you think you're jumping in a bit quick?" she asks, which is ridiculous because they've known each other for three weeks now, and for two thirds of that time they were married to other people. Silly Dan's mum.

She's concerned that Jess is coming to live in the Gold Coast and speculates it could just be because she needs a place to live - an assumption we enjoy very much.

dan mum — "100 per cent this woman does not have a permanent residence."

In Perth, Jess has decided to explain to her sister Eliza that she broke up with her husband last week, and - yes - she is now about to move to the other side of the country with another man.

"Dan told me he loved me, and I told him I love him," she says with a red wine in her hand, even though it looks like it's mid-morning at the latest.

But Eliza doesn't give her the squeals of excitement she expected.

"You've only really been together for a few weeks now..." she says disapprovingly, and um, ma'am, let's slow down. It's been one week.

jessika mafs — "Make more of a fuss FFS."

Jess then drops the news that she's moving to the Gold Coast, at which point her sister gives her a look that simply says: "Oh cool I'm so embarrassed for you".

Speaking to the camera moments later, Jess breaks down in tears, acutely aware that no one she's ever met thinks that a) she's genuinely in love with her boyfriend of one week, b) it was a good idea to steal someone else's husband, or c) she should go live with a strange man and his four-year-old son, approximately a 46 hour drive away from all her family and friends.

Jess, srsly. Are you employed? Don't you have to give notice? Do you have a place that you're renting WHAT ABOUT YOUR GYM MEMBERSHIP you need to think about these things.

jess mafs — "I'll put my fist under my chin so they can tell I'm thinking hard..."

SHHHH it's time for the final vows and someone better either propose or break up or we'll be shitty.

"I'm so confident coming into this final vow," Jess says and you meant to say vows pls self correct.

She meets Dan in a forest and whips out her special palm cards that every Year Nine student uses for public speaking.

"Me and you meeting was a dream gifted from fate," she tells Dan which doesn't 100 per cent make sense but we'll allow it.

She declares that she's "unconditionally in love" so we guess that's a... yes. To Dan.

But now it's Dan's turn. And he's sweatin'.

He says that despite all the feelings, he's really struggled with the lie they were living, and why are you guys trying to convince us Dan says 'no' when we've SEEN the paparazzi pictures. Do not UNDERESTIMATE us.

Dan shakes his head violently and goodness maybe the paparazzi shots lied..

PAP SHOTS NEVER LIE IDIOTS.

"I found that girl in you," Dan says and ffs we don't appreciate being tricked.

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He gives her a ring as a symbol of his commitment to put on the precise finger a wedding ring goes and, Sir, we think that's what most people call 'an engagement ring'.

They kiss and no we're not happy for you.

We miss Mick and his dirty petrol station thongs.

SHUT UP NOW IT'S TIME FOR JULES AND CAM.

Jules is obviously wearing white because yes she'd like to be proposed to this afternoon thanks.

It is at this moment that Cam tells the camera he will be proposing and we don't mean to be rude but you just... very much just ruined the suspense.

Oh.

Okay.

Suddenly we're going full 90s film clip.

There's gospel music and Cam is walking through misty trees like he's Kanye but maybe also John Aiken.

You see, Married at First Sight don't know how to celebrate love in an authentic way because they've never had to do it before. So now they're using film techniques from Avatar and everyone is feeling very uncomfortable.

It's raining and we feel like we're in a horror movie but also Twilight.

They finally meet in a garden that honestly might also be a grave site, and Jules says, "I want you to be the father of my children."

We wonder for a moment if the overwhelming love between Jules and Cam makes all the failures of this show worth it, and quickly decide... probs not.

But it's still nice.

It's Cam's turn, and he tells Jules that she's nothing short of perfect, and he can't imagine a day without her.

"This might be a little bit backwards," he says, adding, "it's about giving you and us the moment we missed coming into this experiment."

CAM IS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. WE REPEAT. WE HAVE A KNEEL.

He slips quite a nice ring on Jules' finger and everyone's crying and by everyone we mean us.

"We're proof that this experiment can work," Cam says - and just out of shot we think we can see John Aiken with a gun to his head mouthing "Say. It."

John, pls.

Cam and Jules found love despite this shit show. Not because of it.

We all know that.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 36: Things just got completely out of control.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 35: Heidi and Mike are cancelled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 34: Jess and Dan just had sex and we didn't like it.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 33: Well. That's the best episode of TV we've ever watched.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 32: The problem with Jess and Dan's secret pact.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: Jess just got next level mean.