To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.

We have never looked forward to anything like we have this episode of television.

All week we’ve been stopping people on the street and standing too close to their faces while yelling: “SUNDAY AND MONDAY WILL BE THE BEST TWO NIGHTS OF TELEVISION THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

We then whispered, “It will be like the royal wedding, but dirtier…” before finding someone else to alert.

How does one calm oneself when weknowa drink is thrown and our darling Cyrell isheld back from murdering a woman?

How?

We open on MEL who speaks exclusively in SHOUTING and goodness how we’ve missed you.

All she wants is the gossip. Her eyes are frantic as she salivates repeating the line, “Ijustwanttoknow.”

SHUT THE F*CK UP AND TELL ME

We just want to know too, sweetie.

Oh.

It's Cyrell.

And she's had her hair curled so that she looks nice when she's throwing fruit bowls (that she brought in her wheelie bag) at people.

"I'm very passionate with certain things, I've noticed," she says contemplatively and yes, Cyrell, we've all noticed.

But now we cut to ex-virgin Matt and and holy sh*t we forgot you existed until this very moment.

OMG hi

He says he's been busy "making friends" which sounds made up but okay.

Over in Ning's room, she has some gossip she's been waiting to share with us.

Mark has been texting her but also calling andmaybe she's forgiven him for that time she got dumped on the television and no one even told her her earring was falling out.

Listen to Clare and Jessie Stephens recap Married at First Sight. Post continues after audio.

She says she'll know Mark is still interested if he turns up with a beard because he knows she likes it and we appreciate the heads up darling.

As a side note, during one of our dozens of conversations about this episode over the past week we made a frankly genius observation.

Ning is 10 per cent Cyrell.

Think about it.

"I'm not a monster."

STOP. IT'S INES. WHO WE HAVE ALWAYS LOW KEY LIKED BUT COULDN'T ADMIT IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

She's accompanied by devil music which is helpful in setting the scene, and remarks about the dinner party, "Everyone is so dramatic. It could turn into a bad party. Or everyone could get naked."

You are trolling everyone 100 per cent of the time and it's hilarious.

While Mick is staying at some run down motel 11 suburbs away, Jess and Dan are in their room declaring themselves 'couple goals' which is not something you get to call... yourself.

That's for us to decide andno.

They talk about such interesting topics as a) how they don't care what anyone thinks and b) how good Jess looks and all. we. want. in. life. is. for. them. to. have. their. comeuppance.

#goals

IT'S TIME FOR THE DINNER PARTY and John Aiken is f*cked up excited.

Mel arrives and can't breathe due to being so overwhelmed (same), and Cyrell keeps telling people she's "STILL CRAZY but good," which is shockingly accurate.

"She just calls people on their bullshit," expert Trish says a little too passionately, and... why do we feel like she's been hanging out with Cyrell ... socially... as of late.

Trish.. no.

When Cyrell hears that Jess and Dan left their respective partners for each other we sound a weather warning for Cyclone Cyrell, because she's comin' in hard and everyone needs to take cover.

The door then opens and ugh who the f*ck invited Dino.

But he is followed by Sam andno.

"Where's his... face?" a disembodied voice asks and honestly we don't know.

Oh.

what

is that

"Interesting choice..." says expert Mel about his lack of beard, as she vomits into a bucket and your comments don't feel that professional but we'll allow it.

Look.

This isn't about people's appearances. We don’t go criticising people for how they look. That would be low.

BUT SAM LOOKS HORRIFIC DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

He reminds us of this hairless guinea pig we found on Instagram and we're allowed to say it because he is also the worst.

Moments later, Lizzie walks in and greets everyone except Sam.

He makes snide comments about how he was snubbed, but a) Sir, it's highly likely she didn't recognise you with your missing face, and b) you literally faked a funeral, THEN cheated on her, THEN told everyone about the time she sucked your finger by accident.

STOP.

It's Mark and he's grown his beard and it's the purest declaration of love we've ever seen. Ning mentions in passing that Mark has been sending her memes which everyone knows is the 30+ equivalent of sending dick pics. It's so romantic.

When Ines arrives, she also snubs Sam, but again, we think she probably looked at him and thought, 'oh random I've never seen that guy before in my life'.

She greets ex-virgin Matt and when he asks her how she is, she yells 'I'M HORNY,' which is disturbing for him.

'Can someone call my mum.'

Once everyone has arrived, it's time for a very special announcement.

Yes, Cam and Jules are engaged. Yes, it's confusing given that they're real engaged in the context of being fake married. John Aiken becomes visibly emotional because heknewhis experiment had merit, even when cheating scandals were unfolding and fruit bowls were being thrown.

A rogue waiter emerges to tell the room that DINVAR IS SARVED and we're sweatin' because this is when someone throws wine on Cyrell and Cyrell tries to do a murder.

Speaking of Cyrell, she's drinking an orange drink and we think for a moment that it's very responsible that she's put herself on the cordials so early. Then someone mentions that it's vodka passionfruit andwho the hell let her have spirits she's a developing cyclone ffs.

Meanwhile, a strange friendship has developed between Sam and... Billy.

Getting a weird vibe from the room, Billy asks his new friend, 'did you have a cheating scandal?' and Sam replies, 'nah'.

Heh?

YES YOU DID AND WE SEEN'T IT.

He explains that he went on a date with another woman (which sounds a 'lil bit like cheatin'), and said he didn't feel a connection.

Oh.

He's forgotten the time he had sex with Ines on the TV and we were all invited. And as a side note, dude,why are you so sweaty?

At the other end of the table is Mike, AND WTF HAPPENING WITH HEIDI FFS.

They're both being private about the details which would be fine had they not had an entire episode of television dedicated to them literally four days ago.

Mike now has no friends so has to sit next to ex-virgin Matt. And next to Matt is... Dino. Which is hilarious. So he is stuck speaking to Jess. Who he despises.

She's chatting to Martha about how money keeps finding its way into her account even though she doesn't work and you should definitely... tell the bank about that.

'..Na'

"Dad's like 'do you need five grand?' and I'm like 'yes daddy'," Jess says and holy sh*t you really need to not.

From there, they start criticising our good friend Cyrell who is making a speech to no one in particular about how some people have made a mockery of this experiment by thinking, "HEY. MY HOO HAA IS BORED AND I'MA JUMP ONTO YOUR HUSBAND".

Cyrell, pls. You have astunningway with words.

When no one fights back, Cyrell decides she didn't get her hair curled for nothing, so politely tells Michael that he has no balls and Martha will leave him soon etc.

Martha. Don't. Like.It.

She has decided that Cyrell is "rancid trash" which is an unkind thing to say out loud, and so proceeds to get up from her chair and pour her drink on Cyrell's head and a little bit even goes in her eye andlegit people in prison behave better than this.

That's when Cyrell reaches into her wheelie bag and tries to get out her fruit bowls for throwing purposes but as she runs for Martha, she is intercepted by Mike and Nic who honestly saved a life tonight.

Jesus.

A producer demands that Martha apologise but it just ends with Cyrell reciting a line that she has most definitely written down and practiced saying out loud for weeks now. Ahem.

"You're as fake as your nose, lip and boob job [pause for effect] it's a shame you couldn't find a [emphasis] plastic surgeon who could fix your personality because [speed up delivery] that'swhat'sthefakestthemost" YES CYRELL WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN YOU JUST BOTCHED THE END A