Excuse us for a moment, but Tracey sent nudes. To Visionz.
And then they breezed over it like nothing even happened AS IF WE WOULD FORGET.
But we shan’t ever forget.
We know Sean heard this news, began spasming uncontrollably, and shouted, “YOU DON’T TRACEY F*CKING TELL DON’T TRUTH LIE MATE,” because he couldn’t quite get his words right, then violently attacked Dean and whispered in his ear, “Listen here, Visionz. She’s my Cyclone Tracey now.”
They think we couldn't have handled that level of violence at 8:15pm on a Wednesday night.
But, oh, we could've.
We open on... look we don't know what the purpose of this... gathering is exactly, but the sole purpose is to Blow. Shit. Up.
The experts decide to present all the couples with a montage of everyone's weddings and ffs don't you even dare fill this episode with flashbacks when we know there are people in this room who have THINGS they need to YELL.
We are then subjected to a lengthy package of Carly and Troy humping/licking the inside of each other's mouths, which is a clear attempt to make Ashley as angry as possible.
It works and we are very pleased.
Clare and Jessie discuss the fact that Davina is actually incapable of being sorry on tonight's episode of MAFS Chat. Post continues after audio.
Carly says she was very worried about hurting Ashley's feelings by arriving with her former fake-husband, but Ashley says it didn't look like that when she had anal sex with Troy at the dinner table.
Omg so true...
Troy reveals he is moving to Melbourne with Carly because a) they've been dating for two weeks b) they both enjoy regularly humping in the local park, c) the police know him now and d) he left his stuffed unicorn on Carly's bedside table and can't sleep without it.
Charlene and Patrick are now summoned by the experts and laugh about how once they got to know each other their relationship kind of fizzled and it's not that funny haha.
We know Ruby has definitely been meddlin' in their business, probably by hiding under Patrick's bed and then emerging midway through sexy time to ask if he has any washing he needs her to do.
We like Ruby very much.
But, no. Turns out after the experiment finished they haven't really seen each other because Patrick's been busy??? There's precisely no resolution, with them halfheartedly mumbling, "We'll see how we go."
SHHHHHH SHUT UP PLS IT'S THE MOMENT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR AND EXPERT TRISH IS WEEING HER PANTS A LIL BIT.
The experts have tortured a junior camera man in order to secure the footage from boiz night, and yes, ultimately, it was a reasonable sacrifice.
There's frankly humiliating footage of Troy yelling, "Let's talk about GUY STUFF," and Troy, pls, talking about the time you stuck your finger in a dolphin's blow hole doesn't at all constitute 'guy stuff'.
Other highlights include:
- Dean saying he had a 'vibe' with Carly
- Justin saying he sort of liked Ash but mostly ice cream machines
- Dean yelling "Someone just say they want to bang Tracey!"
As the video wraps up, Tracey says, "Really respectful!" while at precisely the same time Troy starts shouting, "That was tame! Nothing! Promise!"
We don't need you to promise anything coz we all just seen't it with our eyes.
Expert Mel asks, "What part of that was respectful?" and both Dean and Troy try to explain that it's just typical boys night, even though Troy has never once in his whole life attended a boys night.
Dean tells everyone that he's just really funny and has an extreme sense of humour, which seems like an odd thing to insist when no one in the room is laughing at all, except for John Aiken who is chanting "OIZ" while slapping his knee.
Mel has frankly had enough of John antics and drops some profound wisdom about the purpose of airing this footage, which includes 'ratings' and 'publicity'.
John announces that now is a good time to get Tracey, Dean, Davina and Ryan on the couch to get to the bottom of the textin' scandal and yes we very much agree.
We were there, obviously, but for the first time, Tracey sees Dean tell Davina, "No offence to Tracey but her looks are not her best quality."
Of course, she is not at all offended, because Dean was sure to say "no offence" right before it.
Dean is all like, "WOT" and it's like... what? You said it why are you confused we don't understand.
But, hush now, it's time for everyone, but mostly Mel, to tell Davina she is a bad person.
Tracey yells, "You have no morals and no values," and Davina insists she's already apologised, but did you? Because we recall last night you saying you didn't know Tracey, but also that she was crazy.
Ryan interjects that he has a TATTOO with DAVINA on it and she's definitely not sorry enough about that, given her final words on the show were "I have no regrets".
HOLY SHIT NASSER HAS SOME THOTS.
Nasser... we've missed you.
"Darling you've got to grow up and it's not all about hashtag Davina hashtag coconut oil," he says and it's so petty yet so perfect.
At this point, Davina tries to argue that now everyone's swapping partners so, like, what's the big deal, and Mel has had enough.
She goes to her desk and gets out her Married at First Sight Ethics Handbook, and points to the page that clearly states you're not allowed to swap partners when you're fake married, but definitely can once the fake marriage has ended.
Davina doesn't at all understand, but that's okay.
Now it's Dean and Tracey time, and yeah, they're showing the rap to everyone. Sean slowly reaches for his backpack and places a cap on his head before muttering awkwardly, "Tracey... my lil lady." No Sean. No.
But John Aiken wants to start shit one last time, and asks Dean about the texts Sean's been ramblin' about.
Sean tells everyone that Dean is sending sexual texts to Tracey, which - yes - seems somewhat inappropriate.
BUT HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE.
It is here we learn that, in case you were wondering, Tracey has been sending pictures to Dean of her in her underwear. And yes, Dean has been replying, because it would be rude not to.
That's when everyone looks in the direction of one person.
She's been warned. They told her no more advice about sixy tixts. They don't always help. And now look what's happened.
Tracey says it wasn't her intention to bring this up in front of everyone and... yeah... we'd hope not... because this doesn't at all look good for you.
We go to an ad break and assume we'll return to see Sean losing it, but then something curious happens.
The show moves along. And just leaves the dirty texts... there.
It's clear what's happened.
After everyone found out about the texts, Sean stood up, went to his backpack, and pulled out a cat. He then... hurt the cat (violently), and the producers decided this probably wasn't appropriate for TV.
Sarah and Telv then talk about how they're in love, which is definitely the show's way of pretending they're still about lasting relationships, when we all know this show is really about sixy tixts, demons, Sean's gold jacket, Troy's relationship with Dolphy from Sea World, Jo Jo's foam thongs, Davina telling people she doesn't know them, Justin's fake ice cream machine business/boat, the failed rap duo The Perfect Storm, Tracey's sock shoes, and most importantly; marrying a stranger for no reason.
Listen to us debrief in full on our Married At First Sight podcast.