Tonight is the final dinner party and we could’ve sworn that already happened last week. This final week has been going on for more than eternity, which is a lot, on top of a show that’s been going on for 17 years now.
In all seriousness, this show refuses to end and everyone needs to go back to their jobs, including but also mostly us.
But John Aiken doesn’t have another job, so there shall be more dinner parties.
Tracey begins by announcing to no one, “This is not a decision I’m taking lightly,” which she says far too often for a woman who appears to be taking this decision very lightly.
Just when we want to yell “ENOUGH” at this entire franchise, Troy emerges, and we feel peace.
You see, Ashley’s sister has obviously sent Troy and Ashley matching hats that read, “Team TrAshley,” in a frankly hilarious attempt to troll her sister from a distance.
Troy is very excited because a cap makes him that much closer to being a rapper, but he rummages through the box to see if there is a third cap… for Dolphy.
There isn't, so Troy deals with the disappointment by exclaiming that yesterday's date was the moment of his life so far, which is absolutely a lie.
It's expert Trish and someone said she was allowed to issue advice from afar.
"Thay'll be lewking for beehavors that confirm 'yis, I want to be with this pirsin,'" she says, which is a sufficiently meaningless sentence, significantly lowering her chances of ruining people's lives.
SHHHH it's the final dinner party, and yes, Troy and Ashley are obviously the first to arrive.
It's time we acknowledged the likelihood that, yes, Troy has had the time wrong for the dinner party for the entire season now. He and Ashley are always there first, and no one wants to tell Troy he's absurdly early because they're worried about what he will do in the extra time.
A producer has suggested that they should wear their Team TrAshley hats, and Troy thinks that's probably the best idea he's ever heard because a) his cap makes him more like Dean, and b) it protects him from getting sunburnt indoors at night which has been a recurring issue.
Ashley is mad that Troy is embarrassing her but then gives in because she knows the hat will help Troy remember her name but also his own.
At this point, the experts comment that Ashley is flirting with Troy which is a truly disturbing observation of human behaviour.
As the other couples arrive, Troy asks them about how their 'ultimate date' went and no one knows why he's calling it that. Tracey tells the group that Dean bought her lots of gifts, including a bikini, and WHY THE HELL WASN'T THAT SHOWN.
A waiter emerges from the ground and announces: "Dinnar iz zarvad," and we wonder what these fake European waiters do when Married at First Sight isn't on.
When Troy sits at the table he decides that it's time to take his hat off because of "manners", and Troy pls, you weren't concerned about manners when you pulled a crocodile's tail in a nature park.
As the conversation steers towards genuine issues and complications in people's relationships, Troy suggests everyone try and approach things more like him, and think significantly less/not at all about the future. He decides now is the perfect time to share the poem he wrote for Ashley which not only rhymes Ashley with Ashley, but is also trying to be a rap. He stares at Dean while he recites it from memory, desperately seeking approval from his new best friend who shows little to no interest in him.
When he finishes, we hear him whisper under his breath, "I'm Hydrogen Bomb Troy... and I want to be part of the Perfect..."
No, Troy. You're better than the Perfect Storm.
Dean, put on the spot, says he'll take his business card, and get back to him in the coming months.
John Aiken then arrives, dropping dramatically from the roof, as psychologists often do, and tells Troy that, no, he can't swap Ashley with Dean at this late stage in the experiment.
Troy cries and throws his hat.
John Aiken explains it is time to blow some shit up because this dinner party is boring AF for the people who have to sit in a dark cupboard and watch it taking place a few metres away.
Each couple has to answer questions from 'The Honesty Box' and honestly the most pressing question that could be asked tonight is whether Dean really thinks Tracey has what it takes to be an Aussie rapper.
Mel and John are first up and they have some "really big issues" according to John Aiken, all of which are to do with the fact they got fake married to a stranger for a month on the television and now they don't know what the f*ck they're meant to do.
Sarah and Telv have identical issues made slightly more problematic by the fact that Sarah won't let Telv go back to Perth to get his belongings/say goodbye for his children.
It's Troy's turn and we have never seen John Aiken this excited. He looks like a toddler who needs to do wees.
Ashley asks him a few questions, none of which he can answer, because there is a monkey playing cymbals in his brain and he is enjoying it very much.
He admits that he a little bit, maybe, did a lie when he told Ashley he loved her, because he wanted applause from the group, and that it's hard to love her when she so viscerally and passionately hates him.
Ugh - it's Tracey's turn and she's laughing uncontrollably because Dean has to say true things which she knows he hates doing.
She asks if Dean has betrayed or deceived her in this experiment, and when he says yes, the group applauds him, but mostly Troy who just keeps repeating, "GOOD HONESTY, GOOD HONESTY," and no Troy, no celebrating betrayal, pls.
Dean asks Tracey why she chose to stay in the experiment after he cheated on her with Davina, and she says she stayed out of spite - a statement she made at the time at the commitment ceremony. "You never told me that before," he says and YES SHE DID. WE WERE LITERALLY THERE.
This show has now become about repeating things and pretending they were never said in the first place which is... terrible.
There's weird slow motion as though the end of this show is in some way emotional rather than very, very necessary and we're almost certain none of these couples are going to choose to stay together. Which is probably for the best.
UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.
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