We need to begin with a thought.
And that thought is, as always, about Troy. But also Dean.
How lucky is Dean that Troy is ALSO on this show?
If there was only a Dean… he would be getting annihilated. But up until this point, he has actually gotten away with his profound disrespect for a) all women and b) the institution of fake marriage, because Troy has been busy snorkelling in ankle-deep water and brushing his teeth like a monster.
But now, we watchin’ you Dean. We watchin’ you real close.
But, yes, we are also always watchin' Troy.
And, yeah, he is having a tantrum about his hair in public.
For Ashley's Yes week, she's decided to shut down her greatest pet peeve: Troy.
She has asked him to get a haircut to challenge his overwhelming vanity, and also to stop him from fixing it in every reflective surface he comes across. It is slowing down their lives which is frustrating.
Troy obviously responds by maintaining that he has had this hair "since I was a baby," which is, firstly, a lie, and secondly, a profoundly unsettling image.
He then laments his "dear grandmother would be devastated" if he were to sacrifice his hair because it's a gift or something but at this point he stops paying attention to the conversation because he's fixing his hair in the glass behind Ashley's head.
Ashley basically asks, "Are you... serious?" and Troy responds, "My hair means more to me than my fake wife and I'm not ashamed by that."
Over in hell, Tracey is waiting for Dean to come to bed but he is far too busy texting his new girlfriend, Davina.
He rationalises to the camera, "I'm way more attracted to Davina than Tracey," and OHHH now we understand, yes, good point - carry on.
It is now tomorrow, and Troy is explaining to Ashley that their relationship is fine because it's only her feelings that are hurt.
"We are a happy couple," Troy insists, but Ashley looks at him with an expression that can only be described as disdain, and says silently: "Yes. Except for ONE OF US."
With the second dinner party imminent, Davina is working very hard to look sexy for Deano, while also yelling at her fake husband Ryan to change his socks.
But, um, when you're semi cheating on your fake husband you're just... not allowed to police his choice of sock. That's the rule.
We finally have a close up of the texts, and yeah, we paused it.
Deano doesn't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' and as a 39-year-old 'executive creative director' he should. It's important.
The use of cliches such as "I'm on cloud nine" is problematic, and Davina says she hasn't felt this way about anyone in four years, which is oddly specific.
Meanwhile, Tracey is busy telling a camera person that "we all do stupid things" and she likes the fact she's "a forgiving person" and no. The producers are having too much fun with this and it's sad for everyone but mostly Tracey.
Ashley and Troy are the first to arrive at the dinner party, mostly because Ashley needs to bitch about Troy as soon as possible, please.
We cut to a shot of Jo and Sean on their way, with a close up of Jo blowing her nose and we just can't work out why that was included/how it's relevant to the story line, but we hope she's not getting a cold.
Ashley keeps telling Troy she needs him to be less... Troy-like... in front of other people, and expert Trish says the most important thing to remember in a relationship is that we can't change our partner.
Someone should tell Ashley that. ASAP. Because she's f*cked.
Listen: Clare and Jessie Stephens debrief about Dean and Davina at the dinner party on our Married at First Sight podcast. Post continues after audio.
Davina and Ryan have arrived, and Ryan is telling people they've had a good week.
Narrator: Ryan and Davina had not had a good week.
Davina instantly finds someone to whinge about Ryan with, but insists they "do fun well". It's not that fun to have your fake wife go on a fake date with someone else's fake husband but idk idk.
Expert Trish feels very "uneasy" watching Davina who is bizarrely attempting to befriend Tracey. Tracey says her relationship is going great and Davina is looking at her like lol no.
IT'S THE WAITER ANNOUNCING THAT DINN-R IZ SERV-AD AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ACCENT THIS IS BUT IT GETS MORE PRONOUNCED EVERY WEEK.
At the dinner table, Davina offers Tracey some water and don't drink it Tracey there's poison in it, haha kidding but also possibly seriously.
For the majority of dinner, Davina speaks exclusively to Dean and Tracey, which annoys expert Trish very much. She's never been as emotional or as vocal as she has during this exchange, and we feel like at some point Trish has been personally victimised by Davina.
In a nonsensical attempt to become better friends with the fake wife of the man she's pursuing, Davina says to Tracey, "I genuinely enjoy talking to you... I feel like you and I are very similar" and ummm yeah, they're both involved with the same man on national television so they have that in common.
After witnessing several dysfunctional relationships during dinner, Charlene comments to the camera, "it's quite funny isn't it how other peoples misfortunes make you feel better?" and yeah, that's literally the entire premise of this show.
Oh, no. Troy's making a speech because everyone egged him on as a joke, even though we're pretty sure we heard Ashley explicitly say he wasn't allowed.
He says nothing of interest and/or substance, and then Davina yells, "we love you!", to which Ashley mutters, "no we don't".
She then starts a fight, which we feel was inevitable, about how it's "always the Troy show", and why does he have to keep speaking/living/breathing when he knows it annoys her.
But PAUSE Davina is being a sneaky snake again and in the space of about five minutes she tries to convince Tracey to break up with her fake husband while also actively pursuing said fake husband in the middle of a dinner party.
All of a sudden both Davina and Dean are gone and OMG are they having sex in the bathroom - wait, no, they're just having a super repetitive conversation on a couch.
Davina says, "I feel like you and I like each other more than any one else in that room likes each other," and, um, are you implying Sean and Jo don't like each other? Because that's very presumptuous.
Dean, who always knows what to say, then comments, "No offence to Tracey, but her looks are not her best quality," and yepppp the 'no offence' did surprisingly little to make that comment less offensive.
They keep touching each other and giggling about being in "so much trouble" and how they're "such bad people" and no, legit, Australia never forgives. And someone should have warned them.
UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.
Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap below.