The day has come for Dean to break up with his fake wife Tracey (… again) and tell the experts he would like to trade her in for precisely one Davina, please.
But. There be a problem.
And that problem is that after having some good sex with Tracey last night, Dean thinks he might want to keep her.
WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
He's naked in bed which is disturbing for everyone, and there's bizarre redemptive music which just doesn't seem to adequately capture the whole 'I made fun of how my fake wife looks last night in a conversation with another man's fake wife, but now my penis changed his mind and I would like to remain with my fake wife' vibe.
Tracey tells us she has nothing to worry about, and she's got the 'old Dean back', which is a strange thing to say about a man you've known three weeks.
Speaking of solid and lasting relationships, entrepreneur Justin is sick of his partner, Carly, mostly because she isn't an ice cream machine and isn't even trying to be.
LISTEN: Clare and Jessie Stephens debrief on Dean's bizarre behaviour on the Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below.
You see, Justin thinks he is the James Packer of ice cream machines, which is ridiculous because no one is the Packer of ice cream machines.
We think the only reason he is still here is because he has not yet sold Carly or any of the experts an ice cream machine, which was his mission all along.
Over in Davina's apartment - she could not be less conflicted about blowing up two fake marriages tonight in front of a bunch of people but also the nation.
"What else can you do except for tell the truth?" she asks, and um a) not cheat on your fake husband, b) actually tell the truth, which you haven't been doing. At all.
Tonight is the Commitment Ceremony which we've literally been waiting for all our lives, where all the couples will decide if they want to stay or leave.
Davina has written 'Leave' on a piece of paper with a lil' sad face which perfectly says, "Aww soz, enjoy your tattoo of my face tho".
STOP IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONY TO START SO SHHH DOWN THE BACK.
It's Troy and Ashley's turn and Troy has brought up their fight about his hair.
He has repeated the... lie... that his hair has been a consistent length since he was a baby, and yeah, every time he says that, we will insert this meme.
The experts have no idea what to do about this abomination of a couple, and in the end they both choose to stay.
In the background, you can see Davina getting restless but also antsy because her and Dean have two marriages to ruin, thanks.
But now it's time for Jo and Sean and for some inexplicable reason, the experts have started referring to her as JoJo.
JoJo explains that yeah, she gave up her life, her kids (temporarily we... hope), and her mum gave up her job, all so she could come and meet... Sean.
So she has some goddamn QUESTIONS for Mr goddamn John Aiken that she would like ANSWERS to, pls.
She asks a little bit too loudly, "WHY SET US UP?"
"Clearly my instructions were strong, we had a big chat of what I wanted, and then this is what I got delivered."
In the background Sean mutters, "... she got this disappointment" and shut up Sean this is JoJo's moment.
The experts start scrambling. There's a lot of words like "independence", "small towns", "resilience" and "optimism" and Jesus we have nothing against Sean but have you ever seen a person who is less optimistic? Srsly. No.
JoJo feels guilty about making Sean feel bad so tells him he's not a disappointment which he doesn't believe at all.
When it's time to share whether they're going to stay or leave, Jo pretends she's going to stay and... the look of horror on Sean's face. Then she's like, 'na, jokes, I do have some level of self-awareness' and out she goes.
We miss her and we really hope none of her souvenirs from Singapore get broken in her suitcase.
Other couples... appear... and One Direction Sean has a scar on his head for no reason. But none of that matters
Because Tracey and Dean.
They sit down in front of the experts and tell them about the great sex they had last night, which is inappropriate, but also John Aiken seems very pleased.
"It meant something more..." Dean says, and then he remembers there's a thing he should probs tell Tracey and holy shit.
He explains that, yeah, him and Davina met up for a drink and it all "started off pretty innocently" (no it didn't) and he realised that, yeah, there was some attraction there, and no.
Apparently Davina said she was into him, which isn't quite how we remember it, and EVERYONE PAUSE DAVINA HAS SOMETHING TO ADD.
You can listen to the full episode of the Married at First Sight recap podcast, here. Post continues below.
She would like to remind Dean that he was planning on leaving Tracey, said they had no spark, and was planning on doing home visits with her at such recent times such as... last night.
We hear a quiet voice in the background utter the words, "What was I gonna do?"
It's Ryan and it would be an understatement to say literally no one has considered him in this scenario.
If you listen closely you can hear him whisper, "My wife did a what with whom?"
Dean continues to justify that it was obviously very important for him to "give Tracey and I's relationship the respect that it deserves," and he thinks his attraction to Davina is "more of a superficial thing".
The... levels of... hypocrisy... are too astounding... to put into words. But also, Dean is just very confused as to why on earth Davina would think he would be interested in her, after he met up with her twice, said he wanted to leave Tracey, and made fun of her... face.
Dean says that spending time with Davina at the cocktail party made him "really appreciate" what he has with Tracey, and quite frankly, it's bizarre that Davina can't just understand that.
Now Tracey is doing a cry, and says that before she knew about Davina, she had chosen to stay.
And you know who has some thoughts?
Nasser. But also Sarah.
"I feel like he's a player," Sarah yells, and Nasser adds, "I'm upset too! I got morals and respect for all of these beautiful women... And he's played you and he's played her."
John Aiken interrupts to say, "Please guys, can we let Tracey make a bad decision? It makes for excellent television," and finally they agree.
Tracey and Dean are allowed to go off and make their decision, and she says, "I have doubts," which is the understatement of the series.
Next up is Davina and Ryan, and Davina is heartbroken but it is, um, really hard to feel sorry for her right now.
John Aiken asks if she thinks what they did was inappropriate, and she says it was "nice", while sitting next to her fake husband who up until right now had no idea what was happening.
"I don't want to sacrifice my own happiness just to make other people happy," she says, and yeah... we know.
The experts then make them REVEAL THEIR DECISIONS, even though Ryan only found out four minutes ago that his fake wife had been off canoodling with another man. WHY DOES TRACEY GET TIME TO RECONSIDER AND RYAN DOESN'T. NO ONE CARES ABOUT RYAN AND WHY.
He chose stay and now he wants to die.
Davina obviously chose to leave but, pls, we know the rules.
When Tracey and Dean return, Tracey shares that she has decided to stay and what are the experts here for if not to save Tracey from herself.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.