A wise person once said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”
It would seem that person was referring explicitly to Married at First Sight.
You see, this experiment is… how shall we put this nicely… flawed in every sense of the word and the greatest scientific failure of the 21st century. Over the last three years we’ve watched a frankly absurd number of people get fake married AND FOR WHY?
Of the 23 couples to be matched by the experts, 22 have failed.
We don’t… like those odds.
But you know who does like those odds?
Yes. Dr Trisha Stratford.
But we shan't let basic mathematics or scientific theory get in the way of the best show on television.
We're told 5,000 Australians applied to be on this season of Married at First Sight which sounds like a lie but okay. One woman says through tears that she never thought she'd be "nearly 40 with nobody and nothing to show" and she seems to have conflated two very separate things but no one corrects her.
The experts begin with 38-year-old Sarah, who a few years ago was engaged and pregnant with twins. Her fiance left her, and soon after she miscarried both babies. Trisha describes her as "emotionally very vulnerable," but then adds that her "biological click is ticking" which feels particularly unhelpful at this time.
At this point, John Aiken draws her future fake husband from a hat, and we meet a man who is not white, and therefore has his name offensively mispronounced for the next hour.
Telf, or Talf, or Telve has a kind face and we feel satisfied.
EXPERT MATCH ONE: Sarah and Telv
- Both (allegedly) single.
- Both willing to go on television to find love.
- Sarah lives in Melbourne and Telv lives in Western Australia and you would be hard pressed to find people who are geographically further from each other.
- Have never met.
LISTEN: We debrief on EVERYTHING from the first episode of Married At First Sight. But mostly Misogynistic Dean. Post continues after audio.
It's Dean. The guy from the ads who says he wants his woman to do an obey of him always. Cool.
Dean is very much an alpha-male and wants a 'traditional' relationship (lol). We know this because he runs a business and says things like, "I'M GOING TO NEED YOU. ALL WEEK. ON POINT," and we're pretty sure running a business consists of more than just telling your employees that they have to... come? To work?
Anywho, point is that Dean wants one thing: a womb. And that's okay (it's not okay).
Dr Trisha interrupts and says "He wants to find a lifelong partner," which Dean literally never said.
Luckily, the experts find a Tracey who is nice enough and has a daughter. We're also shown footage of her having botox injected into her face and talking about having her boobs done because these details are crucial to who she is as a person.
EXPERT MATCH TWO: Tracey and Dean
- Dean likes brunettes; Tracey is brunette.
- Dean wants womb; Tracey has womb.
- Dean hasn't expressed interest in dating a real-life human woman.
- Matched by experts with a poor track record.
The couples get to work telling everyone they've ever met that they're getting fake married to a stranger. There's tension because Sarah's brothers think this whole getting-married-to-a-stranger-on-the-television-thing is a bad life choice and like... obviously. Sarah's friend comforts her by saying, "You're going to have people who think it's silly..." and we personally have no idea what she's talking about.
Tracey won't stop crying, at which point we yell at the television NO ONE IS GOING TO FIND LOVE IF WE DON'T STOP CRYING, OK?
And now it's time for the weddings, pls.
Sarah's brothers think this whole getting-married-to-a-stranger-on-the-television-thing is a bad life choice and like... obviously. But Sarah doesn't give AF, and turns up at the altar to find a very nervous Telv, who only moments ago waved at the camera which he most definitely was told not to do.
Telv likes Sarah because she's curvy. Sarah approves of Telv's face. Fin.
Over at Tracey and Dean's wedding, Tracey says to the camera, "I'm hoping the experts have it right!" and oh, honey no.
Dean just wants someone with "a good rig", and when he sees Tracey he is very pleased, particularly with her "chestal area".
They are very attracted to each other, and when the celebrant invites them to kiss they pretty much have anal sex at the altar which feels far too full on in our opinion.
BUT THERE IS A COMPLICATION.
Dean's 'friend' Liam was flown in from LA purely to start shit. He discovers that Tracey has a daughter but hasn't told Dean in the 11 minutes they've been married and this is the ultimate act of betrayal. Because their marriage is based on lies but also deceit.
Liam keeps doing a sneak, and eventually grabs Tracey on the dance floor (quite roughly tbh) and whispers something in her ear about 'truth' and 'trust' and 'the producer's put me up to this'.
Eventually Tracey tells Dean and he says he's "shocked" but then Tracey brings up eating some cake and he's keen.
There's also tension at Sarah and Telv's wedding, except not at all. Suspenseful music plays every time Sarah's brothers are around because what if they don't like Telv and won't hand over the woman they own to be owned by another man?
But turns out they also like Telv's face and he's allowed to own their sister.
We're left wondering who's going to have sex on their fake wedding night and our money is on everyone.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight podcast recap, below.
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