We open with a comprehensive recap of last night’s commitment ceremony and NO.
We were there because we are always there, and tbh, hardly anything happened. We simply do not have the time to re-watch scenes we saw less than 24 hours ago when we know you have scenes of Troy talking to a pole that you are not showing us.
Speaking of Troy, Ashley’s still mad at him because he won’t stop being so… Troy. He explains that Sarah and Telv had a falling out and they bounced back, so maybe he and Ashley can too. The problem, however, is that when Sarah and Telv were fighting it was over one specific incident, not the fact that one half of their relationship was broken.
In order to unnecessarily extend this show, the experts have decided to pair a person from each couple with someone from another couple, because a great way to improve any relationship is to seek outside advice from a person who a) doesn't have any genuine investment in your life and/or happiness, and b) could be Troy.
When a letter arrives explaining this next phase of the experiment, Troy reads it aloud to Ashley but increasingly starts to yell. She asks him why he's yelling and he doesn't know.
Over in Tracey and Dean's apartment, Tracey's laughing about Dean being paired with Charlene and why. Literally the entire reason there's tension between Dean and Charlene is because Charlene's been standing up for Tracey/women in general, so it's not that... funny.
Tracey has been paired with Telv who straight up says he's an excellent judge of character and "there's just something not right" with Dean. But Tracey insists that she's very impressed with how Dean has owned up to his mistakes, such as the time last week when he said disrespectful things about her behind her back and still hasn't owned up to it.
In an absurdly dark bar, Charlene is challenging Dean about the fact that he was going to leave Tracey for Davina in legit like week two of this experiment.
We debrief on the most frustrating episode of reality television ever to grace our screens, on our Married At First Sight recap podcast. Post continues after.
Dean explains that firstly, he didn't have sex with Davina, which he deserves a prize for, and secondly, lots of couples overcome far bigger issues than a silly lil textin' scandal that just so happened to air on national television. Charlene points out that it usually takes more than two weeks for such issues to emerge, but Dean is confused because he's already explained that Davina's hot so he can't compute why Charlene is still talking.
During Dean and Charlene's conversation, the producers contrast Dean making such comments as "I never said I was vibing with Carly, that's a lie" with footage of him at the boiz night announcing to the group that he's been "vibing with Carly".
On the one hand, it makes for excellent television because we very much like to know when someone's been lyin', but on the other hand, if anyone on this show was genuinely invested in the wellbeing of the people in these relationships someone would probably show Tracey before they showed the rest of Australia ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Troy's been paired with Mel and while she was definitely chosen for her ability to... handle him... we're scared about Troy being with anyone unsupervised.
Immediately, Troy tells her how good she looks, which is fine if not entirely irrelevant. But when Mel starts talking about her relationship with John, Troy says he thinks he could've been matched with her and they would've had so much fun and NO TROY.
We don't see much from Troy and Mel after that and we think it's because he was escorted off the premises and back to his... cell.
Back in Dean and Tracey's apartment, Tracey is very supportive of how Dean stood up against Charlene when she was trying to get him to respect Tracey.
Charlene is pissed because Dean criticised her for not having sex with Patrick, so she says a little too loudly 'PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES'. But, um, literally the entire exercise was about people in horrible, horrible homes throwing grenades at other people's stanky houses because no one, and we mean no one on this show should be offering any type of relationship advice. Even the experts. Actually, especially the experts.
Now the producers have decided every couple needs to go on a fancy date AND NONE OF THIS EPISODE IS AT ALL RELEVANT TO THIS STUPID EXPERIMENT.
THIS IS ALL FILLER AND IF WE WANTED TO WATCH PEOPLE GO ON SEA PLANES AND HOLD HANDS WE WOULD JUST WATCH THE BACHELOR WHICH WE OBVIOUSLY INTEND TO DO AS SOON AS IT COMES BACK ON TV.
Telv gives Sarah earrings, with a frankly absurd level of product placement, and then they have a fight about moving in together which is resolved because for some reason they're grown adults who are able to communicate.
Charlene doesn't want to have sex with Patrick so just starts yelling at him to MAN UP which seems like it won't really fix the problem but okay.
Just when we think the intense conversations/forced romance is over, Telv takes his pants off and we see his bum very close up. It's unnecessary.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.