We open with Davina and Dean discussing their catch up, which has been ‘tomorrow’ for like eight days now, and we – personally – are tired of waiting.
Dean says that he and Tracey have issues, most notably that Dean would like to be with Davina instead, pls.
Davina is also sick of Ryan, which she kindly lets him know by ENCOURAGING HIM TO GET A TATTOO OF HER FACE. While watching him get a tattoo, she decides she’d like one too, so suggests they get matching love hearts as a permanent reminder of how ambivalent she feels towards him.
While Ryan is getting the love heart, Davina is locked in a small room by producers, and yells “There’s not a romantic connection” a little too loudly.
Davina just got a message. From Deano. About their meet up.
“He actually gives me butterflies,” she exclaims, as though she expects the response to be “awww babe, good for you!”
But that is not our response.
She makes a variety of facial expressions to convey her excitement and we are NOT here for it, but we also very much are. From a distance. With our judgin’ hats on.
Meanwhile, in a relationship that isn’t built on lies (as far as we know… yet), it’s Yes week for Nasser even though every week is Yes week for Nasser.
The experts wanted to see what he would do ‘given the power’, and look, Gab is in an evening dress vacuuming the house so… yeah.
After a big day of cleaning, Nasser hands Gab a glass of wine and says, “And you say Nasser doesn’t look after me!”
But no one would ever say that Nasser… Not ever.
ASHLEY HAS MISPLACED TROY, PLS.
She correctly predicts, however, that he is “literally probably taking photos of himself on the Go Pro,” and in one of the most sophisticated editing compiles of modern history, we are then shown excessive footage of Troy snorkelling, and just filming… himself. And also his face. But also his body.
That’s not what you’re… meant… you should film… what about the fish.
But alas, Troy is fixing his hair under the water and filming it and we think he might actually swim into a shark because of how oblivious he is to his own surroundings.
Except that won’t happen. Because as it turns out, he’s snorkelling in ankle deep water. Again. We’ve been through this Troy.
Why are you like this.
LISTEN: We created a segment in our MAFS podcast just about Troy. This is our first instalment. Post continues after audio.
Mel has broken the washing machine in her apartment and that’s okay, so she tells John they’re going to do a portrait painting session in the park.
There’s a lot of giggling but when it comes time to show each other their portraits… no.
John’s portrait of Mel is the worst thing we’ve ever seen and thank God Deb never made him do a portrait because she would have done a lot of yelling.
Also Deb would have painted a Polynesian which would have been hurtful for John.
Mel is laughing but it’s actually not funny. John didn’t give her a face, it’s just floating eyes with black eyebrows and orange cheeks but also orange ears.
She encourages him to give her a chin, and he responds by painting a love heart in the corner, but that’s not a chin, John.
This was always going to be a terrible idea.
Speaking of terrible ideas, Jo has shown up to Sean’s apartment demanding he cook her dinner, even though he no longer wears his fake wedding ring or looks in her direction.
After a harrowing period of silence, Sean presents what is, to be honest, a very average looking meal, and exclaims ENTREE SIVOLPLAI.
It’s at this point we notice Sean often says things in other languages, such as when he always greets Jo by saying ‘Aloha’.
Sean says a thing to Jo and her bar has become so low that she believes the night is going well.
"I haven't really laughed with anyone like I do with Sean,” she says, and a) we’ve never heard anyone laugh, b) he’s not even speaking English, and c) that’s super offensive to your best friend Karen, who makes you laugh at all times.
Alycia and Matt have decided to give each other space but to be honest, it’s super hard to be invested in a story line you don’t understand.
They meet up and Matt explains that he has some issues he needs to sort out, like why he ever went on this show and why he thought getting fake married to a stranger on national television would actually result in anything… good.
“I don’t see the point in letting this go on,” he says, which is a statement that is true for literally every couple.
He chooses to leave, showing a complete disregard for the rules but also the institution of fake marriage.
John Aiken is going to be real mad.
In Sarah and Telv’s relationship, everything is fine. Except it’s not fine. Because a producer has gone and downloaded dating apps on Telv’s phone when he wasn’t looking, and has now made Sarah find them.
Telv says he didn’t know they were there, likely because they weren’t until ten minutes ago, and says he will delete them.
Later that night, Telv decides to make it up to Sarah by cooking her spaghetti basciola naked and yes we think that’s probably a good idea.
There are one too many extreme close ups of Telv’s butt and Sarah says she doesn’t want him to burn his noodle, which is important.
They bond and Telv gets a shock when he sits down because the chair is very cold.
Eugh. Troy went rock climbing and wore jeans. He says it doesn’t matter as long as you look good and that is a lie.
Troy says he doesn’t know what he has to do to impress Ashley, and we think it might be to not be Troy. But also to not wear jeans to exercise.
When it’s Troy’s turn he grunts a lot which makes us feel uncomfortable and also isn’t nearly as good as Ashley, which he blames on a technical fault with his hands.
In Carly and Justin’s apartment, Justin is on a fake business call saying “it's middle east regional pricing” and omg no one wants your ice cream machines.
He repeats that he wants to be semi-retired by 45, and that he “wants to be Packer” but no. Packer doesn’t do ice cream.
It’s the goddamn sneaky snake meet up and Davina is wearing a leather jacket but hasn’t put her arms through the arm holes.
There’s like seven cheers’ because it turns out they have literally nothing to talk about, and Dean says Davina has a wild side but we’re pretty sure he’s just talking about her tattoos and also her complete disregard for people and their feelings.
“I’m excited about me and Davina. You can't blame me for wanting to explore that,” Dean tells the camera, and, um, yeah we can.
Oh Jesus. Tracey has met up with Gab and is telling her she “feels respected” and also that Dean “deserves me to be 100% committed” which… no. No he doesn’t.
She also tells Gab about how Dean remembered her coffee order and Gab says, “Oh my God I have goosebumps,” AND THE BAR IS OFFICIALLY ON THE FLOOR.
Anywho, Dean and Davina continue to talk about nothing, and Davina’s saying weird stuff about how she wants to dress up nicely for him with heels and shit and what is going on.
Dean has come to realise that “Tracey’s not going to be happy about this,” and nah we’re pretty sure she will be.
When he returns home, Tracey has left him a list of things to do as part of Yes week, and Dean doesn’t have time to do them all because he was very busy with another chick and can’t use that as an excuse, aye Dean.
Tracey is happy, though, because Dean DID do a few things, and: “I can’t ask for more than that!”
Oh… but you can.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to us debrief on ALL the ridiculous talking points from tonight's episode on our MAFS Chat podcast.