Justin is wearing first class Qantas pyjamas and he hasn’t said anything yet but shut up.
For some reason he insists on sleeping with a fort of pillows between he and his fake wife, which begs the question: Why get fake married? If you’re not gonna spoon your fake wife? On your fake honeymoon?
But, pause.
There's one more couple and holy sh*t we shan't sit through another wedding. We shan't.
Sean's had over 200 sexual partners, which isn't a question anyone asked. He looks like someone, but also everyone from One Direction and at this stage of the 'experiment' even John Aiken is asking, "Why Married at First Sight?"
Seriously though. Why? This is a terrible idea. We can show you the stats. We have them.
He is matched with Blair who inexplicably introduces herself as 'Blair Rachel' and then never brings it up again. Expert Trish says with a cheeky grin that Blair likes a lot of sex and that Sean will be happy and honestly these experts need to be let out of this room.
MATCH NUMBER 50 TOO MANY: Blair and Sean.
Pros:
- Both like sex.
- Both have been cheated on.
- No more weddings thank f*ck.
Cons:
- Don't know each other.
- Everything.
- Why are there 11 couples it's literally the stupidest thing we've ever heard.
Blair is anxious before her fake wedding and, we know Blair. We know. We just can't go through this again.
Listen: We debrief on the best parts of Sean and Blair's wedding, on our Married At First Sight podcast. Post continues after audio.
They get married and it's fine, apart from the fact that Blair decides she's nervous about telling Sean she's been married before. This is ridiculous, for two reasons.
- She has a tattoo on her arm that literally says:
WifeyBurgers For Lifey, which you would think would give it away immediately, and - Are you... are you worried he sees marriage as something sacred? And not something you do on national television to a stranger for no reason?
We think he won't... mind.
STOP.
Troy is on his honeymoon in Western Australia because he definitely isn't allowed to leave the country.
He is watching Ashley while she sleeps because of course he is, before eventually getting up and shaving his chest in much the same way as he brushes his teeth; violently.
Troy then forces Ashley out of bed because he is hungry and starts taking selfies outside which is uncomfortable to watch.
Then, as soon as she is ready, Troy makes Ashley wait outside while he does push ups for absolutely no reason.
When he returns Ashley asks, "On a scale of one to 10, was that necessary?" which is the greatest question anyone has asked thus far on the show. He replies, "You'll see" which doesn't answer the question at all.
They go to a wildlife sanctuary with crocodiles and Troy assures his fake wife, "It's alright baby I've got you," despite the fact she is far more terrified of him than she is of any crocodile.
But it isn't the time to have that conversation, because Troy is making a joke about the crocodile around his neck being a scarf and he ISN'T BEING GENTLE ENOUGH. This guy should never have been trusted with wildlife he is trying to stir it up.
The wildlife staff are getting antsy because Troy is definitely about to get bitten, so they give Ashley the crocodile instead.
At this point, Troy starts pulling its tail and are you... actually for serious right now? Why are you hurting the animals? You literally had one job and it was don't pull their tail.
Over on Justin and Carly's honeymoon, Justin has lost his wedding ring and is behaving exactly like Kim in that episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians where she loses her earring in Bora Bora.
Except they're not in Bora Bora. They're in Vanuatu, and Justin is mostly there to sell the locals his ice cream machines.
Carly is mad, because every time she and Justin sit down for dinner or go out, he starts propositioning people. "I'm a nice guy you know, tell me what you want and I'll do it," he says, and ummm no one should have to tell you not to sell your ice cream machines to the hotel on your honeymoon. No one.
IT'S TROY AGAIN and he is patting Ashley's hair like a dog except more patronising.
He then explains to the camera that Ashley tends to get distracted quite easily, so he finds that eye contact helps her focus and calm her down, but literally if anyone needs to calm down it's Troy.
While gazing at her Troy says, "... straight from your mother's eyes" and we're worried about what Troy will do if left alone with Ashley's eyes.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle and Nasser have been together for a decade and that is a fact. No couple has ever been so happy.
They are dancing and swimming and kissing and Gab is worried about telling Nasser about her alopecia, especially given that most of his compliments are hair related.
Mysteriously, the HONEYMOON QUESTION BOX appears on their table, and we just know the first question is going to be: 'Do you, or do you not, have alopecia?'
Experts, pls.
But John Aiken has decided to be more subtle and ask 'Wut u hidin' Gab,' leaving her no choice but to tell Nasser about her condition. Of course, Nasser is not fussed, because he already loves Gab unconditionally.
John and Mel also had a honeymoon, and Mel brought up Deb, which was uncomfortable. There are also flashbacks to John's honeymoon with Deb which is traumatising for everyone, but mostly us.
UNTIL THURSDAY NIGHT.
Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: There’s a millionaire who’s in for a shock.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: The man who just stumped Australia.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "You make me feel sick."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: There is one VERY disappointed mother-in-law.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Tracey has a ‘secret’.
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