TROY. HOW WE’VE MISSED YOU.
Have you been eating strange things? And always getting a little bit too close? Have you been thinking about Dolphy, the dolphin you met on the Gold Coast?
We thought so.
It's time for the remaining three couples to separate for a week and decide whether or not they will stay fake married, which, just to be clear, is a decision that bears surprisingly little consequence on anyone's lives. Most of all ours.
"I'll be missing you and thinking about you all the time," Troy yells far too loudly at Ashley as she's leaving, but she's already entered a reality in which Troy does not exist, so chooses not to respond.
She tells the camera, "I've spent the last eight weeks with Troy," and holy sh*t when you put it like that it's so messed up we're so sorry.
Sarah and Telv are also separating for a week but they've been having a nonsensical fight for a few weeks now and we're having none of it.
But that doesn't matter.
We debrief on the VERY harsh realisation Troy came to in tonight's show. Post continues after audio.
What matters is that Troy's bedspread is bright orange and why do we feel like we already knew that.
Troy's brushing his teeth again and we've realised something.
The reason it looks so weird is because he's not brushing his teeth at all. He's brushing his mouth.
He aggressively jabs at his gums, then the roof of his mouth, before moving onto his cheeks and then under the tongue, all while avoiding his actual... teeths.
Because, of course, in between his teeth is tuna and he wants to save it for later. Troy is nothing if not resourceful.
Over at Ashley's place, she's wondering why she's never had a spark with Troy and GOODNESS WHY EVER NOT.
Oh. We forgot about John.
He's eating takeaway pizza in his lounge room by himself and pls someone marry him it's so sad. He ordered some weird creamy looking thing to go with his pizza and we don't know what it is, and the only people who order it are single dads who don't understand the menu. He says he doesn't want to be alone as an old man and STOP we just came here for the guy who brushes his teeth weird.
At her home, which by all reports is less than an hour away, Mel is worried about having a long distance relationship, and we're sorry but... no.
Over at Troy's parents house, he's asking them for relationship advice but we're distracted because a dog crawls up onto his lap and we just know that isn't your dog, Troy. Where did you find it? You have to give him back he isn't yours to keep.
He tells his parents about how Ashley doesn't have butterflies/won't let him touch her/wants to be away from him always and his mum looks at him blankly and basically says: "Oh, um, sweetie, I think she most definitely doesn't like you. Like, at all."
Troy's dad agrees.
Troy does not understand, so tells the camera that he is definitely the whole package and then walks off to steal someone else's dog.
Over in Melbourne, Sarah is very hurt given her fake husband won't move to Melbourne immediately.
Telv would like to formerly resign from his job, farewell his children, pack his laptop and a few pairs of underwear etc before he leaves Perth, rather than just DISAPPEAR FROM EVERYONE HE HAS EVER KNOWN AND BE DECLARED A MISSING PERSON.
Sarah consults her two brothers, and it's at this point we realise one of them communicates exclusively in smiles and we like it very much.
In the Gold Coast, Ashley's sister has decided to stage an intervention and tell her she's a bit of a cranky bitch, particularly to Troy.
Ashley's hurt but she's also thinking: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MARRY A TROY. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
It's time for everyone to make their decisions and, look.
Every time we see John and Mel, we're reminded that, yes, they seem lovely, but goddamn they be borin'. Tonight, we learn that they're even more boring in slow motion.
John decides to stay with Mel, and after an unnecessarily suspenseful set of vows, Mel also chooses to stay with John.
STOP IT'S TROY and we feel like since his mum went rogue and told him his fake wife definitely hates him, he's realised some things.
Slowly, he's started to piece together the puzzle. Ashley always wanted her distance. She was incessantly... yelling at him. She tried to make him cut off all his hair and she never wanted to wear matching outfits.
TROY HAS JUST REALISED ASHLEY HATES HIM. And he's... oddly fine with it.
He does what any self-respecting person would do, and breaks up with Ashley before she can break up with him.
Impressively, unlike his wedding vows, these vows aren't stolen from Tumblr. "Ashley I said I love you on many occasions because I thought I did," he says. "But now I realise it was me trying to believe we had something more than we did."
Ummm... yeah no shit Troy.
Ashley then asks if she can have her turn to break up with Troy, and like an idiot, he says yes.
It's unnecessary, but also this relationship couldn't have ended with Troy having the upper hand.
He is ultimately left in the forest, surrounded by dozens of candles sitting on wood. We're terrified because we know he will a) fall and create a fire, b) start playing with the flames and burn himself, before falling and starting a fire, or c) fiddle with a leaf, set it alight, and throw it back into the forest, causing a fire.
Luckily, he is quickly escorted off the premises by a producer who has five words written on his hand: TROY IS A FIRE HAZARD.
We're left with Telv and Sarah, and we're so confused about who's mad at who but surely someone's going to dump someone.
Turns out, after what feels like hours of unnecessary tension, they both choose to stay together, and are madly in love.
Now all that's left is to see Davina be bizarrely mean to Tracey when she's the one who flirted with her husband.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.