Ashley and Troy have been given a DVD pls and Troy definitely doesn’t know what he’s meant to do with it so places it carefully in the oven and presses ‘on’.
Ashley salvages it, and follows the explicit instructions that say to put it in the DVD player.
We want it to be footage from BOIZ night, but instead it’s their stupid wedding video ffs and WE WERE THERE WE SEEN’T IT.
But Troy cannot at all handle that he is on the television. He keeps pointing at himself and yelling “That guy up there is ME. That’s ME,” and he doesn’t at all understand how he can be sitting on the lounge but also in the square box in front of him, at the same time.
Ashley, however, is less excited because she understands the logistics of a video. She feels nostalgic because she remembers when she experienced emotions like ‘hope’ and ‘joy’, but now she’s just chasing Troy around taking household items out of the oven.
"It was my fairytale wedding," she reflects, and Troy says, "we can do it again," and Ashley's face says a firm "f*ck no never" and, yes, well, that's settled.
Over at Dean and Tracey's apartment, Dean says aggressively, "I've got a very big day planned... very romantic," and we don't want to... go.
Tracey is very impressed at how well Dean can keep a secret, and he says that comes in handy when he's doing a cheat and doesn't want her to know about it.
They watch their wedding video together, and Tracey cries because she remembers how Dean explicitly promised during their vows to be loyal/honest/respectful etc., yet it took him nearly three weeks to come clean about actually being a white rapper named Visionz who doesn't at all know how to tie his shoelaces on his own.
It's Troy, and he is explaining that his date with Ashley will "finish up in the sky where we belong," and no who told Troy he was a bird? He's very impressionable and we must be careful.
Their date is in the Northern Beaches, and begins with a ride on a seaplane where Troy takes up-close pictures of Ashley without her permission.
But we all know this date isn't about Ashley.
Troy's being PARTICULARLY strange tonight and we need to talk about it. Post continues after audio.
It's about Troy trying to find his dolphin friend, Dolphy, who he met at Sea World a few weeks ago. He misses him, so asked to meet him here, but the water in the Sea World enclosure does not at all meet beaches in Sydney and we're just worried about what he's going to do when he realises that.
When they're done in the plane, Troy dives into the ocean, in a desperate bid to find Dolphy. But it's no use. He then tries to swim with Ashley but her go-to line is "get out of it" and it's moments like this he misses Dolphy the most.
Meanwhile, Dean has taken Tracey to the Hawkesbury River and is wearing a backpack that makes him look precisely 12 years old. They're also wearing matching shoes because they think they look good when they perform on stage as The Perfect Storm.
Dean presents Tracey with a beautiful boat, but within seconds a random man emerges from below deck and. Oh. Is this. His boat? You can't just... spot a boat... and get on it.
But Dean doesn't understand, so a producer gently leads the boat owner into a van with tinted windows. It's Dean's turn now.
It becomes very clear that Tracey and Dean think they're on The Bachelor which is awkward for everyone because Dean is not at all a bachelor that anyone wants. He keeps trying to do a kind face, where he smiles with a) no teeth and b) his eyes, and it looks painfully unnatural.
Dean then announces he has something for Tracey, and she says, "I luv gewd supises!" which is very odd because we like bad surprises very much.
He then tells the camera that Tracey "brings out the best in me" which is the scariest thing we've heard in 2018.
But that's not all. He also gifts Tracey a white jumpsuit and holy NO. That's a terrible present but also a bad surprise and why isn't Tracey more mad.
She then changes into it, and the camera conveniently only films her top half because we just know it's eight centimetres too short at the ankles and has likely ripped at the back for no reason.
Tracey's sh*tty that she has to wear this awful white jumpsuit, a colour THAT SHE HAS NOT WORN ONE TIME in the last five weeks, so brings up the Davina situation in the hopes she can yell a lil' bit.
Dean says he doesn't know where this is coming from and it wasn't cheating and Tracey honestly just f*cking hates that jumpsuit.
Speaking of hate, Troy is massaging Ashley's stomach and she jokes that he knows how to "push her buttons".
"Yeeee I know how to push your buttons," he says and NO TROY. Ashley is a human woman and doesn't have any buttons. Not one button. He spends the next hour searching for her button and Ashley asks a producer to temporarily restrain him.
When he is finally let go again, he takes Ashley to a new spot where they get serenaded by a homeless man with a guitar. Too many weird things happen in quick succession, so we're just going to list them:
- Troy is suddenly very sunburnt on a strange spot on his chest and we just know it happened while he was sleeping because nothing in Troy's world makes sense.
- He reads Ashley a card which appears to rhyme perfectly by accident, and we think he's trying to rap like his new friend Dean.
- He pops a champagne cork and watches as it lands in the ocean. Can you... not pollute? That cork probably landed in Dolphy's blow hole, Troy.
- Troy says he wants to put his "heart on the table" which is the wrong analogy and now we feel like he's really going to put his heart on a table and ENOUGH.
- Ashley appears to be kissing him voluntarily and nope we're done.
Dean is busy explaining how children ought to be raised pretty much exclusively by their mother, who should stay in the home while he goes out and... raps, and WHO the hell decided to play romantic music in the background of this scene?
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast.