We open with a producer who is pretty much in bed with Sarah and Telv yelling, “DID YOU DO SEX LAST NIGHT? OR NAH? OR LIL’ BIT?”.
Everyone needs to chill because it’s 7:30 on a week night. They had some cake which I’m sure we can all agree is superior to sex in every way.
We have some concerns.
LISTEN: We debrief on the biggest talking points from tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight. Post continues below.
Last night went a little too… well. Neither couple seemed repulsed by each other, which is making us suspicious. Something is going down tonight, and we’re ready with snacks.
First, we meet Matthew.
He thinks he’s a bit of a larrikin, which we think might be code for calling women’s breasts “honkers.” But he is a man of many shades, evidenced by his fake crying on the lounge while holding a cover of The Notebook.
Matthew is matched with a woman named Alycia who has been planning her wedding for years. Which is sad. Because now all her dreams are about to be ruined. On the television.
EXPERT MATCH THREE: Alycia and Matthew
- They both appear to speak the same language. Which is good for communication.
- Alycia wants to get married and Matt has also agreed to get married.
- Alycia wants her wedding to be... good.
- YOU CAN'T MATCH STRANGERS FFS.
Next we have... oh. Oh. We have a Jo.
Jo is... a lot.
She's a single mother and all she wants is for someone to ask how her day was, and watch an unspecified 'sport' with her.
"I like to watch sports," he says. And Jesus that's just not at all enough to build a marriage for life.
EXPERT MATCH FOUR: Jo and Sean
- A single common interest (unspecified sport).
- You can't use science to match people.
IT'S TIME FOR SOME FAKE WEDDINGS - but first Jo is yelling "DIAMINTIEZ! I WANT DIAMINTIEZ!" and this is Married at First Sight at it's best.
Jo also has a Karen - the best friend everyone needs, but none of us deserve. When she sees Jo in her wedding dress she cries real tears and why is Jo marrying Sean when she should be marrying Karen.
Karen presents Jo with... how shall we put this... the most offensive footwear we have ever seen in all our lives. They appear to be made out of white... foam... and read 'Bride'. Karen. Pls.
Meanwhile, Sean is staring at a wall saying nothing, clearly having a panic attack. At one stage he says, "I definitely didn't imagine getting married like this," and YOU CHOSE THIS SEAN.
Matt, on the other hand, has been told explicitly by producers to "act relaxed", so he's doing strange things like wiping down an already spotless bench, and drinking a beer except not really because it's 9am.
Meanwhile, a producer is switching his normal-sized pants with smaller pants, in the hopes that Matt will have to turn up at his own wedding pantless.
But surprisingly Matt has more dignity than that and heads to the pants shop on his way to the ceremony.
No one has, however, told Alycia who is currently walking down the aisle LIKE AN IDIOT, that her future husband is busy with a pants-related incident.
Instead, they will have her believe that she is, in fact, so unloveable, that a man who has not yet met her has refused to marry her.
And nobody is more pissed off than Matt's mum who you can just tell is texting him with stuff like: "Are you fkn srs right now? Y so l8?"
Eventually Matt arrives and they get fake married etc.
Over in Jo's horse-drawn carriage, she's saying to her two children: "We're all excited! Aren't we!"
But the children were not excited.
They were confused. By the fact that mummy is marrying a stranger. By all the cameras. But mostly, by mummy's shoes.
As Jo approaches her wedding, after approximately six hours on the horse and carriage, Sean looks like he's going to be sick.
We will never, ever understand why he signed up for this.
When he sees Jo he takes a long, deep breath and says, "Shit".
Oh, um. Cool.
She reaches the altar and tries to make small talk but he isn't having it. Sean refuses to speak to her even though there is NO ONE ELSE there and they are about to get fake married.
But Jo will not be deterred. She has decided she loves Sean. Unconditionally. And that's okay.
They kiss and we don't want to watch this anymore as it's getting in the way of us DYING.
What follows is perhaps the most painful wedding reception we've ever witnessed. Jo keeps yelling things like, "ding, ding, ding," "winning", and "jackpot" and at one point she refers to her vegetables as "green shit". Which would all be fine. If Sean wasn't... staring at her with disdain the whole time.
Jo says it was the best day of her life and keeps high-fiving people who didn't ask for it. Sean says there's no spark.
It's matches like this that remind us how cruel this show is. It can ruin people and we don't want Jo to be ruined.
Over at Matt and Alycia's wedding they're getting along really well. And it's... fine.
Back at the hotel, Jo asks for Sean's help taking off her dress. At one point we're certain he does it up tighter and NO WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.
By the end of the night, Sean has given in to his fate, and decided feelings are overrated anyway.
Just like in every fairy tale.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to us unpack the most hilarious moments from tonight's episode on the MAFS chat podcast.
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