We open with a compelling defence of boiz night, by feminist leader and activist, Dean Wells.
“MEN WHEN WE GET AROUND OTHER MEN THAT’S OUR TIME TO LET LOOSE,” he yells at the camera.
He explains that boiz night is about BOIZ bein’ BOIZ and no he won’t apologise for that and also women should shut up and get in the kitchen and can someone pls make him a sandwich now, all this yelling is making him hungry.
“I respect all women in the group,” he concludes, before muttering under his breath, “… especially that Davina chick lol she was hot AF I liked her tight dresses…I wonder what she’s up to I’m gonna send her a sixy tixt…”
Meanwhile, Troy looks like a guilty eight-year-old because he tried to act cool in front of his friends at the boiz night by talking about Ashley's mum being hot. When Nasser brought the conversation up in front of the group, Troy attempted to fist bump Ashley and she's wanted to violently murder him ever since.
To try to ease tensions, Troy tells her "don't be mad, you're stunning," and no honestly it's important someone works out what is wrong with this man.
As the couples contemplate whether to stay or leave in the final commitment ceremony, Troy looks out a window, deep in thought. But oh.
He doesn’t at all appear to be in the right building. He’s alone and we just know he went to wrong warehouse and, Troy, no, you literally had one job.
Soon they’ll be called into the ceremony and Troy will be missing and it turns out he ended up in the Blue Mountains and why Troy. Why is life so hard for you?
Nasser is also doin’ a think and we’re distracted because WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR NOSE NASSER? You can’t just show up on TV with a CUT in the middle of your FACE and not at all tell us how it got there.
We have precisely three theories for how Nasser ended up with a broken nose for no reason:
- When the demon escaped his body (because obviously Nasser has been possessed ever since he stayed at Gab's haunted apartment) it hit him in the face because it was mad.
- He fell off his scooter because he was driving too slow.
- He got into a fight with the cleaners in his apartment building because he wanted to do all the cleaning for everyone in his underpants and people were... complaining.
SHHH EVERYONE QUIET IT’S TIME FOR THE FINAL COMMITMENT CEREMONY AND EXPERT TRISH IS WEARING A CHOKER FOR THE OCCASION.
All three experts are dressed entirely in black as though they are all in mourning and it feels appropriate.
Troy's been acting WEIRD the last few nights and we have a theory as to why. We discuss, on our Married At First Sight recap podcast. Post continues after.
First up are Sarah and Telv who claim their problems this week were fixed after a session with John Aiken, which sounds like a lie. But, yeah, John Aiken is being arrogant about it.
Trish is looking guilty because she had a session with Justin and Carly and legitimately ruined them. The tension between John Aiken and Trish is palpable and we all just know Trish got spoken to by HR this week for making a couple touch each other in front of her for no reason.
Sarah and Telv choose to stay but then suddenly Telv says “I’ll be back,” and it’s clear he desperately needs to poop which is both highly embarrassing and very relatable.
He is gone for a minute or so while Sarah worries that it was the Indian they had for dinner last night, and then he reemerges with a bunch of flowers that he clearly found in the toilet.
Telv is smiling because he feels much better after his poop.
It’s Charlene and Patrick’s turn, and they explain they’ve bonded significantly this week, especially over blowing shit up at the dinner party. Trish tries to do some analysing of their relationship, but John Aiken says very angrily, “No, Trish. We’ve spoken about this. You’re not allowed to offer help anymore.”
“I just think a sixy tixt would help,” she whispers, before John and Mel loudly shush her.
But Dean is getting very angry because Charlene hasn’t even once offered to make him a sandwich and he would like one with vegemite.
“You should have said something at boiz night,” he says to Patrick with a face that is alarmingly red.
Dean then tries to explain that the world is full of different people, some who think their wives are dumb dumbs and are fun to swap sometimes, sort of like X-Box games but less fun, and THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
Now it’s time for Carly and Justin to make their final decision, and considering they have literally nothing in common, and don't appear to even moderately like each other, our gut instinct is that they should probably choose to leave.
Obviously Trish is convinced that if Justin sent a simple dick pic like she suggested then they wouldn’t be in this predicament, but no Trish. No one wants a photo at Justin's ice cream cone.
They both choose to leave, mostly because they hate each other, and Carly hands her wedding ring back to Justin, because she knows he was only ever here to sell ice cream machines.
We can hear producers in the background freaking out because Justin can’t keep that they need it back for next season they don’t have the budget.
It’s Dean and Tracey’s turn, and Tracey is trying to pretend like this is a very hard decision, but if we all just cast our eyes to her urban hip hop shoes it’s clear she’s here for the long run.
Dean continues to defend BOIZ NIGHT antics by saying it was all a bit of fun no one got hurt, despite the several people who have clearly stated they got hurt.
Tracey says something that frankly doesn’t make sense about how she can’t blame Dean for defending himself in that situation (yes you can) and “no one won” (Charlene clearly won).
They both stay because Tracey has accepted Dean will disappoint and humiliate her on at least a weekly basis, and that is a standard she is very much willing to accept.
The experts are very happy for them, and we’ve said it once and we shall say it again: This show is f*cked.
Troy somehow managed to find his way here and we think congratulations are in order.
He tells the experts that ‘family meetings’ were good (wtf are family meetings) but he might have made an ‘off-hearted’ (that’s not the… expression) about Ashley’s mum, and can they please fix Ashley because she’s been glaring at him for 24 hours now.
Despite the fact she can’t even look at him without hissing, she decides to stay and WHY. EVERYONE IS MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS AND WE CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. JOHN AIKEN WHY WON’T YOU DO SOMETHING.
Goodness it’s Nasser and Gab.
Listen to us debrief on ALL the biggest moments from tonight's episode on our MAFS recap pod.
“I came into this experiment full-heartedly,” Nasser says and why can’t anyone get their expressions right tonight pls. The nonsensical nature of this experiment has literally started to deplete everyone's brain cells and it's a genuine health hazard.
They both choose to leave because it turns out they’re just strangers who were matched by fake experts and they have little if anything in common.
The experts have decided that for the final week (which by the way, doesn't seem to actually be the final week BECAUSE THIS SHOW REFUSES TO END) the experts are going to split up the couples, and get them to share their opinions and insights into each other's relationships which sounds like a terrible idea but also... brilliant.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.