IT’S TOO MUCH. IT’S BECOME TOO MUCH.
WE CAN'T BREATHE BECAUSE OF THE PURE JOY BUT ALSO THE EXCITEMENT.
We cannot handle this many feelings and we were not prepared for these revelations even though Channel Nine warned us this would be the best week of television in the history of the universe.
And we're calling it - they undersold it.
We shall begin where all good stories begin: with Troy.
Less than 24 hours ago, we watched as Troy's mum tried to subtly tell her 34-year-old son that his fake wife loathed him. Tonight, we open with him IN BED WITH CARLY, AND YEAH THERE'S A UNICORN ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE WHICH WE KNOW BELONGS TO HIM.
The next eight minutes or so consists solely of Troy licking Carly inside her mouth while moaning... sexually.
At one point, Troy has Carly on the ground at a park, rubbing her belly like a dog while squealing, "NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY," and if we saw this occurring in public we would call the police immediately.
We're torn between this situation being too bizarre to actually be real, and also knowing that this is exactly what a relationship with Troy would look like.
WHY DOES HE MURMUR WHEN HE KISSES.
It's Jo and she's wearing platform foam thongs with the words 'Foxy Mumma' written on them.
Yes, well. Jo hasn't been this excited about something since her honeymoon to Singapore where she had beers in the pewl.
Speaking of excitement, Nasser is hyperventilating because he can sense the gossip with his nostrils. But... we have a theory.
The demon that possessed Nasser while he was staying in Gab's haunted house is still lurkin', evidenced by the wonky lamp shade in his room that real Nasser would never stand for. Real Nasser would've been standing there with no pants on, demanding it be straightened or removed.
SHH IT'S TIME FOR THE DINNER PARTY CAN EVERYONE SHH PLS.
Justin arrives and reflects that the experiment taught him lots of things he can apply to his business life and no one cares but okay.
Tracey announces she's fallen in love with someone since the experiment ended six weeks ago and we try to work out who it could be, immediately dismissing Sean D the moment he walks in mutters "Aloha" to no one in particular.
But THEN the other Sean arrives, and... look.
We respect that everyone wants to put in effort when going to a reunion, but the trick is not to look like you tried too hard.
Sean did not receive that memo.
He walks in wearing a gold metallic jacket with dyed hair and it's... a lot.
But not nearly as over the top as approaching Tracey and PUTTING HIS TONGUE IN HER MOUTH HOLE WITHOUT EVEN ASKING.
At this point it would appear One Direction Sean is, possibly, Tracey's new boyfriend.
No one is able to handle this news less than Jo who uses an expression we shall all henceforth start using: "Sh*t the freaking bed. I am shook to the bone!"
Goodness, Jo, so are we.
Listen to Clare and Jessie Stephens discuss what the hell is happening with Tracey and Sean on our MAFS chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
QUIET EVERYONE. Davina has arrived and snake music is playing.
She's laughing about how Tracey was the first person to point fingers when she swapped partners but now LOOK AT HER.
Davina pls. We all know the ethical difference is that Tracey was full fake married when you stole her fake husband, which is entirely different to breaking up with your fake husband during a fake commitment ceremony, and then pursuing someone else's ex-fake husband outside the context of the fake experiment.
WE WERE THERE AND IT'S NOT EVEN NEARLY THE SAME.
It's now time for Dean to face Sean and things seem oddly fine until Sean sits far too close to Dean on the lounge and eavesdrops on his conversation in a way that is not at all socially acceptable.
When Dean says he learned a lot about Tracey by fake marrying her/living with her/cheating on her, Sean abruptly yells, "YOU DIDN'T" and what a strange moment to start sh*t.
He tells Dean he's "full of sh*t," which like, he is, but it's not really relevant at this particular point in time. Sean says he's mad because Dean's been textin' Tracey (not anotha textin' scandal honestly it's too much) even though Tracey asked him to "please stop harassing me".
It's super transparent what's happened here.
Tracey is enjoying the texts from Dean. They make her feel like a special gewl. But Sean has seen the texts from Dean and Tracey has to pretend she doesn't like them. Which is a lie, and then she said he's harassing her. Which is also a lie. And now Sean looks like an idiot. Especially in his gold jacket.
Dean goes full Visionz and says, "yo trippin' brah," and for once... he's not lying. He's very much speaking the truth.
While we were distracted by the angry man in the weird suit, Troy and Carly have entered the dinner party together and Jo has literally started dancing out of pure excitement.
But you know who isn't dancing? Ashley. Because Ashley is pissed that her ex-fake husband who she hated would dare pursue a relationship with another woman who doesn't hate him. Frankly, it's rude, and Dean got a text from Tracey about Sean out of respect SO WHY DIDN'T ASHLEY GET ONE FROM TROY.
As they take their seats at the dinner table, expert Trish comments, "It's lovely to see our couples act like normal couples," and oh sweetie what show have you been watching?
Davina sits next to Ryan and explains to everyone for the eightieth time that as much as she "loves him to death" he just wasn't the guy for her, which all sounds fine apart from the fact that Ryan is legit traumatised.
At this point, Davina gets sick of the prevalence of good over evil just generally in the world, so starts to meddle with people's vulnerabilities/relationships/wellbeing.
She tells Dean he was "the best out of a bad bunch" for her, "like when you're on an island and look at dirt and want to eat it". Cool.
Then she sits with Carly and Troy and laughs about how she was the first one to couple swap and everyone's just copying her, even though LITERALLY moments ago she was consoling Ashley who's upset by the whole thing.
But Tracey overhears her and pulls her away to bring up the frankly unsettling fact that Davina has shown no remorse for ruining another person's relationship.
Davina's strategy is to a) pretend she has no idea what Tracey is talking about, b) pretend she has no idea who Tracey is, and c) insist that Tracey is crazy.
IT'S TOO MUCH.
IT'S SO MEAN.
IT'S SO GOOD.
WE CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE.
Back at the dinner party Justin is trying to console Ashley by telling her he'll send her inspirational quotes and NO JUSTIN YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORTH MOCKING RIGHT NOW THERE'S TOO MANY OTHER THINGS GOING ON.
Tracey and Dean are having a conversation, so Davina decides to rile Sean up but srsly he doesn't need any more riling up. He hasn't strung a sentence together since he muttered something about he and Tracey being in love and we think he might hurt someone.
We have no evidence at all that he might kill cats and yet we believe it wholeheartedly.
Dean has confirmed with Tracey that she doesn't think she's being harassed by him, so thinks it's a good idea to confront Sean about it and no he's actually broken.
He starts yelling at Dean to "TELL ME THE F**KING TRUTH" and Sean genuinely makes Dean look like a calm, decent human being which is perhaps the single most disturbing thing about this sh*t show of an episode.
Sean is adamant that Tracey despises Dean, but Dean is pretty sure she doesn't given that they text every day, and honestly at this point the truth doesn't matter because Sean stopped making sense long ago and it's making for uncomfortable yet brilliant television.
Dean says, "I'm very concerned about you, is everything alright Sean?" and it's humiliating because obviously things are not fine he's sweating and swearing and keeping stolen cats in his basement.
Sean storms back into the dinner party and starts stroking Telv's red velvet jacket intimately, before proceeding to straight up lie to Tracey about what Dean just said.
Someone is going to kill someone and we are very much here for it.
But you know who isn't here for it?
The other Sean. Jo's Sean. Who didn't get nearly enough air time considering the enthusiasm of his 'Aloha'.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to us debrief in full on our Married At First Sight podcast.