We open with an excitable narrator informing us that Patrick and Charlene didn’t get much sleep last night because they were busy doing things of a sexual nature.
Namely, intercourse. With their genitals.
Charlene likely has a UTI and we just hope she gets some antibiotics before her honeymoon.
LISTEN: We debrief on the best moments from tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight.
But you know who doesn’t have a UTI? Davina. Because she f*cking hates her husband.
Ryan won’t stop snoring and Davina is having none of it. She yells at him which tbh feels… justified.
It’s time for the honeymoons, and no one has ever been as excited about a free trip to Singapore as Jo.
She wants a swim in the pewl. She wants cheap beer. She wants some souvenirs for the kids. She wants to watch some movies on the plane. But alas, she falls asleep as soon as she sits down, and manages to sleep the entire way there while Sean sits next to her in silence, willing the plane to go down.
Once they arrive at their hotel, Jo exclaims, "Shit no! Never stayed anywhere like this ever!" and also claims the hotel room is bigger than Adelaide which seems unlikely.
Simply, Jo feels like a Queen. And despite the fact Sean hasn't spoken to her yet and appears to be physically ill, she thinks this is going really well, thanks.
Sean simply says: "I'm not excited about this." And... cool.
Jo gets straight in the pool and it is clear that if there's one thing she loves more than Sean it's a resort in Singapore. With a beer in each hand, she starts struggling to swim and yells that she might be drowning. Sean turns away, and pretends he is distracted by something else.
Speaking of romance, Dean is talking to Tracey about her boobies because that's his favourite topic of conversation. He keeps calling them melons, and says "I was eating melons last night," which makes everyone, but mostly us, feel extremely uncomfortable.
But then we encounter a roadblock.
Attached to Tracey's boobs, it would seem, is a human woman with opinions and perspectives, and Dean. Don't. Like. It. This isn't what he signed up for all he wanted was a womb.
She speaks about a psychic she visited and Dean gets angry because PSYCHICS AREN'T REAL and GIRLS ARE SO STUPID. It causes conflict, but then Dean remembers her boobies again and feels calm. He will keep her for the time being.
Davina, however, would not like to keep Ryan.
When given an oyster he remarks, "That looks bleeding," which we honestly think is quite a profound observation.
He tries to eat an oyster, and begins heaving, before straight up vomiting a few steps from their table.
"YOU'RE TURNING ME OFF MY CHEESY BREAD," Davina yells, and no one ruins Davina's cheesy bread.
She tells him "I feel sick watching you," and "you're being really childish, like you're a child," before having a tantrum and crying.
Davina decides she doesn't want to be here because Ryan is embarrassing and honestly his behaviour towards the oyster was entirely warranted in our opinion.
She makes Ryan feel bad about the whole vomiting at dinner thing, and eventually they make up, and Ryan promises to be less... gross.
The next morning they encounter a new problem, which is that Ryan is trying not to annoy Davina by being generally less... present.
But then Davina cries because the man she hates doesn't love her enough.
"It would be fun to do a workout together," she says, and that doesn't sound like fun. At all.
Eventually she forces Ryan to make her dinner and this relationship is most definitely toxic.
Over in Singapore, Jo is feeling very excited about her day of explorin'.
Sean and Jo go to some ropes course, and even though Sean refuses to try it, Jo is all like WATCH ME GO, SEAN, WATCH.
She makes a joke about shitting her pants and this woman just keeps getting better.
But despite her palpable excitement, once in the air she remembers that she is actually afraid of heights, and starts crying.
Out of NOWHERE, Sean becomes supportive and kind and it's almost as if he didn't actually want her to drown earlier.
They then have their final dinner of the honeymoon and Jo has not one negative thing to say at all. She. Is. Stoked. No one has ever loved Singapore like Jo loved Singapore. She believes Sean is her soulmate and the honeymoon has "gone good".
Sean tells the camera he feels no spark with Jo and f*ck.
Meanwhile, Dean and Tracey have been given a kit full of questions from the lurking experts, because they are otherwise incapable of having a meaningful conversation.
Somehow it comes up that Tracey has tried "swinging" in a previous relationship and Dean is all like, "yeah, let's talk more about this and less about your thoughts and feelings etc."
He thinks he might like to touch her boobies later.
But just when we thought things could not get worse between Davina and Ryan, Davina decides she'd like her husband to be affectionate with her now, please. They're going to have cuddles and watch a movie and we can just say with unbridled certainty that Davina chose the movie.
The next morning, however, it's obvious that Davina regrets briefly forgetting that she hates her husband.
There's no spark, and when Ryan makes a joke to the cameras about "aggressive cuddling", her face says: tell anyone what happened and you die.
Other couples went on honeymoons, but turns out that watching two people just get along on holiday is super boring.
UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.