Why. Would. John. Do. This. Again.
In the opening minutes, he introduces himself and says, “I’m John!” and we know John. We know.
We then see a flashback to when John was – how shall we put this? – ruthlessly trolled on last season of Married at First Sight, given he was matched with a woman named Deb who wanted one thing and one thing only.
A man from the Polynesian islands.
Understandably, she was pissed off from the moment she laid eyes on him, and yelled things like, "I GOT NOTHING I WANTED. EVEN THE ORANGE CAKE..." and then for the next two weeks criticised everything he did/said/thought because he never really made enough of an effort to become Polynesian.
We can confirm that John has, if possible, become even less Polynesian and now has just one criteria: A woman who has not exclusively requested a man of a race that John is not. That's it.
That woman, it would appear, is Mel.
Mel has had very bad luck in the dating department, so has decided that the best option is to be matched by strangers whose track record is frankly offensive.
EXPERT MATCH 8,374: John and Mel
- Both not currently married that we know of.
- Experts might have actually tried this time with John because they feel bad about last time.
- No one has expressed a specific desire for a Polynesian and a Polynesian only.
- ...What happened last time.
- Mel bears some resemblance to Deb which is traumatising for John.
Expert John Aiken eventually asks, "Ah, so, you haven't lost faith in the process. Why not? (You... definitely should have lot faith in the process by now)," and John looks confused because Aiken has been camping outside his house for months campaigning for his return and yelling Polynesian-related taunts.
It's time... there's a Troy. And we don't... understand.
Troy is shown playing tennis despite the fact he is perhaps the worst recreational tennis player we've ever witnessed, and then snorkelling in ankle-deep water with his dog for no reason.
He has one of those laughs people try and pass off as a "quirk" but it's actually a very significant and disruptive social issue that should be addressed.
Listen to Clare and Jessie Stephens discuss how nothing about Troy makes sense on our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues after audio.
John Aiken, who has bizarrely bonded with Troy unlike he has ever bonded with any other participant, asks him what he wants in a woman. Troy says he wants a 'cheerleader' and we feel physically sick because that's not a quality or a trait. Furthermore, we don't really have that many 'cheerleaders' in Australia but okay.
That's when we meet Ashley who unsurprisingly is not, nor has she ever been, a cheerleader.
The sole quality the experts were looking for in Troy's partner was someone who could deal with... Troy. Which feels super one-sided but also isn't the worst strategy they've come up with.
EXPERT MATCH ONE MILLION: Ashley and Troy.
- John Aiken likes Troy so maybe he tried harder than usual? Idk. Idk.
- Troy's laugh.
- Troy playing tennis.
- Troy's strange relationship with John Aiken.
- Ashley doesn't want to... cheer.
Troy is getting ready for his wedding and, naturally, he decides to brush his teeth.
What ensues is the most confronting thing we've personally ever seen on television and/or real life.
It's like he's joking but he most definitely isn't because you can see in his eyes. There is toothpaste on his nose but also on his neck, and it's like he is desperately scratching his teeth because they're... itchy.
His hand is moving too fast and this is really sad because we think Troy has never been taught to brush his teeth properly. Goodness.
His mouth is really open and it just keeps going and enough Troy. You're going to hurt yourself.
After brushing his teeth, he feels like some tuna and... why.
Troy starts eating it out of a can on his balcony in between brushing his teeth and we just know there are bits of tuna in his toothpaste and this ain't right, Troy. It ain't right.
There's more tuna and more teeth brushing and who even does that to a future wife? You had ONE JOB on your wedding day and it was to not eat tuna right before. And also to learn how to brush your teeth. That's it.
When he eventually arrives at the wedding, he needs a mint because his breath has gone off. WONDER WHY THAT WOULD BE, TROY.
He then greets the mother of his unknown bride and tells her she "looks fantastic" and describes the gene pool as "beautiful" and says if his wife is "pure breed" he could settle down with her instantly.
On the way to the ceremony Ashley is contemplating what she's going to do if her husband is a "weirdo" and we're laughing because, in the near future, Troy is going to say, "Hey, just gonna brush my teeth," and she's going to say, "Yeah, me too," and then she is going to be subjected to what we just saw and die.
At Mel and John's wedding, there's a significant lack of Deb jokes all round.
John's eyes say, "HA-ha but no seriously sometimes she still calls and yells at me for not being Polynesian," and we know John. We know.
Not one time throughout the whole ceremony OR reception does Mel ask John to be another nationality. Not once.
We think this might work.
Over at Ashley and Troy's wedding, Troy is saying lots of things he shouldn't.
During the photo shoot he is kissing far too loudly and intimately and we just know he's deposited tuna-toothpaste into Ashley's mouth which is rude and disrespectful.
When Ashley's sisters sit down to 'grill' him he assures them, "I'm in it for the right reasons - and you're two beautiful girls" which wasn't part of the question. They ask if he knows a) how old Ashley is, and b) what she does for a living and what they clearly don't understand is that Troy doesn't care. He says he would guess she's a teacher and when one of Ashley's sisters corrects him and says she's a flight attendant he's like...¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Listen to the full episode of the Married at First Sight recap podcast, here.
He then congratulates her father on "creating an incredible family," and keeps calling anyone with breasts, "beautiful... stunning... ", before commenting that Ashley, "presents incredibly well".
Ashley seems somewhat impressed with Troy, and we keep muttering under our breath; "Wait. Til. He. Brushes. His. Teeth."
They go back to their hotel room and... if Troy brushes his teeth like that... imagine how he is going to sex.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.