It’s the morning after Troy brushed his teeth like he was in the midst of a violent exorcism, and he remarks to his new fake wife, “My breath stinks!”
On top of being an unusual thing to say to a human you’re trying to impress, we are promptly reminded that Troy will likely be brushing his teeth again in the near future, and Ashley is going to have to quickly work out how to best deal with that.
Will she… question him on it? Will she provide him with tuna at intervals during his teeth-brushing routine? Will she yell at the top of her lungs before evacuating the hotel, the state, and then eventually, the country?
Only time will tell.
ANYWHO - it's time to meet couple number one million and no more pls we already have enough.
There's Gab, who seems nice, and Nasser who describes himself as "very attractive" before giving himself a rating of seven out of 10 which seems fairly... average.
John Aiken describes him as "quirky" which makes us nervous, and all three experts seem to have given up on actually convincing us their matches are worthwhile, with Trish mumbling something about "potential" and "neuroscience" before seizuring and collapsing on her iPad.
EXPERT MATCH 50 HUNDRED: Gab and Nasser.
- Gab seems nice.
- Nasser has never been convicted of a violent crime that we know of.
- The experts are fatigued, hungry and shitty.
- The experts aren't that good at their jobs at the best of times.
This match inspires precisely nothing in us, and now we would like to move on.
LISTEN: Not that it's hilarious or anything but Gab's sister was NOT OK. We debrief on our Married At First Sight podcast.
Next, we meet Justin who introduces himself as an entrepreneurial businessman and doesn't the world have enough of them?
He is very important which is demonstrated through his phone conversation in which he says: "Yeah nah I sent him an email last night, [indecipherable mumble] Iran."
Justin also insists, "I LIKE MATERIAL THINGS," and goodness that is not a thing you should say out loud.
The experts, who have at this point completely given up, match him with a person named Carly who also has a career and says things like: "OK, so, the event's coming up..." which all sounds very important.
They're meant to be a power couple, like George and Amal, only... not.
Carly is shown flicking through Tinder and we're angry. Because obviously she's not actually looking. Because she's already on the show, that's why she's being filmed.
EXPERT MATCH NUMBER TOO MANY: Justin and Carly.
- Justin talks a lot about being a millionaire, which is boring for everyone.
- Carly is not a sports car.
- John Aiken refers to them as "solid" and not even he believes in his own bullshit anymore.
IT'S TIME FOR THE WEDDINGS PLS, and Gabrielle's twin sister won't stop vomiting.
She's sick mostly because Gabrielle is making a terrible life decision and she knows she's going to be dealing with the fall out in approximately two weeks.
Meanwhile, Nasser is at the altar seeking reassurance from his new friend, the celebrant.
Nasser really likes his wedding shoes, and makes sure the celebrant likes them, too.
Just when things are developing between the two, Gabrielle interrupts by walking down the aisle, and Nasser is a fan.
He restrains from asking her straight up whether she likes his shoes and instead yells: "DO YOU LIKE THE BEACH I ONCE LIVED IN BALI."
Gabrielle politely nods at the loud man, and they both agree the beach is fine.
Over at Justin's wedding, we realise he doesn't look unlike Craig McLachlan, which is awkward at this time.
He is being all sad because, "In the past people have dated me for what I have not who I am," which is hard to empathise with given all he talks about is what he has.
When Justin and Carly lay eyes on each other they are both relieved because neither appears to be Ivan Milat.
But Justin is impatient to bring up the fact he is a millionaire because it is important but also impressive. He tries to yell it just before their first kiss, but doesn't quite fit it in.
During the photo shoot he starts saying things with precisely no context, like "FIVE STAR HOTEL" and "I ONLY FLY BUSINESS CLASS" which no one asked.
Everyone feels awkward, mostly the Channel Nine producers who intend to in no way splurge on this couple's upcoming honeymoon.
They spent far too much money on sending Jo and Sean to Singapore, where Jo bought one too many souvenirs for her best friend Karen.
Justin then tells Carly he always gets what he wants, which is funny given the economy seat and two star motel waiting for him in his not-so-distant future.
He then drops in that he goes to Dubai regularly for work, but Carly needn't worry, because she'll be coming along from now on.
Carly says she's busy that day and also no.
Both weddings are ultimately underwhelming and we just want to know what Jo's doing.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast.