We begin with Jo reflecting that, yeah, Sean hasn’t touched/looked at/acknowledged her in upwards of two weeks, but it’s helped her realise one really important thing: Love will come.
But… love will not come.
Because Sean wants to die and that is not a quality one wants in their romantic partner, mostly because it can be a real downer.
Meanwhile, Dean and Tracey are giggling about how they’re winning the show because of how much sex they’ve been having.
But, firstly, this show has no winners. Only losers. And secondly, Dean seems pretty keen on Davina who he describes as “hot… super fun and super sexual,” which sounds a lot like something he ought not to say out loud.
Speaking of things people ought not to say out loud, Davina is speaking.
She thinks Dean is hot, and would like to get to know him more. But she would never cut someone’s grass. Except for this time. And also for always.
There's an announcement.
Tonight will be the first commitment ceremony, where the couples have the chance to a) look into the eyes of the experts and say 'na, but srsly wtf', and b) decide whether or not they will continue with this unspeakably flawed experiment.
But there are RULES, and no they don't make sense.
Each person gets to choose whether they want to stay or leave the experiment, but if one person in a couple wants to stay, and the other wants to leave, they both have to stay.
Interestingly, this is the precise opposite to how relationships actually work.
YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE SOMEONE STAY WITH SOMEONE AGAINST THEIR WILL BECAUSE CONSENT ETC.
As a side note, Blair is wearing a hat that makes her look like she belongs on The Voice. And yeah, it's confusing.
Everyone is busy making their decisions and Sean is saying things we don't want to hear such as, "I've had no romantic feelings towards Jo at all," and if he says that to her face we will not stand for it.
Davina is discussing her relationship, and remarks, "I don't fight with people usually," which sounds like a lie but okay.
Oh goodness Troy and Ashley are up and they're playing dufus clown music which we like very much.
Listen: Clare and Jessie Stephens debrief on the most controversial couple at the commitment ceremony. Post continues after audio.
We expect Ashley to ask the experts just one question: "Yo, why you trolling me?" but instead she says she wanted someone who was down to earth and not obsessed with their looks and yet she landed a Troy - who is neither of those things and also one of the most bizarre people Australia has ever met.
Troy tries to respond but John Aiken orders him to stop.
Meanwhile, Telv is in the background having a straight up panic attack from the strangeness of it all. Jo is holding her head in her hands because the sight of Troy is too much. Everyone is cringing because Troy and WHY DOES HE KEEP INTERRUPTING WHEN JOHN AIKEN SAID TO SHHH.
Finally, Troy says that he's not vain, but he did need to run back to do push ups on his honeymoon because; "I'm one of those guys who does lose body mass really quickly..." and no.
Despite the fact Ashley physically recoils from Troy at all times, she decides to stay, as does he, and this is most definitely not going to end well.
Next up are Blair and Sean and with precisely no context Sean breaks down in tears and starts saying things about "walls" and "the past" and "opening up" and we feel like we're... missing something fundamental to this story line.
For at least 10 minutes it is entirely unclear what anyone is talking about, and this is why no one needed an 11th couple. It's confusing.
From what we can gather, Sean used to be a womaniser and a gambler and now he's not but it's hard for him because he got married for no reason and now it's triggering. Anywho, now that he's spoken about it everything is sweet and they're going to stay to work on their issues - of which we do not fully understand.
A bunch of people decide to stay together because of a) free housing, b) free food c) gossip and... oh no.
It's Jo. And she's feelin' positive despite... everything.
Beaming, she tells the experts how great her and Sean's honeymoon was, and gives them their souvenirs which have already broken.
Then it's Sean's turn and he says he's going to have to be honest.
But we would prefer if Sean, please, was not honest, mostly because of Jo's face.
He explains that he hasn't really had a connection with Jo at all, and there's no spark. Sean says she's ridiculously funny, which Jo obviously agrees with, but he doesn't want to stuff her around.
Sean chooses to leave and Jo breaks.
She calls him a douchebag which is super out of character, but that's okay. Despite the fact she is crying so hard she is hyperventilating and explicitly asks if she can CHANGE HER DECISION so as not to LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES HER, the experts are like "Soz, babe, it's the rules."
Jo says she's embarrassed, but you know who should be embarrassed? Troy.
She's the best thing to ever happen on this godforsaken show and she should just go back to Singapore with her best friend Karen and see how much more fun she has.
All Jo wanted was love, and who would've thunk that getting married to a stranger on national television for no reason, with frankly the worst odds we've ever heard of, would end in such heartbreak? Not Jo.
More people choose to stay for reasons that have little to nothing to do with their partner, and then it's Tracey and Dean's turn.
Tracey keeps using the word 'intimacy' which as code for 'dirty sex', and says her and Dean are winning and would like the prize money now etc.
Dean nods and agrees enthusiastically, and then comes time to reveal their decision.
Tracey says 'Stay' with love hearts, whereas Dean, with no explanation, just says, "Yeah, nah, not that keen aye."
Everyone loses their shit (which brings us to the question of, um, why everyone has to be here to... watch) and Tracey yells: "We were intimate this morning for crying out loud!" which is necessary and also insightful for viewers.
For anyone who couldn't quite read between the lines (Troy) she says, "You can have sex with me and be really affectionate and not give it a chance."
She then starts rattling off a number of cliches we're not familiar with such as, "HIT IT AND QUIT IT," before calling him an asshole.
Dean's point is this: Just because I had sex with you 12 hours ago, and told you explicitly that I liked you over the course of our two week fake marriage, does not mean I want to stay fake married to you. Silly girl.
The one upside of Tracey's devastation can be summed up as follows: Jo.
She is so goddamn happy someone else got rejected. Jo tries to comfort Tracey and says they should have a wine at her place. Tracey declines.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
You can listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight debrief here.