It’s Tracey’s birthday and we would like to personally apologise to her for having to spend it like… this.
Dean bought her a cake that is far too big to share between just two people, and writes her a card that thankfully is not written in rap.
Tracey says it’s nice to know Dean respects her and her trust issues have now subsided and oi do you guys remember when Dean said Tracey’s looks weren’t her strongest quality and then his mistress actually shushed him?
Just last night, Dean was getting moody because no one outwardly expressed an interest in having sex with his wife and what a terrible birthday.
In Ashley and Troy’s apartment, Troy’s face looks significantly more guilty, confused and terrified than usual. He insists he most definitely did not bring up Ashley’s mum at the boiz night, more specifically her natural colouring but also her highlights.
Troy assures Ashley “nothing much happened at the cards night,” which is odd because what cards night.
Ashley gives up on pressing Troy because he has no idea where he is/where he was last night, so she says she's relying on Charlene to squeeze the gossip out of Pat.
But there be no squeezin'.
Patrick knows the boys were naughty and that he must tell Charlene so she can deal with it. He explains there was a lot of talk about couple swapping and Dean being disappointed that no one wanted to swap for Tracey, and Charlene has heard enough. She gives Patrick a treat for being so honest and is secretly proud because tbh she didn't know the gossip would be this good.
Charlene is a goddamn icon. Clare and Jessie Stephens discuss her dinner party explosion on our Married At First Sight recap podcast.
IT'S THE DINNER PARTY AND CHARLENE IS GOING TO DO A YELL AT DEAN AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO SIT DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION FOR ONCE.
Troy arrives and does this wave with his whole arms (both of them) that make him look like he is drowning and signalling for help and no he is actually broken.
"I wonder how many faux pas Troy has made this week?" Trish remarks and everyone laughs very hard, but jokes on you Trish because your sixy tixts weren't so bloody successful, were they?
The boiz begin to congregate and Troy says, "last night was a little disappointing" which is bizarre given a) he's the one who started the conversation about wife swapping and b) he's the one who needed to get his feelings about Ashley's mum off his chest.
Dean tells them he enjoyed the conversation and that it was all just a bit of fun, even though it appears precisely no one had fun.
In a piece to camera he says, while standing next to Tracey, "I don't think anyone should read too much into what happened..." and if our partner kept saying that about a night out we would throw a shoe at the camera and yell "WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? HUH?"
Carly and Justin show up separately given they haven't spoken since the sixy tixt of Justin in men's lingerie, which is... humiliating.
Expert Trish looks guilty AF because, yes, it was her who ordered the texts and, no, they didn't work.
"I wunder what heppened..." she asks. "When I lift they seemed to be relly excited, and thenked me for kemming."
Experts John Aiken and Mel Schilling exchange a knowing look and yeah we can sense a great deal of tension towards Trish and her skills as a professional fake expert.
The fake European waiter arrives to direct everyone to the table and says, "Ladies and gentlemens, dinnar is ser-ved" and ffs this dinner is literally in a warehouse WHY DO YOU NEED EXOTIC WAITSTAFF.
We're just impatient because Charlene promised to start shit and she hasn't yet.
Oh shh quiet now she's been seated in the middle of the table opposite Dean and NO that is not a coincidence.
She looks at Dean and announces she'd like to talk about the very boring boiz night and, just hypothetically, she probs wouldn't be comfortable if her husband was "offering me to the other men at the table."
Tracey starts yelling and we laugh because we're 24 episodes in and we've entirely lost our humanity.
Troy keeps saying things like "you must have misunderstood," and Troy, pls, you've literally never understood anything.
Dean denies "trading women like commodities" and says he is very disappointed in Charlene and Pat for speaking about women in such a derogatory way.
It's at this point that we realise Dean is, in fact, a feminist messiah, and how could we forget after he went on that rant about how all he wants is a woman who obeys him etc.?
Dean, turned Visionz, now turned Germaine Greer, starts explaining his version of feminism, and we don't... like it. Mostly because we know it's definitely... bad.
But Justin thinks he's gotten away with a lil' bit wanting to trade Carly in for Ashley, so turns to no one in particular and says too loudly, "HOW ARE YOU GUYS GOING?"
Justin is also broken.
Nasser is then asked to share his version of what happened at the boiz night, mostly because everyone knows how flawless his memory is for gossip, and he explains that while the conversation about wife swapping wasn't great, it was probably even worse when Troy said Ashley's mum was hot.
Troy keeps trying to say things that don't make sense, and that's when Sarah decides to save him from himself.
She puts her hand over his mouth, maybe with some chloroform but that's okay, and says sternly, "Stop talking. Stop laughing," and omg she is so wise.
Meanwhile, Carly has discovered that Justin expressed interest in having a different fake wife, which she finds... rude.
Justin has decided to deal with this situation by trying to make everyone feel sorry for him, by saying things like "I'm divorced, I travel, I don't have much to offer," and dude you're the one who keeps reminding us you're an ice cream millionaire and you went to the ice cream Oscars in Milan and like to sail around in your invisible boat.
Carly doesn't know why she is still here and THIS is what we've been TRYING to TELL YOU.
Tracey, on the other hand, has decided that as an empowered woman she gets to decide how badly she'd like to be treated, and Dean will do just fine.
UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.
Listen to our full podcast recap of tonight's episode below.