It’s the morning after Sean and Jo’s wedding, and Sean has officially made the decision that he doesn’t want to be alive any longer.
He looks directly down the barrel of the camera with an expression of utter despair, mostly because Jo has been awake since 5am singing SHOW TUNES.
Sean’s only words are, “I can’t feel anything but tired right now…” and Jo’s lack of self awareness is something we can all aspire to.
While Sean tries to free himself from the leash the producers have used to stop him from escaping, we meet Davina.
She's Insta-famous and a bikini model, but she's sick of everyone seeing her as an Insta-famous bikini model.
Mel Schilling relates very much, and asks; "You're so beautiful... why do you need us?" because only ugly people are allowed to be single.
Cool, cool.
Davina couldn't find someone normal, so that's why she came here she explains, and lol.
This brings us to Ryan, a tradie who claims to work 24 hour days which is most definitely a lie.
The experts say this is a couple who, "really need to trust in our expertise," and what f*cking expertise, sir?
EXPERT MATCH FIVE: Davina and Ryan
Pros:
- Both thought this... thing was a good idea.
- Have things in common like number of limbs and organs etc.
Cons:
- Davina finds everything, but mostly everyone, annoying.
- Davina's expectations.
- Ryan says he's happy with some "healthy chub" and Davina has not enough chub, maybe.
Next we meet Charlene, who we are told is 33 and was previously in a relationship for 17 years. After intense calculations, it would appear she was 18-months-old when they met.
And then there's Patrick. Or more to the point, a Ruby.
Ruby is Patrick's mum, and she's about as supportive of this marriage as our mum is of the anal sex story we wrote the other day. Which is none. She is none supportive.
Patrick turns up to his mum's house to tell her about the whole fake-marrying-a-rando-on-the-TV thing, with a basket of washing under his arm which he passes to her as a 'gift'. On an entirely unrelated note, he is a 34-year-old human man who is grown up enough to get fake married, BUT NOT TO WASH HIS OWN UNDERPANTS.
EXPERT MATCH SIX: Charlene and Patrick
Pros:
- Both applied.
- Both are of same/similar species.
Cons:
- Patrick's mum is going to hurt someone and, yeah, it's going to be Charlene.
It's the day of their wedding and Ruby is having none of it.
She's telling Patrick to clean out his ears and she doesn't like his socks and keeps saying things like "Crazy, crazy concept I wouldn't do it," and she's the most reasonable person to ever appear on Married at First Sight.
Over at Ryan's house, we notice that every time he appears on screen they play doofus music. Like he's a... clumsy clown.
LISTEN: We debrief on tonight's episode of Married at First Sight, and obviously the highlight was Ruby.
He heads to the ceremony in a very fancy limo with his groomsmen, and one jokes, "Is there a toilet in here?"
Ha-ha but seriously don't piss in the limo. Not yet.
They finally arrive at the wedding, and as Davina walks down the aisle, she seems... fine. This match might actually...
Oh.
Nevermind. As soon as Ryan opens his mouth Davina hates him. And the celebrant just stands there in silence for 45 minutes because the training to be a fake-wedding-celebrant is wildly inadequate.
They have a "horrendous" kiss and Davina may or may not just be here for the Insta followers.
At Patrick and Charlene's wedding, Ruby is saying helpful things such as: "I'm gonna neck myself." Ruby, pls.
Anywho, Patrick and Charlene very much approve of each other, despite Ruby's blatant meddling.
At the reception, Ruby takes Patrick aside and reiterates that this is a terrible idea, don't do it, he is ridiculous etc. etc. She then offers her one piece of invaluable marriage advice: Always respect your mother.
They return to the hotel and proceed to have full blown sex with their clothes on and tbh we're here for it. Ruby is about to dial in a bomb threat but that's okay.
Back at Davina and Ryan's wedding, Davina's bridesmaid asks her to blink twice if she likes her new fake husband.
Davina does not move her eyes at all for the next eight minutes, and her eyes go crusty with dryness, before one falls out and rolls to the other side of the room.
She explains that she was sick of him at the altar, and her friend helpfully adds, "He's gonna shit you to tears."
Jesus.
Just when we didn't think things could get any worse, Ryan's best man decides to make a speech and NO.
No.
We can all decipher from approximately seven minutes of air time that Davina is perhaps the most judgemental person to ever get married. So. Don't. Goddamn. Tell. The. Drunk. Sex. Bogan. Stories. About drinking. And sex. But mostly sex while drinking.
FFS.
We have three words for Ryan's best man and they are as follows: Read the room.
Davina jokes that Ryan's "on the couch tonight" but she's not joking at all because when they get to their hotel room he is quite literally on the couch.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.