We open on Troy and Ashley preparing lunch for their families and WHO THE HELL let Troy near the kitchen.
He is obviously peeling an avocado with his fingers and ruining it, pulling lettuce apart with his hands like a caveman, and preparing the salad in the sink which tbh is one of the least weird things he has ever done.
Ashley is very pragmatic, so decides she will cook the things that actually matter, and Troy can do the salad. But it doesn’t take her long to realise she’s given him far too much responsibility and someone – if not everyone – is about to become violently ill.
But Troy’s not thinking about the food. He is, as always, thinking about Ashley’s mum, and comments, “It will be interesting to see how she looks, yeah.”
No, Troy. Not “yeah.”Ashley is traumatised and says, “I don’t know whether he’s taking the piss or not but I’m pretty sure he’s like legit,” which is the most accurate summary of Troy we’ve ever heard.
This shan't be happening.
Something has happened with Sarah and Telv and get f*cked.
You see, they obviously had a fight on the way home from the Commitment Ceremony last night, when Sarah was in the middle of speaking and Telv checked his Snapchat and laughed out loud, because what he saw was "very funny," as he reminds us more than once.
Sarah then said, "you're not even listening to me," and Telv was all like "what did you say?" and now they haven't spoken in 12 hours and we're torn because we want to side with Sarah but the Snapchat does sound kinda funny.
Troy forgot his mum was Coeliac and no we won't ever forgive him. Post continues below.
In Nasser and Gab's apartment, Gab's dad and sister are coming to visit and no one, including us, understands why any of this is... happening.
Immediately, Gab's twin sister Kerry starts challenging Nasser, and he keeps talking over the top of her because demons, possession, etc. Gab yells that Nasser can interrupt her but NOT her sister and then Kerry storms out because she didn't sign up to taking shit from her sister's fake husband who also happens to be a demon.
Later (it's unclear when but also why) Kerry and Nasser meet up privately in a park. Nasser says he tried to explain to Gab during the homestay, "it's not you, it's this place" and honestly he's a bit sick of people being mad at him all the time when he's the one who literally got possessed.
SHHH EXPERT TRISH IS BEIN A DIRTY GURL PLS.
For some reason, Justin and Carly have taken her up on her offer to give them sex counselling, and Justin remarks, "I like this because it's a science".
Yes, well, the matching was meant to be a science too and look how that turned out.
Trish obviously makes Justin and Carly caress each other on the couch while she smiles and nods, and reminds them to "find the parts of your body you like being touched".
She wants them to "explore each other's bodies" and also "find each other's sensitive spots" and Trish, pls.
Justin jokes that it's a bit awkward having Trish there watching and her eyes say, "maybe if you didn't go to Milan in the middle of the experiment, Justin, we wouldn't be here".
Trish tells them to move into the bedroom and makes them spoon, before giving them homework which involves a) going lingerie shopping, and b) sendin' dirty sexts.
To prove they're following her instructions, Trish says, they'll have to send her photos and also forward her the sexts late at night. Hehe.
Oh. Well, that's all well and good but how did we not know about Troy's parents Garry and Sue.
They don't knock, they just appear, and now we understand Troy.
But there's a problem.
Just moments ago Troy went into great detail about how his parents eat, and we quote, "anything", just not large portions.
Ashley's been cooking since like 6am and she is very proud.
And then Sue mentions in passing that, yeah, she can't eat gluten because she has COELIAC DISEASE AND WHY ARE WE NOT SURPRISED TROY NEVER MENTIONED THAT.
"I'll just have Troy's salad," she says politely, but no you can't... you'll die.
Meanwhile, Dean and Tracey are having lunch with friends and family, and Dean's best friend keeps saying things like, "You've been with a lot of girls..." and Tracey's all like "omg he really does hit it 'n quit it..."
Patrick and Charlene are also a couple who exist - but only when Patrick's mum, Ruby, is around.
Every question she asks, such as, "How you been anyway?" comes across as absurdly aggressive and we love it.
Ruby then goes rogue like precisely always, and wants to know if this relationship is going in the right direction or if Charlene is wasting everyone's time. She then laughs that her and Charlene are very similar and "you'll probably kill me or I'll kill you first," and there is never a time Ruby doesn't bring up death.
In Sarah and Telv's apartment, their families have arrived and things are very awkward all because of a particularly hilarious Snapchat. Sarah suggests they discuss the issue with their families, and Telv is clearly reluctant because he knows the Snapchat won't be as funny in hindsight.
Their fight continues to get worse and Sarah leaves to cry in the bathroom and no this cannot be for real of course it will be fine this has just been set up by producers.
Sarah's brother goes full Dr. Phil and gives Telv hectic relationship advice about how you always sort it out if you love each other, and sometimes you have to apologise even if you didn't think you did anything wrong and holy shit this guy is randomly super wise.
Telv goes to check on her in the bathroom and they just... keep... fightin'.
Sarah's all like 'you can't go to the gym if you're married' and Telv's all like 'I don't... think that's the rules' and Sarah storms out because she's so mad.
Telv tells a producer he's just about "ready to walk out" and she says "really?" and he says... yes.
What if this isn't a joke. What if it's real and the only couple who make it to the end are Ashley and Troy and then they reproduce.
Until tomorrow night.
You can listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast, right here.