It’s the last day of Justin and Carly’s honeymoon and Justin has decided that as a millionaire, it’s time to ‘give back’ to the good people of Vanuatu.
Except Justin didn’t decide that at all.
A producer was wracked with guilt about how many locals Justin had propositioned regarding his (stupid) ice cream maker business, so decided that Justin and Carly should visit a school and give them textas or some sh*t.
As soon as they arrive, Justin starts yelling at the children to behave themselves or they WON’T GET THE TEXTAS that he didn’t even buy, and then says he once read something about the importance of giving back, but you should be careful “not to stretch yourself”.
No... no one ever said that.
The kids go back to living in poverty and Justin goes back to telling as many people as possible that he's a millionaire.
He's having a sunset picnic with his fake wife Ashley, and says at her "I just keep falling more in love with you," which is uncomfortable given it's day three. He then aggressively grabs her chin out of nowhere and kisses her as intensely as he brushes his teeth but much worse.
Ashley, afraid she is being eaten, demands he stop because he is coming on "way too strong" which is a profound understatement.
Troy then reflects that, yeah, he feels disappointed. But mostly for her. And their relationship. Because she be all crazy overreacting about someone kissing her without her consent.
The next day, Ashley suggests they play tennis because Troy won't stop sulking about the time he tried to eat his wife and she wouldn't let him.
Troy is grunting. And trying too hard. And every time Ashley hits a good shot (which is always) he congratulates her and calls her "sweetie". He then complains that he was giving a lot of the tennis compliments and she didn't give him any tennis compliments - despite the fact that he was "clearly the better player".
On an unrelated note, Troy is a 34-YEAR-OLD MAN who just referred to himself as the "better player" in what was MEANT to be a social game of tennis.
In another... place, Nasser and Gab have now been together for two decades and love each other unconditionally.
Because of her wig, Gab is nervous about going for a snorkel, and no one has ever been as compassionate and understanding as Nasser.
Listen: Clare and Jessie discuss all the reasons Gab and Nasser are our favourite goddamn couple. Post continues after audio.
He is the man all of us want but precisely none of us deserve and we cannot.
They snorkel together real slow while Gab gets used to it, and Nasser says that at one point he screamed in happiness because he was so proud of Gab, but also himself, but also us.
This is the best match in Married at First Sight history but we all know it was most definitely an accident. And that's okay.
The next morning Nasser starts yelling at a camera that isn't even on yet, "YES WE HAD SEX IT WAS AMAZING". It's confronting, and to be honest we were certain that's how he and Gab had been spending the entirety of their honeymoon.
Jo and Sean are getting ready to go back to Sydney, and Jo can't close her suitcase because of all the souvenirs she bought for her family but mostly for Karen. She is going to miss Singapore very much.
The plot line of Jo and Sean has become somewhat underwhelming, probably because Sean hasn't spoken since he got fake married, and Jo has started to tap into the fact it's not a good sign.
Quiet down the front.
It's time for the dinner party and Davina is saying things she shouldn't. Ryan is annoyed because as soon as they landed home, Davina said she wanted to swap him for another husband, which is rude and disrespectful to her current fake husband.
"If I don't like you I'm not going to be with you," Davina says, just moments after telling Ryan she doesn't like him. He argues that she's not being entirely... consistent, and she explains that she's obviously hanging around because they're about to meet another group of people.
They end up getting to the dinner party early so Davina can get the best pick of whose husband she is going to steal.
All the couples meet and it's awkward because the dinner party is trying to be a normal social situation but really everyone's there because they chose to get fake married on TV for no reason.
In the middle of introductions, Nasser stops, looks at Gabrielle, and says "You're so gorgeous, you really are. You really are gorgeous. Seriously look at you," and omg Nasser pls.
Meanwhile, Jo and Sean have the body language of a couple who have been together for 40 years and have hated each other for 33 of them. Jo continues to open doors for Sean, and he continues to speak to her like she's an irritating colleague he's complained to HR about.
But no, Jo's excited. Because she's met a rockstar.
John from last season has just arrived with his new fake wife, and Jo has never been so starstruck. She is two seconds off asking him to sign her boobs when a fake waiter with a fake accent announces "dinvar is sarved' as though this is a fancy French restaurant which it most definitely is not.
Davina assures Ryan that she's still committed to the experiment, despite the fact that she's spent every moment away from him telling literally everyone how much she hates him.
She's also decided that right now, while she's sitting next to her current fake husband, is probably the ideal time to start looking for a new fake husband.
Enter: Deano, the single worst nickname we've ever heard for a man named Dean.
Davina likes him because he a) has big hands, b) is not Ryan, and c) is someone else's fake husband.
Oh. Down the other end of the table Ashley has started to straight up mock Troy and he has no idea what to... do. She tells the camera, "I have no idea why I'm trying to stir him up, I guess that it's funny," and why hasn't she brought up the teeth brushing yet.
Troy comments "her humour's improved a lot" and shut up Troy.
Davina thinks it's a good idea to tell some of the other girls about how she likes someone else's fake husband, but she seems to have misjudged how other women with fake partners will react to her casually talking about not respecting fake marriages. Carly responds, "you can't say shit like that" but the producers disagree.
At the dinner table, Nasser has found his gossip soulmate in Sarah, and they do nothing but watch and judge. For a moment, Nasser returns to Gabrielle and says, "Darling I have to give you a kiss. That's all I have to do and then I have to get back to my gossip," and this, in a nutshell, is the type of relationship we've always aspired to.
UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.
Listen to the full episode of our Married at First Sight recap here.
You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook OR join our 'Married at First Sight Lols' Facebook discussion group, where we spend the majority of our time.