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We open on Jack having flashbacks to the final dinner party, where the table (and the nation) learnt that he comes too quickly. Penis-wise.
It’s a fair punishment for a man who has done, quite literally, nothing wrong.
And my Aunty Trish?
As if his night wasn’t already a living nightmare, Dom was then asked if she saw longevity in their relationship and she paused for 15 years.
Okay. So.
Yes, the pause was awkward.
But neither Dom nor Jack seem to be acknowledging what came after the pause???
Which was Dom essentially saying she doesn’t see longevity in their relationship? And she’s always had doubts about their future?? Which feels important?
Side note: Watch the Married At First Sight trailer here. Post continues after video.
Meanwhile, Ella and Mitch are waking up in different rooms, ever since Mitch announced that he's not the kind of partner who:
a) confirms that you're currently in a relationship
b) shows affection, or
c) discusses the future of your... entanglement. Even if you're only looking as far as, say, next week.
"If you want validation, maybe I’m just not the person to give that to you," Mitch shrugs and Sir, that is such a weird tactic.
"My strategy is that when you ask for things I say 'I can't'." It’s honestly like someone in a relationship asking for a cup of tea and the other person yelling ‘WELL I GUESS I'M NOT THE MAN FOR YA.’ Mostly because that's... exactly what's happening here.
"It doesn't matter what I do... I'm never going to be good enough for ya," Mitch says and WHAT MATE YOU'VE DONE LITERALLY NOTHING.
Selina has decided to get her mum Teresa's advice on Cody, also known as the strange man who entered her house, broke her favourite china, laughed awkwardly, and left.
"Let me tell you the truth..." Teresa says and omg yes pls do. "I'm not really impressed, at all. He smashed my f**king cups, Selina. Like a moron. He's clumsy - physically, emotionally, spiritually."
But it's not just about the china, which Teresa will be invoicing for. "I can tell that he's not really into you," she says. "I've seen you love him more than he loves you."
"You deserve better, Selina," she says, which is the truest thing anyone's said in two months.
Over with Ella's family, she's explaining that her husband, Mitch, doesn't want to be "that person who's emotionally supportive".
Sweetie that's not like... an option xxx
Her stepdad takes a breath and responds, "well, that's not fantastic," and okay no these parents are way better experts than the experts in that they know it's all broken.
BUT SHUT UP it is time for Cody and Selina's final decision.
Selina is torn, because on the one hand, Cody:
- Destroyed property in her mother's home,
- Has been generally cruel for a majority of the experiment,
- Lives in a crackden.
But then, on the other hand, he did adopt a sea otter. For her. At the last minute. So maybe he's just misunderstood.
With absolutely no suspense whatsoever, Cody tells Selina he wants to continue their relationship outside the experiment. He has space for her in his crackden, in the corner with the vermin.
"I'd give you a key but there isn't really a point." Selina explains that for most of this experience, she's been stuck in a cycle of confusion about whether her husband actually likes her. We remember the time Cody made her dress up like a swamp monster as a joke, and wonder how on earth any of us have made it to this point.
For reasons we will never understand, Selina goes against her mum's advice and chooses to stay with Cody - a man who is emotionally constipated and best known for repeatedly making terrible decisions.
They tell the cameras they want to buy a house and go travelling and WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IN A POSITION TO ENTER INTO HOME OWNERSHIP? Also, don't buy a property together, that's a truly terrible idea.
BUT HUSH BECAUSE NOW IT'S TIME FOR ELLA AND MITCH.
After four hours of watching Mitch think, we finally arrive at a graveyard (?) at midnight (??) for their final vows.
Like we can see spirits?? Mitch tells the camera that he didn't believe the experts could do their jobs at first, but now he can see what can happen when you match a bunch of couples to start s**t. And, yeah. It's entertaining stuff.
Ella says, "it's so nice to see your face," to which Mitch wants to respond, "I CAN'T BE THE GUY WHO SAYS IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. I CAN'T. IT'S TOO MUCH. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO."
Ella obviously says she'd like to give this relationship a go in the outside world, and in response to Mitch's... silence, she then has to prompt him to retrieve his palm cards.
He says he's come to realise, "I'm not the right person that you're looking for," and, "how can we walk out here as partners, when at the moment I don't see this as a substantial relationship?"
Well. Then.
Just when we think this must be a solid "no, to you, Ella", he says that what he needs is to go back to his life, with his friends and family, and make this decision and Sir with all due respect where have you been this week wasn't that the whole fckn point?
"I know this is not what you want to hear," he says, and that's when we realise he is not only talking to Ella.
He is also speaking to his mortal enemy, John Aiken.
You can't make me do sh*t nanananananana. As a final f**k you to this experiment, he basically says 'Nah you can't make me make a decision lol'.
And again.
If you hate. The premise of this show. Then why. Sign up.
Ella thinks this is all a bit of a cop out, and breaks down in front of the camera. But she also says she's not surprised, given Mitch's ongoing beef with John Aiken.
LAST we have Domenica and Jack, and Jack is standing in a flood zone holding an umbrella and honestly the only thing left to happen in 2022 is that he gets electrocuted and drowns in the lake.
"I'd prefer the local McDonalds?" Domenica makes her way to meet him, and no we're talking 400cms of rain. This is a hazard.
Could we not have moved Jack and Domenica into an indoor location given the torrential rain?
A marquee?
No?
Jack can't stop crying because Domenica's shoes have been ruined by walking through a mud pit.
Finally, she swims to Jack who is at this point basically submerged, and the car? Could we not have moved this to one of the cars even?
Everyone is cold and wet and we cannot hear anything over the rain, but allegedly Jack would like to stay with Domenica, not least because they'll need each other's assistance getting out of this disaster.
Blame climate change, honestly.
Finally, Domenica says that while her feelings aren't as strong as she expected them to be at this point, Jack is one in a million. Just like this weather event.
They kiss, before walking off into the distance.
The final shot is of a deep muddy puddle and a ruined dress and honestly it couldn't be more fitting.
UNTIL NEXT SUNDAY.
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You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.
You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:
Image: Nine Network.
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