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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: A perfectly engineered cheating scandal.

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We open on Matt muttering the words "suns out, guns out" for the seventeenth time since we met him, only three days ago.

We are growing concerned that Matt feels obliged to say that every time the sun is out. Which is often. And Kate's had enough.  

Put them away, Matthew.

But things are even worse on Daniel's honeymoon. He was awoken at 1am last night to his wife Jessica "swearing her head off" about him on the phone. 

"He's this and he's that," Daniel recounts and HE'S WHICH AND HE'S WHAT, DANIEL. WHAT DID SHE SAY, SPECIFICALLY. 

When he confronted Jessica about bitching about him while standing outside his bedroom window (WHY THE F*CK WAS NONE OF THIS FILMED) she said he was a "little bitch" and has "no balls". 

Cool. 

When Jessica is asked by a producer how she feels about their fight last night, she reflects she's not ashamed and he needs to get over it. 

Just a word of wisdom. 

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It's been three days how are things so irreparably broken already it's honestly a world record. 

Weirdly, things seem mostly fine between Carolina and Dion, even though Carolina told her husband the only reason women show any interest in him is because of his money. 

"We gotta keep her comfortable!" Dion says cheerily as he makes her an almond latte that she thinks is disgusting. 

Dion. Dude. Carolina isn’t a client looking to invest in your high rise or some shit.  

'I've put my business card in your luggage.'

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Everyone is excited because tonight is the dinner party. But precisely no one is as excited as Al, who gets to tell everyone about how after Sam bathed and burped him the other night, they had sexual intercourse. 

Matt is also very excited and naturally wants to look his best. 

So he trims his beard. With scissors. Like a sociopath. 

We hate this.

 He then proceeds to spray 16 squirts of perfume on himself before announcing "CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH OF THIS STUFF".

But oh Sir you can. And we know just by looking at you that you do. 

On their way to the dinner party, Matt tells Kate: "I used to have pink hair at one stage".

"Oh," Kate replies, vomiting inside her mouth. 

It's hard for Kate to ask follow-up questions, you see. In that she doesn't care. 

xxxx

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Pretty much every couple has rapidly deteriorated in the lead up to tonight, with Selina and Cody barely on speaking terms. 

Selina asks how he's going after their tough day yesterday, to which he replies, "I'm physically healthy", and mate that is not what she meant and you know it. 

Selina tearfully explains what's on the line for her because in her culture, this whole marriage experiment is frowned upon. And make no mistake, Selina. This is frowned upon in every culture.

On the way to the dinner party, Daniel asks the Uber driver if he could turn the "air con up a bit. I'm actually freezing". And. 

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Jessica tries not to say it. She tries. 

She takes a deep breath. 

Until.

"DON'T YOU MEAN DOWN IF YOU'RE FREEZING," and now their relationship is ruined forever. So. 

"I feel like you dislike me as a human" Daniel says AND ARE YOU COLD OR ARE YOU HOT SIR. 

Everyone starts arriving and okay since when does Mel take notes?? Are you on some sort of 'warning' like Trish was before she mysteriously vanished?

Thank God you're taking notes, Mel. 

Al is barely inside before he starts yelling that he and Sam "what do they call it?? Consumakated the marriage?"

And that is absolutely not what anyone calls it. But congratulations young man. 

But, no.

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He's yelling "ATTENTION". And that can only mean one thing. 

It's. He's making. His shoe is off and now there is a beverage inside it. 

He pretends this is some kind of initiation ritual and Dion is like "Jesus, no" whereas Matt would do literally anything to be accepted by others. He sniffs the shoe. First. Which is of concern. But not as much of a concern as how slowly he sips the beverage from the SAME FCKN SHOE THE LAST SHOEY WAS CONSUMED FROM. 

'I'll sip slowly to really savour the taste.'

Can we just pause. 

We thought Daniel and Jessica couldn't have guests at their wedding because of the global pandemic. Which is fine. But in that case why are adults drinking from other adults' shoes at dinner how is that COVID-safe?

Kate shakes her head, muttering about how they're the token geriatric couple and therefore they shouldn't be doing shoeys. 

And it's like okay. But Al is a child and he wanted a grown up to play his game? 

Al then proceeds to sip from the shoe. To finish. His beverage.

Al. Mum is going to be very disappointed.

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It would appear, however, that Al's shoey was premature. Because suddenly the final couple of the season arrives. Al - perhaps a little tipsy from his bottle shoey - can't seem to get his words out so tells Daniel he likes his teeth. 

Sweetie. We don't tell people we like their teeth. Straight away. When we've just met. And they don't understand that we're... Al. 

Jess immediately launches into her favourite conversation: Everything that is wrong with Daniel and why he is a little bitch.

"He takes things the wrong way," she tells her new friends, elaborating that for some reason when she calls him a little bitch he gets super upset. 

Everyone nods sympathetically. But not Domenica. 

"I don't like her, hey," she tells the camera and yeah sweetie we noticed coz your face kept doing this.

Ahem.

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....

fyi.

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Domenica tries to ask Daniel how he's going in his horrific marriage, and Jess speaks over the top of him to ask whether Carolina has an accent. 

Yes, she has an accent, Jess. She's from Brazil. But we'll get to that. Because right now we're going to need to pick apart your relationship with this man you just met on national television. 

Jess tells Domenica she's "over" this conversation and DUDE YOU JUST GOT HERE. 

"Did I miss something?" Jess asks the cameras. "Is she the fourth expert?" 

Ummm obviously not but she has a lot of opinions, so. And Domenica is also the people's hero ever since she noticed Andrew was like a shitty, Texan version of Tony Robbins.

Domenica tells Jess she's being "childish" which Daniel likes very much, given that he has been broken (spiritually) by this woman.

'I'm really cold. I mean hot. Turn the weather up.'

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Meanwhile, Cody is sharing with the other end of the table that this week has probably been the worst so far and it must have been pretty bad given that two weeks ago you were openly racist.

Cody says the relationship might be over and Selina starts crying, which Cody finds annoying tbh. 

But this drama is short-lived because suddenly Anthony is telling the table about the time Selin said his hygiene wasn't up to scratch. It's a hectic accusation but also in what way is he unhygienic does he not shower tell us immediately. 

The fight has escalated. It has now become specific but most importantly, petty. 

You see, Anthony went and got Selin McDonalds in the rain. Which we love for multiple reasons. But then apparently he sent her the receipt along with his bank details. And look. It is broadly accepted that McDonalds isn't a 'transfer me later' type of... meal.

Dude is this the hill you're willing to die on?

Unfortunately we run out of time to explore this urgent issue, because Domenica has started calling Jess a "petulant child" and demanding she go sort things out with her husband. 

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But Jessica can't talk to him because they don't get along. 

Domenica is having none of it. "GIVE US AN EXAMPLE IS HE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE?" she yells and okay a guy doesn't have to literally be abusive for you to not be interested but... nevermind. 

At this point Domenica gets everyone to put their hand up if they haven’t been getting along with their partner and everyone’s like "OH YEAH F*CK I HATE MY PARTNER BUT I'M HERE FOR THE BRAND COLLABORATIONS ON INSTA". 

Obviously?

Jessica storms out, probably to go and clarify how long she'll have to stay on the show in order to secure a campaign with HiSmile. 

Somehow, Carolina and Daniel have struck up a conversation and oh no.

"I asked for a tall guy..." Carolina tells the man opposite her, who is significantly taller than her husband, who is currently wearing high heels. "My husband doesn't like to work out..."

Carolina asks if Daniel were to pick someone more his type who would it be and... well. He points straight to her. 

"Sometimes I think the matches are… interesting," Daniel says and YEAH NO SH*T LIKE HOW THEY'RE MADE UP TO SECURE AN AUDIENCE OF APPROXIMATELY 1.5 MILLION AUSTRALIANS EVERY EVENING.

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Until Sunday night!

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: 'You couldn't script this sh*t'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: We have feelings about the bride who ran three hours late.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: A burning question for Brent and Tamara.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The most manipulative night we've seen on television. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Andrew needs to be stopped. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: The groom's decision that 'doesn't make any sense'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.

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