The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The most manipulative night we've seen on television.

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It’s the night of the dinner party, where a random group of strangers come together to talk about their dysfunctional marriages while three experts sit in a cupboard and watch. 

Alessandra explains that it can be "incredibly confronting and intimidating" for the couples to meet up and compare themselves to others, which begs the question: then why is this a mandatory part of the experiment, Lady. 

Selin has decided she was wrong to yell at Anthony. Instead, she's realised it’s far more effective to encourage him to trust her, and then make him look silly by giving him a spray tan and an ugly hairdo. It’s a personal joke, to herself, and she thinks it’s hilarious. 

Haha.

But none of that matters because there’s a literal war taking place. Russia plans to invade the Ukraine oh goodness sorry no wrong war. Holly is really very angry with Andrew, and thinks he “cares more about his reputation than anything else,” and yeah hi Holly, welcome to reality television, nice to have you. 

Andrew tells the camera he plans to give Holly a hug when he sees her and Sir as your military advisors may we strongly recommend you... do not do that. 

In Tamara and Brent’s apartment, there’s a heated fight taking place because yeah, Brent had the TV up too loud. For some reason the footage of the argument is terrible quality, as though a producer suddenly noticed what was happening and pulled out their phone to ensure we didn’t miss it. Honestly, thank you for your service.

Is this... legal.  As they arrive at the dinner party, Brent maintains Tamara called him a "c*nt" when she asked him to turn the TV down, and despite her insistence that she didn’t, we’ve never been more certain in our lives that that’s exactly what happened.

The next few couples arrive and expert Mel comments, "I’m loving the energy tonight!" We don’t mean to be rude but literally two seconds ago a couple were yelling about alleged use of the word c*nt. 

But shut the f*ck up because Andrew has arrived swinging his big Texan d*ck and... the weirdest thing is happening. 

xxxx 

'Who is she? Have I met her?' 

'And Andrew isn't too much at all.' It’s... everyone. They’re... siding with him. And agreeing that yeah, Holly is kinda crazy. And maybe she was a sh*t root. And Andrew was just being honest. Which he’s been accountable for. So. 

Olivia remarks that Holly was rolling her eyes at the Commitment Ceremony and ARE U POSSESSED WE THOUGHT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE NORMAL.

"You were very respectful in what you said and that wasn’t reciprocated," Tamara adds and okay when you have a known psychopath supporting your behaviour you know there’s a problem. 

The experts are horrified. 

"Were these women in the same room as us?" Mel asks AND WE DON’T KNOW MEL YOU TELL US. 

Andrew starts crying and gets a group hug and what the FUCK are we watching. 

'It just hurts.' "I felt the energy that they wanted to go after Holly," he says, after having bitched about her publicly for several minutes. "That’s a reflection of Holly, not me."

But, oh. 

It's Holly. She's dancing her way into the room and we just don't think it's going to help her cause.

She refuses to face Andrew or say hi to him, which he uses as further evidence that she really is - how shall he put this - crazy. 

The women surround Holly and demand to know why she didn't say hi to the man who a) spent most of the last dinner party explaining to the whole group why Holly was bad in bed, b) needed the whole country to know he's slept with 350 women (in multiple continents) and c) called her a narcissist roughly 12 hours ago. 

I need you to understand how American he is. "Make the point girl, spit it out, tell us," Olivia says and WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS OLIVIA.

We are screaming.

But Holly. Please. We know you speak like you’re the head of HR but right now we need you to be CLEAR and CONCISE. But she simply cannot.

Dinner is 'sarved' and Holly loudly drags her chair from beside Andrew to the other end of the table. But the women. Are annoyed. At Holly. For not being nicer to the man who has been cruel to her for two full weeks. 

"That's how it's been the entire time..." Andrew says and NO IT HASN'T WE'VE ALL BEEN WATCHING WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

As Holly's trying to explain her anger with Andrew, Olivia interrupts. 

"I just want to see you be the bigger person," she says and OH MY GOD WE ARE SO FRUSTRATED.

Holly we're going to need you to be more specific in your examples. Of why you hate Andrew. 

"He does not listen to me..." she says and no Holly you’re not expressing accurately how bad he is.

"But why don’t we see that side of him?" Olivia asks, and IT'S BECAUSE HE'S MANIPULATIVE ARGJKJKLJASDKLAJSDA.

Have I personally been married to him? No. But I thinkkk I understand your experience more than you do.  "He throws insults..." Holly continues but everyone's like: um, you moved your chair. So. Who's really done the wrong thing here.

But this whole time, there's been a quiet presence lurking in the background. Watching. Judging. Understanding. 

And it's Domenica. 

'He does sound like he's straight off a self help podcast.' She can clearly see the problem here. "As much as Holly is a lot," she says, "she's seen something we haven't." 

"I think we’re all a bit blinded by his beautiful, I’m Tony Robbins bullsh*t," she says and LADY THIS IS FEMINISM. THIS IS WHAT THE SUFFRAGETES FOUGHT FOR. 

Sitting opposite Andrew, Domenica comments, "yeah dude there's probably more here hey," which makes us yell at our televisions with glee. 

But Andrew is confused. It's quite simple. Holly is... crazy? Haven't you seen how crazy she's being? And he is composed. Probably because he hasn't been called any disparaging names in the last 24 hours.

"I took the blame… that’s what a leader does," Andrew says but no. Domenica's not buying it.

"He's a bit of a bullsh*t artist," she tells the camera and we've honestly never been so proud of the female instinct to smell a guy who's a bit of a wanker.

Pause. There's been an accident. It's Al. He spilt his wine, and he's scared Sam is going to get mad at him. 

But of course Sam isn't mad! He's just a baby. He doesn't mean it!

"If I was angry at Al for every little inconvenience, every little slip up, I’d be angry all the time," she says and this relationship is so problematic we don't even know where to start.  

Suddenly, Mitch has lost it. Ella shares her thoughts about intimacy week and wanting to establish a deeper connection, and Mitch responds with "who the f*ck cares."

"It's been two f*cking weeks wtf." 

What a strange turn of events. She mentions that when he says he doesn't want to be here (umm can we watch those conversations pls), "I can't help but think it has to do with me."

But Mitch has devolved into a demon. 

"That’s your own f*cking problem for being insecure," he says and... what.

"I’ve already had sex with ya. You’re on my f*ck board. Done."

This is so... strange.

Perhaps there's something in the wine because Brent and Tamara are also having a public fight in front of Sam and Al. 

Al's trying to listen and understand but he can't relate with the fact that Tamara is a 'tyrant.' Al's mum (Sam) isn't like that. She's nice and gentle and encouraging. 

???? Trying to get involved, Al asks: "Tamara, what's your problem with Brent?" and sweetie. 

As a rule. We don't ask someone. At dinner. What their problem is. With their husband. It’s upsetting and inflammatory.

Suddenly Tamara is crying and Brent's angry because she's upset in front of the table but called him a c*nt in private. Vibes. 

But oh no.

Al's just noticed what's happened with Andrew and Holly. "THEY’RE NOT EVEN SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER!" he yells and Al, please. We're past that. 

He takes Holly aside which is kind but Holly's gone full HR. To Al. About sex.

'I think this is a conversation for grown ups.' She's giving him advice about how to show physical affection to Sam, but he wants to go back to the table now because he's scared.

Luckily, Anthony goes to rescue Al talk to Holly and asks her how she’s feeling. She explains she's feeling "emotionally unsafe," which again - we need CLARITY Holly.

In the twist of the season, Selin is kind to Holly and brings Andrew over to have a calm conversation. About their marriage. And how it's broken. And damaging. Not just for them but anyone who happens to be in their vicinity. 

"I feel like they need a professional to really intervene in their relationship," Selin says and umm okay there are three on standby but they're really busy in their cupboard doing nothing. So. It's not a great time.

We're clearly preoccupied? Holly refuses to look at Andrew or let him speak to her and eventually yells that he should've gone home.

Andrew decides he's quite tired, after such a big night of manipulating. So yeah, he's going to leave.

At this point, Holly has started imitating his accent and the extent to which this marriage has brought out the worst in two human beings is honestly impressive.

UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. 

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Andrew needs to be stopped. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: The groom's decision that 'doesn't make any sense'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.