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Continuing on in the tradition of last night's episode, we open on things about which we do not care.
Dom and Jack laying in a park, for example. Ella and Mitch are fishing. Mitch proceeding to catch a piece of seaweed.
Literally no one cares.
Thankfully, we're shown a shot of Brent and Tamara's door sign on the floor and this. This is what we're here for do you understand.
We're told Brent ripped the sign off which seems dramatic, but then we remember Tamara. And her general... vibe.
She's currently yelling that she's given up a lot to be here, whereas she can't say the same for Brent. Mostly because he has a job in hospitality and is therefore worth significantly less, as a human.
It's time for Liv and Jackson's final date and:
a) Why didn't we see this last night when we got everyone else's boring dates, and
b) We don't care
Hurry... up.
Jackson is excited to show his romantic side and dear God we are not excited about that at all.
As we said last night, do that in private. Because if we wanted to see panning shots of white roses we wouldn't be... here. Watching a show that currently has two (2) legal cases pending between contestants.
"My ex didn't get along with my friends," Jackson says to Olivia over dinner. "She treated them pretty terribly..." and yessss Jackson that's more like it.
You see, Jackson wants to suss out whether his fake wife, who previously cut up a bridesmaid's dress with her bare hands, might have trouble getting along with his friends.
"I have had issues with boyfriend's friends in the past," Liv says. "I just won't want to be around them," she explains and lady can you pretend to be easy going for literally 35 seconds.
Liv: No.
But SHUT THE F**K UP because it's boiz night and gewls night even though none of these people should ethically or spiritually be allowed in a room together.
In a weird turn of events, the girls' night is being held at the restaurant Brent co-manages. But there's a problem. Because just like Tamara doesn't believe in sea lions, she doesn't believe in... management positions. In the hospitality industry. Broadly.
She tells Ella that Brent tries to say he's a restauranteur but "he probably just waits tables" and is "making up s**t to sound good".
"He's just a hospo person," she explains, within earshot of the staff member pouring her wine who is probably like lol ok.
'It's actually super difficult to go to a restaurant if no one works in hospitality. So.'
The women are being generally respectful to each other when Selin arrives, and behaves exactly how we imagine we would if we found ourselves at this table. Surrounded by this much gossip.
"I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THIS RETREAT," she yells, having not yet taken her seat.
A few of the women mutter that they don't want to talk about it, and Domenica gets flashbacks to the time she broke a wine glass and embarrassed her ancestors.
It has destroyed my soul.
But Selin is confused. Why is no one... telling her. What happened. Even though she knows? She just wants to hear it from the people involved? So they'll start fighting? Live?
"HELLLLLLOOOOOO GUUUUUYSSSSS," she shouts.
"GUYS. R U NOT HEARING ME."
Okay. This woman is... everything. We love her unconditionally. Her shameless attempt to start s**t is deeply appreciated.
Suddenly she's clanging glasses together as though she's preparing to give a speech except she doesn't have a speech she just wants the gossip.
Selin yells that it's disrespectful that everyone's turning their back on her when she's VERY POLITELY asking everyone to relive their trauma for her, and also the nation.
"IT'S CHILDISH. NO ONE'S HEARING ME?" she shouts and we've honestly never seen someone work this hard for gossip.
'I didn't come here for a wine and some share plates.'
Given that she's so far been unsuccessful in triggering a fight between the group, Selin decides she'll simply create one herself.
She suddenly calls them all "b*tches" who are "rude" for not assisting in her clear quest for gossip, and Tamara loses it.
"YOU HAVEN’T BEEN THROUGH WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH," she yells at Selin, who replies that Tamara should just "keep yelling like you do to Brent".
"I’VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT," Tamara shouts. "SUCH AS BEING MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO WORKS IN HOSPITALITY. DO U KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS."
As the fight dies down, Tamara starts b*tching about Selin while she's in earshot, eating a taco, and no this is everything we've ever wanted.
?
One sec.
I'll be with you in a moment.
As Jess arrives, a few of the women discuss how to gently and tactfully tell her that her former fake husband had a cheating scandal with another contestant.
But the moment she sits down, Selin yells, "WHEN DID THE CHEATING HAPPEN?" and omg this is a woman who has no time for bulls**t.
"Oh, did she not know?" Selin says with the tone of someone who does not, even remotely, care.
Much to the disappointment of the group, Jess is... fine. Mostly because she broke Daniel, psychologically, and so it's probably a relief that she's not the worst villain in this situation.
Over at the boys' night, Al has done the worm on the dirty pub floor and we've never been more certain that someone has COVID. But that's the least of anyone's worries.
Because Daniel has arrived.
'She said I can't invite you to my party.'
It's awkward because he wasn't in the experiment long enough to form any friendships, so he's literally having a beer with a group of men who openly hate him.
Daniel explains that he's still with Carolina, but Dion interrupts. "I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU A COUPLE OF LESSONS IN LIFE," he says and eugh. Like we get it, you got cheated on, but must you sound like such a... real estate agent. Always?
"Carolina threw away a diamond, and she picked up a rock," he proclaims.
Despite the producers definitely trying to make this into a 'moment', it ain't it. Because nearby, Selin is working harder than Kris Jenner to start s**t and this is just one of the many ways in which women are better than men.
At the girls' night, Kate alerts the group "GUYS, CAROLINA'S HERE" but no one moves.
Tamara decides to challenge Carolina about a text message she sent to Dion, that apologised for any "hard feelings," and reminded him it was "just a TV show".
"THAT’S INSENSITIVE TO ALL OF US WHO HAVE BEEN THOUGH S**T," Tamara yells and okay, pause.
'You don't know my struggle.'
Sweetie. Can we just clarify that your trauma is that you were matched with a man who you (mistakenly) think waits tables? Because you seem very upset. About your time. Here.
Back at the boys' night, Daniel is awkwardly trying to make conversation with a group of strange men.
Al asks him if he's in love, and Daniel responds that it hasn't been long enough for that.
"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THAT P***Y HEY BRUH," Mitch yells.
Look. We hadn't wanted to say anything but ever since the boys' night started, Mitch hasn't made any sense. Verbally.
"YOU'RE NOT WIGGIN' ARE YA BRUH?" Mitch shouts and what. What are you saying Sir.
"YOU'RE A CLOWN PEASANT," he continues. At this point, Daniel decides to leave because he can't have a fight with a man whom he does not understand.
UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.
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You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.
You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:
Image: Nine Network.
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