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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.

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We open on Domenica announcing to her husband that she feels really good after talking to the experts, and by that she means yelling at them she wanted period sex. 

"I reckon we were the most open," Domenica yells and yeah sweetie you told John Aiken how you were bleeding from the vagina. You were absolutely the most open.

"Any more open and I think you might have been arrested x" All the couples are bonding over their shared horror that both Holly and Andrew wrote ‘stay’, despite their palpable hatred of one another. But luckily, Andrew is having the private realisation that every relationship he’s had might have failed because of him and… no shit. You literally just shout at them how many people you’ve slept with and if they’d like to try pegging now or later. 

But Andrew and Holly aren’t the only couple having issues. Last night, the experts told Sam to stop behaving like Al’s mother, and while that might sound like great advice, she is currently watching Al consume milk that has been off for four days. Does it smell funky? Absolutely. But Al insists his general rule is he’ll drink it before it starts curdling and WHO is going to look after him when he’s s**tting himself at 2am, Alessandra? Sam. That’s who. 

??? For reasons we don’t fully understand, due to a profound lack of context, Tamara and Brent’s relationship has also blown up. Brent mumbles something about Tamara hating how she’s been portrayed and then removes his microphone which feels like a violation of our human rights as viewers but nevermind.

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Given how well everyone’s relationships are progressing, Alessandra announces that it is INTIMACY WEEK aka F*CK FEST and, yeah, Domenica is suitably aroused. 

We cut to a montage of every woman in the experiment sharing how often they self pleasure and while we are absolutely sex positive, it’s also 7:50pm on a Monday night and the toddlers about undoubtedly have questions. 

Alessandra sends each couple a box full of sex toys, before making a personal visit to Cody and Selina’s apartment.

She asks Selina what can be done to repair their broken relationship, and Selina’s all like maybe don’t match me with a guy who’s not into Asian women idk idk. Alessandra calmly suggests that Selina just gets the f**k over it before disappearing in a puff of smoke. 

"Have you tried not being so hurt?" Unfortunately, over in Domenica and Jack’s apartment, things are deteriorating. 

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Jack has discovered the box of sex toys. “It’s like Christmas,” he tells the camera. “But with stuff that goes in you.”

And then Jack loses his mind.

 

 

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"In the box." It appears that Jack has been drugged. By his wife who wants him to want to jump her, sexually, on the hour every hour. And now Jack has had an unfortunate adverse reaction and appears to be hallucinating.

But this is all very offensive to Domenica. 

You see, it’s f**k fest Intimacy Week. And Jack doesn’t seem to be taking butt plugs very seriously at all. 

He keeps giggling and playing with a novelty sized feather he found in the sex toy box but Domenica wants to talk seriously about anal. 

"Do you?" Well.

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We cannot think of anything more embarrassing than fighting about sex one week into a relationship.

Eventually, Domenica shares that every time Jack isn’t currently having sex with her she worries he doesn’t find her attractive. Like, for example, why aren’t they having sex now. Or now. Or how about right now

Jack tries to explain that sometimes he needs breakfast and toilet breaks but also to not be having sex and Domenica is shook. He insists that sex should be fun rather than something you constantly fight about because one party keeps shouting “R U NOT CURRENTLY F**KING ME COZ I’M UGLY” and slowly, Domenica starts to understand. She agrees that butt plugs can be pretty funny and they resolve their differences. 

Meanwhile, Andrew has called Anthony over for some relationship help and if this isn’t THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND. 

Anthony’s wife literally won’t let him inside the apartment they’re meant to share. So. 

"My wife loves it when the door is locked and I'm not inside. With her." But Andrew likes finding people to talk at, and Anthony does have a lot of free time given he’s in a marriage experiment with a woman who is hiding from him. Anthony listens politely as Andrew explains how he’s going to fix things with Holly. Anthony suggests that maybe it would be nice to hear what his wife has to say, but no. Andrew enjoys their relationship much more when he’s talking. 

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For a moment, it seems like Andrew might actually take on Anthony’s advice.

When he arrives at Holly’s apartment he says “I’ve done enough talking,” and allows her to speak for 15 seconds before whipping out his keynote speech he typed up in the notes app on his phone and demanding that she SIT.

"And no interrupting. It's rude." AHEM. 

“I’m telling you something I’ve never told anyone,” he begins and dude you literally said the same thing before you announced you’d had 350 sexual partners and are basically a walking, talking, Texan STI.

He reveals that his greatest fear is rejection and he has abandonment issues and like fckn same? Still doesn't mean you tell people they’re a s**t root? On the television?

“I trust you and you are worth the fight,” he says and dear God he’s still going.

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"I get the gist." When he finally pauses for applause, Holly thanks him but says she still wants to live separately. Probably due to his vigorous and unrelenting masturbation.

Cool.

Things are getting a little tense between Al and Sam ever since an anonymous letter arrived demanding that they make out for five minutes. 

Sam says she refuses to do it, because last night she tried to make a move on Al and instead of following her to bed, he finished his movie. 

OK. In Al’s defence he might still be scared about the bleeding monthly thing he only learned last week from Domenica.

"What is a man to do??" Sam feels like Al only does things when anonymous letters tell him to which honestly is a uniquely problematic trait that could land someone in all sorts of trouble. 

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Al doesn’t seem to understand that relationships aren’t just a series of tasks given to you by Alessandra. And, again. In his defence that is confusing. 

Al decides he’s not going to finish his movie next time. Unless it’s a really good movie. In which case he might. 

And the fact we now feel rather warmly towards Al is indicative of just how shockingly low the bar has fallen.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. 

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: The groom's decision that 'doesn't make any sense'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.

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