reality tv

The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "I gave up my whole life to be a laughing stock."

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We open on Liv who has somehow descended even deeper into her downward spiral. 

"Jackson was TAKEN from me", she says as though Jackson was murdered by a violent gang and OK he went next door for a single night let's not exaggerate. 

Someone (likely John Aiken) yells that Liv ought to be grateful to John Aiken for everything this experiment has given her (??) and so ultimately she decides to stay which is boring for us. 

We then learn that this episode will be about final dates and PLEASE DEAR GOD, NO. We are not - and have never been - here for the relationships. We do not need a final date unless that date is between Liv and Domenica. In which case, proceed. 

'Maybe just gently inquire about how her night without Jackson went, for example.' 

But this episode instead becomes a compilation of things we do not care about, including but not limited to:

- People opening envelopes and reading aloud 

- Flashbacks of content we watched not even a week ago 

- Scenery 

- Two adults struggling to push a jetski into a body of water for upwards of four minutes

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First up are Jack and Domenica, and Jack has organised an Italian themed date, which we can only assume means attending an Italian restaurant. Or, Crust Pizza, perhaps. 

Meanwhile, Cody and Selina are going on a hot air balloon and we do not at all trust a prankster like Cody in a hot air balloon. Not for a moment. 

This is why we hate practical jokes.

We watch as a picnic basket held by a large balloon flies up into the sky and this is ridiculous none of it should work and we feel as though Cody is about to slash the balloon with a knife as a practical joke and many people will die. 

Selina says that she told Cody she wanted to go hot air ballooning weeks ago and he remembered. 

Narrator: Cody did not remember. He had nothing to do with this date.

She then yells "That's cute you brought champagne!!"

Narrator: Cody did not bring champagne. He does not know where it came from.

After their flight in a picnic basket, Selina decides to ask Cody about their future. 

She asks if he will "fight for her" and sweet girl how do we put this.

You need to get that checked out. Immediately.

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If you were 15 metres away. And Cody had to move 15 metres to be with you. He wouldn't move the 15 metres. 

Do with that what you will.

He's all like "WELL WHAT DO U EVEN WANT" and refuses to answer any perfectly legitimate questions, so Selina walks away from their lovely meal shouting "f**k this".

And Cody if you continue your glass of wine we will SCREAM. 

Cody continues his glass of wine before tasting some of his meal and Sir, the date is over how much clearer can the woman be. 

Eventually he pursues her, and Selina says she'll move to Sydney for Cody and um we're sorry but you are not going back to that crackden? It's unsafe??

Selina, no. It's a health hazard.

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At another undisclosed location, Ella and Mitch are pushing a jetski into the water and this footage should have been cut. From the final edit. So. 

We're bored and we're angry because this entire episode is wasting our time and we could be doing something more productive, like watching something else.

In a shocking twist, watching people jetski isn't interesting. And listening to people yell on the back of a jetski isn't good audio. 

Afterwards, they sit down at a random table and Ella asks, "I know we're married but are you my boyfriend yes or no lol". 

Mitch says there's no way to know that right now and we've never been so bored in our entire lives let this end. 

EUGH someone bring out the honeymoon box.

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Mitch concludes "I've said as much as I can say" even though he has so far said nothing.

Speaking of things we don't care about, Domenica and Jack in a fake Italy. Can be included. On that list. 

They get into a silly small car, and if we wanted to watch people drive a car we'd watch Top Gear. But we don't. So why are we watching two people drive a car. During prime time. 

Before we know it we're watching a fake Italian man play a small guitar and sing and Domenica and Jack are dancing and we've never been so angry at the television before. We don't want any of this. What part of 'we like shows where people do bad things to each other' do these people not understand???

???

"Tonight was one of the most romantic nights I've ever had in my life," Jack says and OK well have that in private? How's that for an idea? 

Tamara and Brent find themselves on a yacht having a three course meal which is awkward because Tamara hates hospitality staff. 

They talk about their regrets, at which point Tamara announces that Brent's ego is a problem. When Brent's feelings are hurt, she argues, it's because of his own insecurities. Not because Tamara called him poor, for example. 

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Brent suggests that Tamara has been quite moody lately, and she says that's just because she hasn't wanted to be here. Because she hates him. Hence being in a bad mood. 

Brent storms out and tells the camera that he "gave up [his] whole life" to be the "laughing stock in someone else's story" and with all due respect is that not in the fine print. When you sign the reality TV contract. 

(Yes). 

Tamara yells, "He calls himself a restaurant expert or some s**t. I'm sorry. But you wait tables. That's what you do. Own it." And we watch as a lone plate of canapes is hurled from the yacht in the direction of Tamara's head by hospitality staff who have had e-fckn-nough.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:

Image: Nine Network. 

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