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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "Everybody else here knows but you."

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Well. 

This episode looks like it won't be wasting our time. So. We'll allow it.

We open on Cody comforting Selina who feels terrible about the whole nude photo scandal, specifically how she saw the image and didn't tell Domenica straight away. Cody nods empathetically, understanding why his wife would feel so bad, and dude you were literally one of the worst behaved people this is your cue to apologise to Domenica yourself?? 

"Personally, I'd be ashamed."

Selina buys Domenica a gift and knocks on her door and WE GUESS CODY HAS OTHER PLACES TO BE? SUCH AS CHASING RODENTS OUT OF HIS CRACK DEN? 

She admits she was wrong and expresses how sorry she is for hurting Domenica. She seems to only now be discovering that perhaps this experiment has brought out the worst in everyone yeah sweetie that's been its only mission. For three months. 

But pause.

Because now that Olivia has had some time to really think, she can confirm she is definitely not sorry for the time she shared Domenica's nude photos with eight people for a laugh. (We didn't need the update. We... we assumed).

IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL DINNER PARTY and Domenica is wearing a literal ballgown because upon reflection this event really lacks a dress code. 

"I'm going to miss the arguing," Mitch says sadly in the car on the way there and omg no same Mitch we're really stressed.

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As everyone begins to arrive, John Aiken makes an observation.

"They really don't like each other" he says about Domenica and Olivia and Sir. No matter how much you're being paid, we'd like it on the record that it is too much. 

You need to be paid less x

The mingling is interrupted by a waiter, who has likely spent the last eight weeks being verbally and physically abused by Tamara. 

"Ladies, gentleman, dinner, surved," he mumbles and holy shit he doesn't even have the energy to speak in full sentences anymore. 

Once they're seated, Ella suggests they all get some things off their chest which frankly sounds like a terrible idea. 

The table learns that Selina apologised to Domenica, and Tamara's all like dude why did you apologise and Selina's whispering I didn't want to leave here with any regrets and Tamara's like you didn't need to do that tho and guys we can literally all hear you. 

That's when something clicks in Cody's head.

Maybe, when he was herding rats in his crack den, HE should have been apologising to Domenica for the time he brought up her naked photos at the dinner table. 

Yeah no sh*t.

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Cody - who has openly said he doesn't understand relationships/feelings/people/the world he lives in - manages to say sorry, while everyone else is like 'nah I stand by distributing that naked photo behind her back I think it was a good but also noble thing to do'. 

As Domenica accepts the apology, Liv thinks that's enough reconciliation for one night and asks that the table "wrap it up" coz she's a bit over it. 

But Brent would also like to apologise. Because Brent is hot in our professional opinion and honestly we have not discussed that nearly enough this season.

While Domenica processes her numerous apologies, Tamara says to Liv "like... I wouldn't create an OnlyFans either" and, lady, AGAIN Domenica is right there and you are speaking exceptionally loudly. 

"All of that stuff I said within earshot was private."

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Domenica explains that it's difficult to sort through her apologies while being slut shamed in such close proximity, to which Liv insists she DOESN'T WANT TO BE PART OF THIS CONVERSATION. Which would be fine. If you just... lowered your voices. And bitched quieter. At the table. 

It's at this point Brent asks about the Girl's Night which is an appalling idea. 

Tamara explains that Selin accused her of always screaming at Brent and leading him on and Brent is like 'yeah the woman speaks the truth what's the drama'. 

Well.

Domenica quotes verbatim what Tamara said about how she doesn't know what Brent does for work but she's pretty sure he serves tables. Which is awkward. Because as previously discussed, Tamara hates people who waits tables. They're yuck but also poor and that's why every time Tamara goes out for dinner her main comes with a side of spit. 

Tamara explains that she wasn't being mean. She just genuinely doesn't know what her husband of three months does for a living, because every time he tries to explain, she's too busy throwing coffee in his face because it's not hot enough. 

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Jack mutters under his breath "he manages venues in the hospitality industry" and everyone nods. 

Look.

In Tamara's defence, we don't understand what 90 per cent of people do for a living. Particularly people in... finance. Or business. Or finance business. 

But hospitality manager we get. Even we get that.

"The hospitality industry refers to food and drink service, event planning, hotels..."

 Brent throws his ring at her and storms out shouting "Everybody else here knows but you" and Tamara's like "WELL THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD SERVICE" (okay not really but we can imagine that's what she wants to say).

As the table settles, Olivia calmly tells Domenica that she is "the most awful person". 

But Domenica says she is not.

But then Olivia says you are.

But then Domenica says I'm not.

And so on. 

And then Olivia starts laughing which is honestly quite unusual. 

"What are you gonna do about it?" she asks and OK ARE WE FIVE (maybe).

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"You seem bothered" she says to Domenica.

"I'm not bothered," Domenica replies.

"Really, you seem bothered". 

Then things deteriorate.

"Glad for you then".

"Great".

"Fantastic". 

And no what is anyone even talking about anymore you lost us at 'the most awful person' part. 

"I'm gonna tell John Aiken you swore."

That's when Olivia decides to tell the table about the time six weeks ago when Domenica told everyone Jack "can't f**k you right because he comes too quickly" and holy hell Domenica's wearing a ball gown may we have some decorum. 

Jack finds it... difficult... at this point... to defend... the woman who has publicly defamed his... penis and Olivia is very proud of the havoc she has generally caused. 

Now that everyone has already been fighting for 56 minutes, the experts decide to deliver some boxes and ask if anyone minds if they stay for dessert maybe (yes people mind). 

Jack asks Domenica, "Do you see longevity in this relationship?" at which point Domenica pauses for eternity hoping that Jack might die before she has to answer.

"Eventually his heart has to stop beating."

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But really, Domenica is just thinking. 

About how best to say absolutely fckn not. 

This bizarre game of adult truth or dare continues, with Olivia asking Jackson if he thinks she might be more in to him than he is into her.

He says yeah probs lol before the group moves on to Ella and Mitch. 

"Do you think I know what it takes to have a long term committed relationship with you?" Mitch asks and Ella reasons probably... like... not. 

She explains that all she wants to know is whether they're leaving in a relationship and Mitch is all "if you want someone who loves you/reassures you/says nice things/commits to you THEN I'M NOT THE GUY FOR YOU". Which is a shame. 

Ella storms out in tears and we literally dare you to identify one couple not in crisis. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:

Image: Nine Network. 

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