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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "Sorry, can we see that footage again?"

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WE OPEN ON A THUNDERSTORM WHICH OUR YEAR NINE ENGLISH TEACHER WOULD SAY IS A PATHETIC FALLACY BUT ALSO FORESHADOWING. 

Yes we have taken to analysing the profound cultural text that is Married at First Sight because it is our very favourite thing in the world right now.

It's the final episode and Mel is vastly overdressed which is uncomfortable for everyone. 

"It's too much isn't it." To distract from Mel's sleeves, Alessandra encourages the contestants to focus on how they've grown and what they've learned and sweetie. 

You haven't attended one of these before. Tonight is about neither of those things. 

We open on a montage of everyone getting married. It becomes clear that Beth can see the humour in Russell now that they're no longer together. 

But while she respects their reasons for casting him, she still resents their decision to match him with... her. Which was cruel. And an insult to single women in their 30s, generally.

The first couple up are Kerry and Johnny simply because they are the most boring. 

"It was honestly quite distracting at first." Johnny says "I love you" for the first time and like yeah, cute, but does Sir John Aiken have a salacious video?? And where is it? Can he show it? On his suspiciously placed television?? 

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But alas, no. They're... fine.

The mood shifts, and suddenly there's music playing that we swear was in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 

It's time for Cameron and Samantha.

And look. The problem is, we're not invested anymore. This happened like seven years ago now. 

We watch a compilation of everything that happened between Cameron and Coco in the experiment, while also watching the expressions of all the other contestants, and guys pls we knew this was happening a really long time ago.

"Less shocked now. Given it's been 6 months." John Aiken spends the proceeding three hours trying to make Coco admit she cheated, and Sir why is this the hill you're willing to die on?? These two people were stuck in terrible fake marriages that you 100 per cent created as a joke?

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Furthermore, why are you only watching this footage now?

Who would allow such a thing to continue. But John Aiken, the Judge of Cheating, insists Coco's behaviour was cheating but he is still not done. 

On behalf of the experts but also the nation at large, he would like the tea from outside the experiment. He asks if they "caught up" outside and, yes. 

They slept together, John. 

Shut up Bryce. Sam ultimately tells the experts that "apart from my husband, I had the best experience," and... wot.

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Was it the yelling at the dinner party or the watching of the physical assault that was the highlight? For you personally? 

Next up are Jason and Alana and may we just say, the recap packages are a little much.

Everyone in the room tells Alana and Jason how beautiful their relationship looks on the TV and guys. Need we remind you all that it's also fundamentally broken. 

Alana would like it on the record that the sex was good, and yes darling. Your school principal and colleagues but also your students are all well and truly across that detail. 

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We. Are. Across. It.  

Orally.  HUSH NOW IT'S LIAM AND GEORGIA AND QUICK SIT DOWN WE ARE READY FOR YOU. 

Via the extensive recap package, we're reminded of the weird time Liam said his family wouldn't accept Georgia. 

The whole group then watch Liam and Georgia's final vows and they're all very impressed with the drama and the way it will really divide the nation and boost ratings as a whole.

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"I'd already like to send that man an angry Instagram DM." Ultimately, they thank the experts who manufactured this traumatic experience.

But now it's time.

The moment we've been waiting months for. 

It's Melissa and Bryce. 

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Everyone's really excited to watch the blockbuster movie that is Bryce and Melissa's relationship.

We watch Sam say, "You've got the personality of a doormat. And that's an insult to doormats," a remark which we recite with him because we shan't ever forget it. 

Enter: The secret girlfriend rumour.

Beck and Jake's relationship might be over but goddammit you better believe they're still whispering about Melissa and Bryce with excitement.

Beck's all like: "I know we're not really talking because you cheated on me, but can we talk about what Bryce just said coz it was so sh*t?"

"You wanna get dinner later to talk about all this or wot?" After they watch a montage of Melissa crying for six weeks, while Bryce insulted her appearance, Melissa explains that she knew she was in love with Bryce when he broke down crying coz he'd been caught with a secret girlfriend and girl wot. 

"This is f**ked up." Bryce says he doesn't always get along with everyone. To which John responds: "In this experiment you got along with virtually nobody."

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And yeah.

Sir John Aiken had clearly been practicing that. In the mirror earlier. So. 

That's when he says the line. "During the experiment, you took Melissa to Canberra..."

OMG OMG OMG.

They're going to show the footage of the friend that confirmed the gift and up until this point the experts have been very lazy but dammit they're making up for it.

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Sam says, "This is gonna be good," and WE KNOW SAM KEEP IT DOWN HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE GOSSIP. 

We watch as Bryce's close friend says "the gift thing is true," when she thought the cameras weren't rolling and BRYCE WHAT SAY YOU.

"Hahaha you're f*cked." 

"Na dude you're really f*cked." Oh ffs.

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Bryce says that they did know the cameras were rolling. And were told. To push an agenda. And make it look that way. Which would almost make sense.

IF THESE WEREN'T UR BEST MATES. 

Melissa accepts that what they said probably was true. But ultimately she doesn't care. Because she loves Bryce. And if only we had a psychologist and/or a relationship expert or something to weigh in here??

Booka asks, just to clarify, if Melissa would like people not to contact her when they hear Bryce is cheating on her, and Melissa basically says "yes". Because the contacting her is causing her distress. And we think maybe that Bryce's behaviour is... 

Nevermind.

The experts are deathly silent except to say "good luck" and you all need to be arrested. Like four weeks ago.

They cheated, but in hindsight, the stakes were far lower. NEXT we have Beck and Jake and yes they make them watch back on the time Beck bitched about Jake's teeth at their wedding.

But then the tone changes. 

John Aiken would like to - how do we put this - start some sh*t. 

"There is one thing we want to explore," he says and SIR MAY WE SAY TONIGHT YOU HAVE EARNED YOUR FCKN WAGE. 

We are then shown a montage of Beck looking after her dog when she went back to Perth and everyone is like we don't mean to be rude but we don't really care that much about this rando dog and it's getting late etc. etc.

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"I don't have the emotional energy to care about the recovery of this woman's dog."

BUT HOLY SH*T OMG THIS IS THE WORST BUT ALSO BEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN ON A SCREEN IN OUR LIVES. 

Beck is speaking to the camera about little Oscar's (fake) recovery, and then puts her phone down for a moment. That's when a MAN WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND THEY START KISSING AND GROANING INTO EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS AND JOHN AIKEN WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU EVEN FIND THIS FOOTAGE. 

Like your dog needs attention? He's really sick? At this point we'd like to commend the following people: The producers. Endemol Shine for paying for this show, even with petitions telling them not to. Channel Nine. But most of all, the person whose job it was to go through Beck's boring AF footage from her trip to Perth with her dog Oscar.

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And found... that. 

You deserve no less than one million dollars. 

But Beck can explain.

"That was my brother," she says.

Oh darling. That's so much more f**ked up if that was your brother. 

"Allow me to lie just one time." Jake asks if they can, pls, watch the footage again, given he knows what Beck's brother looks like. 

John, the man of the night, agrees to replay it. 

Beck proceeds to, again, kiss a man on the lips excitedly. 

"BECK ARE U KIDDING ME," Johnny exclaims. "THAT IS NOT YOUR BROTHER."

Correct, Johnny. 

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John Aiken says they only presented this footage for some clarification which is an even bigger LIE than Beck pretending that's her brother.

Beck admits that she needed someone to drive her dog to the vet (??) and so called "an old flame". And they shared "one kiss" that just so happened to be caught on camera. Cool.

"That's naughty," Russell says, traumatised. 

Jake thanks the experts profusely for discovering this footage, before walking outside to vomit.

"It's my one true skill." Patrick points out that Beck was having a go at Bryce the whole time, then SHE hooked up with HER ex, and Patrick pls it's called hypocrisy we're aware. 

The experts then invite Patrick and Belinda to the couch and we don't mean to be rude but... no one cares.

"A sex tape, even?"

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You can't convince us in three minutes that this show is about love when we're still shook from Beck's cheating revelation??

SHE FILMED HERSELF CHEATING AND THEN SENT IT TO CHANNEL NINE. AND HER EX HUSBAND LEARNT ABOUT IT ON THE TELEVISION WITH US.

It's just...

Like was Beck cheating on Jake the whole time? Absolutely. Which makes us grapple with philosophical questions such as: Does Bryce's secret girlfriend therefore matter less?

And to that we say...

Definitely not. 

UNTIL NEXT SEASON. 

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram Facebook and Twitter. 

In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: So there's a whole... other cheating scandal. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: The vows that go horribly, horribly wrong. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: How did Australia just let that happen? 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The phone call that confirms everything. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: The 'evidence' that destroys Melissa.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: Bryce's secret girlfriend was just... confirmed. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: The couple who will never have any friends. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: We just learned what Bryce says behind his wife's back.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 23: 'Mate. That was disgusting.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: No one can stop yelling at Bryce.

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The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The most embarrassing decision we've ever seen.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: The man who single-handedly "ruined" a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: Booka just learned how much her husband dislikes her.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 18: When you break up in front of your parents.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 17: The most tone-deaf groom in MAFS history.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 16: Bryce 100%, without a doubt, has a secret girlfriend.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 15: The wife who can't stop insulting her 'grotty' husband.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: When your wife ruins a stranger's wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The most embarrassing thing we've ever seen.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: "I hope everyone in Australia hates your guts."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: We're kind of... into this cheating scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: You can't just force people to have sex.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9. When you're a d**k to your wife on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: The beginning of a dirty cheatin' scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: How was any of that... allowed.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: John Aiken just changed the rules.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

Feature Image: Nine.