WE OPEN ON A THUNDERSTORM WHICH OUR YEAR NINE ENGLISH TEACHER WOULD SAY IS A PATHETIC FALLACY BUT ALSO FORESHADOWING.
Yes we have taken to analysing the profound cultural text that is Married at First Sight because it is our very favourite thing in the world right now.
It's the final episode and Mel is vastly overdressed which is uncomfortable for everyone.
To distract from Mel's sleeves, Alessandra encourages the contestants to focus on how they've grown and what they've learned and sweetie.
You haven't attended one of these before. Tonight is about neither of those things.
We open on a montage of everyone getting married. It becomes clear that Beth can see the humour in Russell now that they're no longer together.
But while she respects their reasons for casting him, she still resents their decision to match him with... her. Which was cruel. And an insult to single women in their 30s, generally.
The first couple up are Kerry and Johnny simply because they are the most boring.
Johnny says "I love you" for the first time and like yeah, cute, but does Sir John Aiken have a salacious video?? And where is it? Can he show it? On his suspiciously placed television??