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On the South Coast, Alana and Josh are waking up in each other’s arms, and Josh is definitely pretending like he’s not super keen to get back on the beers at 9:30am. 

A producer asks Alana how last night went and she says “last night we… was…” “last night we went…” “last night the next level…”

Sweetie just tell us you did the sex that’s okay. In fact, it’s encouraged.

Alana confirms that they connect really well, like, sexually, and we’re sure the principal at the school she works at will be relieved to hear that. 

'They're good like that.'

Meanwhile, Melissa and Bryce are (still) fighting, ever since Bryce told his new wife that she’s: “not ugly”. 

“Do you want to talk or… we just going to stand here in silence?” Bryce asks and we don’t know, Bryce. Are you going to tell the nice lady that her face is better than not ugly??

On top of being flagrantly unapologetic, Bryce is also angry at Melissa, because she questioned his intentions for being here. Which was rude and also offensive.

“If you trust someone you don’t question them,” he explains to Melissa. “I didn’t question you,” he says before mumbling, “I only questioned the quality of your face. Out loud. During an otherwise pleasant conversation.” 

Melissa looks off into the distance and says in a haunted voice “.... it was just that box…” while twitching and convulsing. It’s day two and already we have two broken humans, so right on schedule. 

At some other Australian location, Coco and Sam are going to see wildlife on their honeymoon and the animals are terrified because Coco keeps asking them “WHAT’S GOOD” in an aggressive and upsetting tone. 

Because the honesty box worked so well in strengthening Bryce and Melissa’s relationship, the experts now demand Coco and Sam have a turn and pls no they don’t need it. 

Sam is asked for one quality he admires in Coco and one he doesn’t. For four and a half years he ponders what might constitute a ‘good’ quality, and fumbles something about how she knows who she is which isn’t really a… nevermind. 

Sam finds it just as hard to answer the second part of the question because it specifies ‘ONE quality you don’t admire’ and he’s overwhelmed by how many he has. 

'Should I list them chronologically or thematically.'

He lands on her “extra personality” and how her “one liners” can come across as “corny”. Coco seems to accept the feedback but lets him know kindly she shan’t ever be changing, which we respect. 

Sam continues to speak and shares that his last relationship didn’t work because his girlfriend didn’t have features he really desired, such as curves. In case there was any confusion, Sam clarifies “like a bum, boobs,” and like yeah dude we got that. He says it’s frustrating for him because he needs a girl with boobs and not everyone has big boobs and Sir, are you joking? Because if you are you might just be the funniest man in the world. 

Narrator: Sam was not joking.

It becomes clear that Sam would like to start a political movement around all women having bigger boobs so it’s not so hard for him and Coco listens sympathetically before asking: “DOES THE FACT I’VE GOT A BODY LIKE A HOTDOG MATTER?”

Sam tries to assure her that there’s some curves there and Jesus surely that isn’t the point. 

Over on Jo and James’ honeymoon, Jo is in a s**t mood for no good reason and eugh so true. 

'I'm somehow married to a person I do not know.'

They’re horse riding along a beach and James doesn’t know how to cheer Jo up. It’s only day two and Jo is refusing to laugh at his jokes and when he asks her to come closer she says, “nah my horse doesn’t want to...” even though the horse says she really doesn’t mind.

Speaking of bad honeymoons, Bryce confesses to Melissa that he has cheated in past relationships and she’s like r u for f**ken real. 

He half-heartedly tries to convince Melissa that he’s not that kind of guy anymore and we’ve never been more certain that someone will cheat on their fake wife on this very season of Married at First Sight. 

'Do you reckon she'd be up for it or na?'

Over on Bec and Jake’s honeymoon, Bec is still explaining to her new husband why it was inappropriate for him to try and kiss her when she was reciting her tree facts. Jake wants to explain that he tried to kiss her to stop the tree facts, but instead he apologises. 

They go for a walk and Jake decides to tell this stranger who keeps bringing up how affordable veneers are in conversation, about his background. He was a professional AFL player until two years into his career when he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He tells her about his suicide attempt, and how now he views life as a second chance. 

To the relief of everyone, Bec responds appropriately by crying and opening about how suicide has touched her own family. They bond effectively without the use of an Honesty Box which is perhaps worth... noting. 

Meanwhile, Alana and Jason are filming a porno now, which is surprising. 

U right?

Things appear to be going well, until they're put in a scenario where they have to speak. Verbally. With their words. 

Jason's only response to any question - 'how do you think it's going?' 'do you think it could be going better?' 'do you think Trish got fired?' - is "100 per cent, yeah".

"Jason's really good at listening..." Alana says, not knowing whether it's appropriate to point out that her new husband hasn't said a complete sentence in 72 hours now. 

But shut up because Samantha and Cameron are fighting and thank f**k because their sunset cruise really wasn't doing it for us.

They're given the honesty box and no. We need to stop asking people questions written by John Aiken, with the sole purpose of destroying their fake marriage but also their self-esteem. 

Cameron is asked whether Samantha is his usual type (ffs mate, just say yes. No offence but if you're picky why did you agree to marry a stranger??) and unsurprisingly, he says no. 

He explains that he goes to the gym and looks after himself, and he has always imagined himself being with a "like-minded person".

"What I’ve been matched with is someone I wouldn’t usually go for," he elaborates and yes, Sir, we... got that.

Somehow, they get to the next question, and yeah, it turns out Cameron also doesn't feel an emotional connection with Samantha. At all. Not one bit.

'It would be wrong to lie on this show which prides itself on its integrity.'

"How do you sleep with someone you don't have an emotional connection with?" Samantha asks, horrified, and Cameron is confused. 

He explains he can very easily have sex with people he doesn't have an emotional connection with and dude.... stop.

Samantha says she'd rather not be here, which is a profoundly predictable way for the honesty box activity to end.

The next morning Samantha has ghosted, probably on account of the fact her husband has told her a) she's not his type, and b) he feels no emotional connection to her (but he'll still do the sex, if she's keen?)

They decide to meet up at the pub, which is a terrible idea, and Cameron politely shouts Samantha a beer which will go on to regret every decision its ever made. 

'Kill me.'

'I never should've been purchased.'

'Just leave me here.'

Cameron reiterates that, in case she missed it, Samantha is not his type, and relatedly, no, he doesn't feel an emotional connection. Samantha responds by yelling that having sex with someone you have no connection with IS CALLED A ONE NIGHT STAND and... yes. 

That's exactly what's happened. It's just that for some reason you both got fake married on the television which makes the one night stand slightly more complicated. 

Cameron gets angry that Samantha "isn't listening" (mate, she's listening, why do you think she's crying??) so storms off into the car park. 

Moments later, we see an ad for Sunday night's episode and no... no more weddings. NO MORE.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.