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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: John Aiken just changed the rules.

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TONIGHT'S THE DINNER PARTY AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH WE NEED TO CONCENTRATE.

We open on Patrick and apparently things aren't going well between him and Belinda.

We're told that Patrick has "withdrawn" ever since Belinda didn't enjoy his bath because there was too much bubble bath/oil/crystals which everyone knows isn't good for your PH levels if you know what we mean

Belinda, not wanting to shout "I DIDN'T WANNA GET THRUSH" in the face of her new husband, comes up with a plan to cheer him up.

With no context whatsoever, they jump out of a plane.

"I shat so many bricks!" Pat exclaims with relief because at least now he doesn't have to shit in their doorless hotel room.

Meanwhile, Russell keeps forgetting the word for 'Kiwi fruit' but we don't have time for this because the dinner table is being SET and people are about to behave APPALLINGLY. 

But before we get to that: Beth - sweetie... we need you to remove your price tag.

It's almost like... these aren't your real clothes. And these aren't real... marriages. As the couples get ready, we're helpfully alerted to the tension building between Alana and Jason.

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After a big fight they're now in separate bedrooms, and John Aiken thinks it will be really good for newly formed couples to receive "feedback" from others about their relationship. 

"They can't hide. They can't wear a mask," he says and dude we didn't want to bring this up but there are like 20 people in a tightly confined room during a global pandemic they should 100 per cent be wearing masks?? And you know it?

The first couple to arrive are Alana and Jason and given they're not speaking, the experts identify some "alarm bells going off" and no f**king s**t. 

'How wildly unexpected.' Others begin to filter in, but it's Samantha that shocks everyone.

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"He left me on the honeymoon," she explains, and everyone looks sympathetic except for Alana and Jason who are like "WOOHOOO WE'RE NOT THE WORST THERE'S SOME PEOPLE WHO CAN'T EVEN BE IN THE SAME ROOM AFTER LESS THAN A WEEK."

Most couples arrive holding hands and pretending they didn't call each other "not ugly" on their honeymoon. 

But Beck can't stop bitching about Jake for no reason. 

She repeatedly says he tried to 'shove' his tongue down her throat when we were literally there and he just tried to kiss her so she'd stop sharing irrelevant facts about trees. 

Meanwhile, Samantha keeps staring at the door and muttering "wait until you hear the full story..." and idk was it even that hectic? 

Finally, Cameron arrives and greets all tha boiz.

"He made it!" expert Alessandra proclaims and where else in the entire world did this man have to be tonight. 

'I think I even get paid for being here... it's unclear.' Finally a waiter arrives and announces "DINNER IS SERVED" and we're relieved because for a moment we thought that waiter might be... former expert Trish. Which would be... mortifying. For her. In front of her former colleagues.  

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Everyone is seated at a long table and we panic, expecting a COVID marshall to arrive at any moment and slap each individual with a $1500 fine as well as the venue which we can only assume is owned by John Aiken.

Beck immediately finds a new person to bitch about Jake to, and something slowly dawns on Jake.

"She's borderline rude with her banter..." he tells Sam. "She called me boring within 48 hours," he continues and sweetie that's not borderline. It's fckn rude. 

(You are) Unsurprisingly, Cam and Samantha still aren't talking despite sitting beside each other. John Aiken remarks it's "as though they're complete strangers," and Sir they... are. 

Jo tells Cam that he doesn't really look like he wants to be here and finally everyone gets the gossip they've been waiting for. 

Samantha explains that they were 'intimate' but then after the Honesty Box she learned that he was a) not attracted to her, and b) felt no emotional connection with her. 

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Coco exclaims "SAME" and explains how Sam likes girls with "big tits" and ladies we need you to know that the sheer volume of men being s**t doesn't make any of this okay. 

Eventually Cam walks out and Patrick says "Ohhh that's a little bit of vegemite on toast" and enough of the catchphrases, Pat. We've talked about this. 

Coco decides she'd like to clear the air with Samantha ever since she suggested Samantha's ex husband was a criminal at the hens' night. She keeps saying things like "I would ratha die on ma feet than live on ma knees" which we think is meant to be a pep talk but we can't quite follow.

What we can follow is her husband Sam. Sitting at the dinner table. Telling everyone that Alana is the hottest girl here. Which is the kind of talk we hear every season but this is a lil earlier than usual. 

At the other end of the table, Russell says he wants to be a "friendly face" for Cam to talk to. 

But that's not it.

He's trying to get Cam's vote.

Because Cam is clearly in his electorate. 

'I'm here to talk. Bloke to bloke.' And we're not here for campaigning, Russell. We're here for betrayal and chaos. 

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Cam keeps repeating that Sam doesn't want to know what he has to say, and starts yelling SHE'S TRYING TO ACCUSE ME OF A ONE NIGHT STAND, and okay:

1. Can you 'accuse' someone of a one night stand? It's not like... a crime

2. That's kinda exactly what it... was. Tho.

For reasons that can only include a producer who deserves a pay rise, Sam says despite everything, there's still hope. For her fake marriage. With the man she's not talking to. To work. 

But shut the f**k up because, yeah, John Aiken has crashed the dinner party. 

He was clearly sensing that - to put it simply - they didn't have a season here. With the current status of the relationships. 

Also Mel's.

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He knew that given the opportunity to have a commitment ceremony and choose to leave, almost everyone would've done so. And that doesn't make for good television.

What does make for good television is "shaking things up," and cancelling the commitment ceremony, in order to force everyone to move in with their spouse. Immediately. Even if they hate each other. 

"This is where your relationship will be put under the microscope," John Aiken says and mate they just went on a honeymoon where they were filmed the whole time, and some didn't even have a bathroom door. 

"There's no hiding," he continues. "It's something that will take you way out of your comfort zones." 

"Living together is one of the hardest elements of a relationship," he adds, "and you're all going to be thrown in the deep end".

This is the worst idea we've ever heard and we can't wait.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

Feature Image: Nine.