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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: You can't just force people to have sex.

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Tonight, we open on Beth trying to explain to Russell why she chose to stay another week even though she hates him.

You see, she put in four weeks of annual leave. Not one. And she’s not ready to go back to work just yet. If she leaves now, her boss will know she’s just f**king around rather than going back to the office. And she likes her sleep ins. Oh and the group chat she has with her friends called ‘Weird Shit Russell Does’. 

'I'm the comedian of my group now.' 

Let her have that, Russell. 

The rest of the group is still reeling from last night’s Commitment Ceremony. 

James isn’t speaking to Jo ever since she wrote "Stay… (for now)" and yeah we guess that was a bit brutal we forgot in the chaos of it all lol.

Coco tells the camera she’s “mentally checked out” and isn’t letting Sam move back in for the week. 

It’s still unclear what kind of ADULT PERSON tells another ADULT PERSON they’re 'uncool'? Like... says the guy who stole Slim Shady’s look from 2000??

Me. 

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....

Fin.

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But most surprisingly, things aren’t going well for Beck and Jake, after John Aiken yelled at Beck for not being more grateful that they matched her with someone who isn’t Sam. 

Beck says she wanted to sort things out with Jake, but instead he went out with da boiz. She tells the camera that as soon as the experiment gets tough, Jake runs away, and sweetie that’s not a thing that’s happening. That’s just a phrase you heard someone else say at the Commitment Ceremony. About their own relationship.

We think that maybe Beck is actually pissed at Jake because of his facial hair. Which is fair. 

Suck sh*t.

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But holy hell there’s another challenge for this week and no who let this happen. 

Alessandra announces, "This year, Intimacy Week will be a whole new ballgame," before adding "my goal is to watch everyone grow as a couple both emotionally and sexually".

OK. So.

That’s at odds with what this show is… about. It’s exclusively about destroying people. In their soul. Did you not read that part of the job description. Because that’s the only part. 

Out of nowhere Coco hears this week is about sex and shouts "A BIT OF A SLAP AND TICKLE’S FINE," and Jesus sweetie a slap where and by whom

I forgot. 

We then cut to a five second scene where Russell is just waving around his floppy water bottle. Which we appreciate. Him bringing. To intimacy week. 

First up, Alessandra visits Belinda and Patrick and demands they hug each other, with their genitals touching, while she watches. 

Belinda says she feels awkward but also uncomfortable which might be because this is f**king weird but what would we know. 

...Yes.

Meanwhile, in Bryce and Melissa’s apartment, Alessandra has instructed them to do an eye gazing task.

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"You actually have really nice eyes…" Bryce says after a few moments, and maybe he’s not so bad after…

Oh.

"Regardless of the colour," he adds for no reason and is this some kind of Aryan Nazi bullsh*t??

WE GET IT YOU LIKE BLUE EYES WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP SAYING IT LIKE MELISSA CAN JUST GO AND GET EYEBALL SURGERY. SHE CAN’T. SHE’S ALREADY ENQUIRED. THERE'S A SIX MONTH WAIT LIST.

In the meantime, I'll wear blue eye stickers. I can't see but that's okay.

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Later that afternoon, Melissa brings up that maybe she was a bit offended by the eye comment.

But Bryce is upset by Melissa’s comment. Which is putting pressure on him. To accept her eye colour. Which he refuses to. 

Meanwhile, Coco is wondering where she might get a lil slap and a tickle from. 

She invites Cam for a visit, and he obliges, explaining that he’s there for Coco like he’s there for "any of the other wives if they need me… or the other husbands if they need me".

Mate. Let's be real. No one needs you.

Coco and Cam speak about such subjects as Sam being a pig, but also pigs and their likeness to Sam, and honestly their whole relationship is based on a mutual hatred for Sam which is… so true. 

"If I wasn’t a married man who knows where it would go…" Cam says with a smile and, Sir. You are not a married man. 

I made a commitment. To Channel 9. 

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It’s at this point Sam thinks it might be time to apologise to Coco in case he ever came across as "aggressive" when he told her she was uncool but also corny and lacking breasts. 

He says he didn’t realise anything was wrong between him and Coco until last night and dude you were sleeping in different apartments after she yelled in your face. We were literally right there. 

"I’d like to apologise," he begins, before explaining that he’d never want to come across like that because he DOES want people to keep buying the PANTS but also men’s SHIRTS he’ll be selling off the back of this PUBLICITY. 

But do I owe Coco a basic level of respect? I don't think so, no.

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Over in Booka and Brett’s apartment, they’ve been given an Intimacy Box and why is this show so intent on making boxes a thing.

Not everything has to come in a box.  

Brett chooses a pack of cards which instruct Booka to suck on his fingers and we don’t want… any of this. 

Booka gets upset because Brett starts moaning, so she decides to dress up as a Russian woman and take control. 

She starts massaging him and speaking in a vague European accent which we think might be… highly culturally inappropriate. 

No one ever needed to see this.

Meanwhile, Cam has decided to try and share a bed with Samantha in an effort to repair their relationship.

When he wakes up the next morning he says he found the whole experience ‘scary’ and we’re not a sexologist but that can’t be… good.

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UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter.

In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: John Aiken just changed the rules.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: How was any of that... allowed.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: The beginning of a dirty cheatin' scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9. When you're a d**k to your wife on national television.

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