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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: 'Stacey had sex with my husband on our anniversary.'

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No stop it we’re too excited.

We patiently sat through two very boring nights of people deciding whether to end their fake marriage at the final commitment ceremony, or to end it at a later date, and now it’s time for everyone to reunite over alcohol and yell.

But shut up because it’s Hayley and is she yelling or just passionate it’s impossible to know.

She’s ‘moved on’ from dwelling on David’s behaviour, mostly because she has ‘bigger fish to fry’ at tonight’s dinner party. “What’s that saying… every dog has its day,” she says before literally woofing at us and YOU NEED TO LISTEN. THAT SAYING DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT DOES DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

hayley
'The Ibis has left the kitchen - you know what I mean?'

Suddenly Mikey appears on screen and there's horror music and hello darling we've been seeing a lot of you on the Daily Mail lately.

He explains he a 'lil bit had a one-night stand with Stacey after the Michael/Hayley cheating scandal and we are squealing like pigs. 

Mikey says he tried to sweep it under the carpet (why) because what would be the point in bringing it up (everything) and we don't know how to express our gratitude for sharing this information that will somehow ruin at least eight people's lives.

"I'm your man."
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But pause.

Because Aleks and Evarn appear to be attending the dinner party together.

"I don't have to explain myself to anyone," Aleks says in the car and eugh yes you do.

When they arrive together, everyone obviously starts yelling questions at them, and they refuse to answer which is annoying because it's like... you are not the drama. Stacey hooked up with Mikey and someone's going to hurt someone. Like don't get in the way??

Tash arrives and coldly greets Amanda, before Seb asks Amanda who she was paired with.

She points to Tash, to which Seb replies:

OH...

(Confused.)

Heh?

Oh.

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(But that person is a lady)

OH OH.

Oh.

(And aren't you a lady)

Ohhhhhhh.

OH.

And then finally he realises that Amanda was matched with Tash and we're just relieved we got there in the end.

Next, Cathy arrives, and yes she is all of us when we know we're going to see our ex for the first time in a while.

Did she dye her hair platinum blonde? Yes.

Is she wearing a two piece silver sequined ensemble? You bet. 

"I don't know why I'm here or why I look so good."

BUT NATASHA WHY ARE YOU LATE GET TO THE PARTY ALREADY WE ARE ALL WAITING.

Finally she arrives, and tells her friends how much Mikey betrayed her.

"Oh dear..." expert Trish says, and okay so Trish is awake that's sweet.

Upon Mikey's arrival, he apologies to Natasha about the time he had sex with Stacey, and they decide to be a "united front" in their "battle" against Stacey and that's all well and good but can we get started already we don't have all night. (We do).

Natasha says she's ready to "detonate the bomb" and OH YES PLS SOONER RATHER THAN LATER GREAT THANKS XXX

Watch: The toast that breaks a marriage. Post continues after video.

Video via Channel 9
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Eventually everyone is seated, and shut up because it's time for Natasha's staring montage. 

While we are delivered 10 minutes of Natasha staring at people, shaking but also crying, and mumbling words such as truth but also bombshell, John Aiken remarks that he does not have a good feeling about this, and Sir. No… sh*t.

Natasha stands and Trish politely asks, “Oh who’s that?” and Trish pls we do not have time for your ineptitude.

She toasts Stacey and Michael for, and we quote, “having the fakest relationship in reality TV history… And Stacey for f*cking my husband on our one month anniversary.”

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natasha

Natasha, you listen to us carefully. You deserve an Order of Australia medal for what you did tonight, do you hear?

Everything we have endured over the last week of boring AF episodes has been made up for in this single toast.

The experts hang their heads in shame before Trish quietly asks, “Who’s Stacey?” and honestly how are you still employed.

"This looks like trash tbh."
"This looks like trash tbh."
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Stacey pauses for a moment and then decides that, yes. She shall be lying.

She yells “IT NEVER HAPPENED” before adding “WHAT DO I HAVE TO GAIN BY LYING?” and Jesus lady literally Michael’s home cinema. Is what you... gain.

Mikey then offers to take a lie detector test and John Aiken’s eyes light up because why didn’t he ever think of that? What a fun activity.

Michael is very confused, because he has never in his whole life been the victim of anything.

“IS THERE ANY EVIDENCE,” he shouts, to which the room responds with this… gesture.

MIKEY
HERE'S UR EVIDENCE.

But that’s when Mikey remembers the text messages and excuse you we’ll be seeing them immediately, please.

Mikey sort of fiddles for a moment, until Hayley’s thundering voice travels across the room. She simply says, Get the f*cking phone, Mikey, and thank you Hayley for getting this whole debacle back on track.

The whole room starts a DO IT chant and yes us too but also our 94-year-old grandpa on his couch at home, we’re sure. The words reverberate around the country and this is Australia’s answer to Italy playing instruments on their balconies: Ye get the dirty fckn texts Mikey we wanna see the receipts. Our nation is unified under one common goal.

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Mikey asks a producer if he can please have his phone for a moment just for the purpose of evidence in the court of law, and he is granted his request.

For reasons that are unclear, Chris is declared the judge, and so is given the task of reading the texts out to the table.

mafs
"Can everyone have some respect??"

He starts reading in his head instead of out loud and Mishel has to yell "CAN YOU READ IT CHRIS WE'RE LISTENING,' and thank God for you Mishel we were running out of patience.

The texts appear to confirm that on the 11th of an undisclosed month, Mikey and Stacey woke up in a room together and something about a rubbish bin.

It's awkward because moments ago, Michael asked Stacey if there were any messages on Mikey's phone, and she confidently declared there weren't, and now Mikey has retrieved his phone, and the texts are right... there.

If you were Trish, you might even call them... sixy tixts.

trish mafs
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Stacey starts yelling that they were playing Monopoly (??) and then Aleks submits a Mecca Cosmetica bag of Mikey's clothing into evidence but Stacey says they weren't his clothes and this show has definitely edited out crucial parts of the conversation because precisely none of this is making sense.

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At this point, Stacey oscillates between yelling "BULLSH*T," and "I DON'T CARE" - neither of which are particularly compelling arguments. Considering her specialisation in cheating law she's surprisingly not doing well as her own defence attorney.

Michael says it's still Stacey's word against Mikey's and, um, how do you get more evidence than texts. And witnesses. And clothes. And the other person.

Stacey would also like it on the record that even if she did cheat, it would've been okay, because she was single after her fake husband had cheated on her and this environment is toxic and all your ethics are broken.

All of a sudden Stacey turns on Michael and yells 'CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE OR SOMETHING,' and idk we think he's just processing the fact his relationship is crumbling in real time on national television so maybe give him... a moment.

Ultimately, Michael says he isn't bothered by the cheating, but it's the lying he won't forgive. Because when you lie about cheating, you're meant to say you can't remember.

FFS everyone knows that.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 34: The most brutal rejection in MAFS history.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 33: A misleading set of final vows.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 32: When you accidentally break up with your wife.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 31: Michael and Stacey need to break up already.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 30: 'How dare you bring my kids into this.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 29: We need to talk about the alleged cheating video.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: "I'm actually speechless."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: The 'feedback' no one wanted.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: You cannot force your husband to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 25: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

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The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: The fight that ruined David and Hayley.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: "I want to apologise to the gay community."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The penis that broke a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Hayley and David are having 'unconventional sex'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The wrong bride just quit her marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: We need to talk about consent.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A dinner party turns... violent. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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